First class treatment-Demanding respect

I have a series of posts called "FIRST CLASS TREATMENT". It's about demanding respect, repairing your image and attracting high quality men and friends. Here is the first installment.

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Don't deny yourself first class treatment!

For the most part, people will treat you: 1) how you treat yourself or 2) how you let them.

Have you ever had an issue with someone treating you badly? Lying to you, stealing from you, saying rude, disrespectful things? Or even making empty promises?

Why do you think this person is acting this way? Could it be that they think you don't deserve respect? Could it be their personal problem, a reflection of the issues they have with themselves/the world? Are you telling them to treat you this way? I say it's all three!

How should you deal with said behavior?

According to the Law of Effect, the events following an action will weaken or strengthen the likelihood that it will occur again.

How does this play into the feminine Black woman's life? It's no secret that Black women have a reputation for allowing low-value, trifling men into our lives, our bank accounts, our wombs and our hearts. There are many reasons for this: low self esteem, ignorance about healthy relationships, mental illness, drug problems, little to no dating options (settling), low standards, etc. If we continue to allow this, we will be extinct. We will continue to be unhappy, unmarried women, single mothers and continue to be victims of domestic violence and even murder! Yes, murder. I know you've seen articles about Black women being killed by their partners or even their children being killed by partners. It's time for us to learn how to pick suitable mates. This involves identifying key patterns in falling prey to faulty men, dating techniques, education about domestic violence and how maintain a healthy relationship.

Let's start with acknowledging why some women allow men to treat them badly and how to stop it and attract better men (and friends).

Don't put up with destructive, disrespectful behavior!
Command respect by having displaying values, manners and expecting the same from people. When you don't set standards for the way you are to be treated, people will treat you however they wish. Some will be kind but others won't. There will be times when you have to deal with people and have no way around it, like at work.

If someone does or says something rude, bring it up. Explain to them that what they did offended you and how it made you feel but don't accuse them. People can get hostile if they feel like you are pointing a finger at them. A simple statement, such as "Hey___, that comment you made was in poor taste and it offended me. That's not very (professional, nice, insert adjective here)." Anyone with manners or a brain will realize that they messed up. That statements demands an apology and sometimes an explanation (if what they said wasn't meant to offend but just came out wrong instead). If they don't apologize, then you know this person is not someone to continue socializing with.

It's important to let someone know that you will not tolerate such behavior. It warns them that if they continue, they will lose you. You don't want to be around people who don't respect your boundaries. If you always turn the cheek, you will end up with a sore face! Believe me, I am very meek in nature and I've had many situations where I've learned how to stick up for myself.

Exude confidence through your body language.
Having good posture does more for you then make you look taller! Non-verbal signals also tell people how to react to you. Crossing you arms makes you look guarded, staring at the ground while you walk and talk makes you seem as though you think you don't deserve to look people in the eye (low confidence), fidgeting gives off the vibe that you are insecure or bored. How would people who don't know you react to this? They may be aggressive to you because your crossed arms will make it seem as though you are a defensive person.

Sometimes, we get nervous and give off these non-verbal signals on accident but it's important to fix this because you may be giving off clues on your self treatment and not even know it. Have a friend observe you in your natural state and give feedback on how you carry yourself and try to correct them. Google is your friend :)

Show people what is important to you by treating yourself like a princess.
Spending time and putting effort into the things that matter to you show people that you care about yourself and that it's important to you. People will know that they need to HONOR them. Calling sick into work or class to hang out with your friends will show them that your job is less important than having a good time with them. Eventually they will start disrespecting your responsibilities and even you! Stopping by late at night, interrupting your study time, etc. That's not what you want or deserve. Teach people how to treat you by treating yourself.


Stay tuned for more, princess. xoxo

Small ways to boost your confidence

1. Identify your talents.
It doesn't matter what it is! I happen to be pretty good at cross stitching. I've mentioned this to someone and they called it "granny" but it's something I enjoy and that I'm good at. For every person who doesn't like what you do, there are many more who appreciate it and find it interesting.

