I want 2015 to be the year of growth abundance and change for BW. But I've got to be real. There's a lot of whining that goes on in online black women spaces. Now I've experienced some tough times like most BW have. The harassment, bullying, misogynoir (spelling?), and have noticed the anti-bw propaganda in the media. But I have noticed that that's all BW want to focus on. It's to the point where I believe most BW are content with being mules and everyone else's step ladder and want to live dysfunctional lives. I have more hope for the younger generations to come because they are waking up.
1. Not everything is so black and white. Literally. As a BW, the black community isn't your ally and believe it or not the white community isn't as progressive as people claim is to be. Take it from someone who's lived in California, the most "liberal" state of them all, for a while now. Don't be alarmed by this but noone is really in our corner, even fellow BW. Take the BW who shamed accomplished Gabby Douglas for her hair or started a petition for Beyonce to "fix" her daughter's kinks. Upwardly mobile BW only have like minded upwardly mobile BW in our corner. Seek these sisters out and befriend them. You need a network of support. There are people out there of all races that will be good friends, coworkers, business partners and love interests but no one race of people is going to be there for you. Deal with people on a one-on-one basis.
2. No one is going to fix you. Your past and insecurities that keeps creeping up on you is your responsibility to deal with. Do you think that people will treat you better knowing that you have been hurt in the past? Nope. Accept it and take action. Make goals for yourself, seek therapy. Help yourself because noone else will put in the effort to do it.
3. Being a "good person" doesn't earn you brownie points. What goes around doesn't always come back around. You can be the sweetest person ever and still get screwed over. The man who cheated on you with your best friend may not suffer for it. He may even fall in love with her and have a happy marriage with 2.5 kids and a dog. It sucks but it's true. Be a good person for yourself and to spread goodness in this world. Don't expect good things to happen to you just because you followed the 10 commandments.
4. Speaking of religion, be wary. Very wary. We've already established that the black community does not care for BW. Well the church ain't much different. In fact, I would say that Christianity was the worst thing to happen to Black people. Christianity has made blacks complacent in their own demise. "Keep praying and God will make a way". No he won't. You have