2. Remind you of yourself.
Every morning, write something about yourself. It can be something big, like your worst fear or what you want most in life or something small like your favorite color or type of dog. Keep these thoughts in a journal and look back at them from time to time. Taking the time to acknowledge the things you care about make you feel like you matter, like you're a real person with thought, hope and dreams.

I started doing this two years ago. At first, I used various colors to write things and draw little cartoons to match. Now, I've upgraded to making images, sort of like memes. Things like this are all over the internet. Google "things I like" or "bucket list" or "things that make me smile" and you will find some done by people all over the world! It's amazing how much we can have in common with total strangers from completely different backgrounds, right? :)

3. Let go of the need to be accepted and loved by everyone.
Not only is it unrealistic but it's too much work and energy! There's a quote by a woman I admire for her femininity, Dita Von Teese

Aspiring to be loved by everyone requires you to constantly change yourself to fit a certain mold. That will cause you mental anguish and you will start to feel lost. After a while, you will begin to wonder "who am I?"

4. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made.
If you knew better, you'd do better. Put more effort into learning how to do better and less into making yourself feel guilty about mistakes that we ALL make. Noone is perfect.

5. Show gratitude.
Gratitude is the quality of being grateful and the readiness of showing appreciation. Being alive is something to be thankful for! Many people take this for granted and it is truly sad. Every day is an opportunity to appreciate this beautiful planet, your culture, other people's culture and everything else.

Speaking for myself, I am very grateful to be American. I was born into a family with lots of mental, drug, alcohol and poverty issues but I am grateful for the opportunity I had to get away from it all. There are resources upon resources in this country to turn your life around! Even though I believe there is a socio-economic and political system to keep certain groups of people in their place, there are still many ways to go from being poor to being middle class and even rich. Some people in countries aren't afforded these privileges :( That's why I'm grateful because I can recognize and be thankful for it. Not only that, but one day when I can afford it, I would like to give back and help people. That would definetly build my confidence-knowing I can make a difference in someone's life and seeing them smile!


Those are just a few tips I had jotted down in one of my many notebooks. If you have any confidence tips, please post them below and share. Thanks! xoxo

Feminine Tips-General Beauty (kind of long post)

Hey sweethearts, how are you and how was your 4th of July weekend?

I've been reading many articles and books on helping women recognize their femininity and improve on it. I think it's been a struggle for ALL women to look and feel like the woman they want to be because the society we live in now encourages women to be the opposite. Here are some that I have noted:

1. Highlight your positive features.
Do you have big eyes? Wear mascara. Small waist? Wear a pencil skirt. A nice smile? Smile more often. Knowing that there's something about you that you like and that is attractive builds confidence.

2. Style your hair in a flattering way.
Find a style that frames your face shape, a color that suits your skin tone and an appropriate length and maintenance that fits your lifestyle. I'm not into the whole natural versus relaxed debate. I believe it's up to the individual to assess what fits their wants and needs. I happen to love braids, updos, twist outs and layered straight styles on Black women.

3. Embrace your curves but maintain a healthy weight.
This is a big problem among Black women. Yes, we are naturally curvy but many seem to take that as a reason to not take care of their figure. There is a thin line between curvy and thick and sloppy. Not only is a toned body more attractive and feminine but it's a lot healthier to maintain a healthy weight. Diabetes, high blood pressure, and kidney and heart diseases are well known risks of being overweight.

These women range from thin to average to bigger/muscular. All very toned, in shape and feminine.

4. Have clear, soft, buttery skin.
Black women come in various shades. Which one you are does not matter. What is more important is having clear, healthy and blemish free skin. I advocate for an effective skin care regimen, which should include a cleanser, serum, mask and do NOT forget sunscreen. Black people aren't immune to skin cancer; in fact there are forms of skin cancer exclusive to people with melanin. There are many vitamins and supplements that can help with achieving beautiful skin.

5. Wear pretty lingerie.
It's hard to explain in words but there's something satisfying and sexy about wearing lingerie, especially lacy lingerie. Give it a try ;)

6. Smell good.
Wear a perfume or some kind of scent all the time (if you can). It will brighten your mood and attract men lol. A high quality perfume can be pretty pricey but there are alternatives. Eau de parfums are slightly less concentrated than perfumes but still strong. Eau de toilette is even less concentrated and lasts less time on the skin. Eau fraiche has less than 3% of perfume oil. I do not suggest body sprays as they do not last longer than an hour and can smell very alcohol-y.

I also suggest layering scents. What that means is use bar soap and/or body wash, then lotion and then perfume, all the same scent of course. For instance, use vanilla scented body bar soap to cleanse, then slather on vanilla scented body butter then apply a perfume that goes along with it. You will smell good all day.

7. Don't smell cheap or artificial.
Stick to scents found in nature, like floral, citrus, or spicy scents. Nothing like sugar or bubble gum, as it screams fake and juvenile.

8. Keep your nails done.
Whether you prefer your natural nails, shellac or acrylic/gel overlay, keeping your nails done makes you look more polished. Nude or pink nails fit every occasion. Red nail polish is sophisticated and perfect for an important event. Bright, fun colors look best on the toes. As for designs, that's up to you but there's a very thin line between creative and tacky.

9. Smile sincerely or not at all.
I am all for Black women smiling but don't do it unless it is genuine. It will come off like this:

instead of this:

10. Wear clothes that fit and stick to a classic style.
Not only does this look good but it saves you money. Buying staples/classics and leaving the trends to the accessories is more cost effective.

You can use accessories like jewelry, watches, scarves and handbags (purses) to try out new trends and colors.

11. Wear dresses and skirts, flowy material and feminine patterns.
They look so beautiful!

Those are just a few of my tips. I have more for your inner femininity, too. However, it's very late and I need my beauty sleep :) I will post more soon. Please leave comments and questions below! I love to hear from you all! I read all my comments and can be reached via email at enlightenedfemme (at) gmail.com

Thanks for reading! xoxo

What is femininity?

There are some debates surrounding this question. Some women loathe the word "feminine" and equate it to everything pink, frilly, girly and weak. That's understandable but not quite the truth. Yes, those things can be associated with femininity but in truth it is about being who you authentically are. That's it. It's different for each woman.

I like pastel colors, lace, animals and makeup but that doesn't make me more feminine than a woman who plays football and drives a monster truck.

If that woman is confident, has inner strength and is emotionally connected and passionate then she is a feminine woman, whether she likes it or not LOL Her feminine energy will flow and men and women alike will be drawn to her. A feminine woman is a force of nature!

There are some core aspects associated with all feminine women, such as:
Empathy, sensitivity, tolerance, and softness.

There are many more but those are the first that popped into my head. Were you expecting me to mention "beauty", "long hair" "red lipstick" or "dresses"? Yes, those things can make a woman seem more feminine in looks but they do not make someone more feminine in nature. From experience, I can say that those things can help you feel more feminine, though!

There are many reasons why Black women as a group aren't seen as feminine or why you, as a Black woman, may not feel like a feminine woman. This blog is a platform of positivity and growth so I will not go into depth about why and who's "fault" it is. There are many other blogs and facebook pages for that. This also isn't a place where I will continually bash Black men or trash White women. They will come up, when I post about relationships (friendships as well as dating and marriage) but I'm not the type to badmouth others and curse ;) I will bring up social issues that we face as Black women and how to combat them with class and grace.

Black women have had to adopt masculine traits to protect ourselves since The Black Power Movement and the Feminist Movement has failed us. I don't believe it's necessary to be the stereotypical  "strong Black woman". You don't have to be loud to get your point across or aggressive to protect yourself. Our passion and inner strength is admirable but we must be smart about what we put our energy into.

I know I am physically and mentally strong but I also recognize my feminine nature. I love men. I want to get married and have children and that doesn't make me weak. I believe women make this world a better place. Our nurturing, compassion, love, determination and overall essence contribute to positive things in this world. The world needs us :) This photo below is just as much as a strong Black woman as any other Black woman.

Please comment and share your thoughts about femininity and what it means to you.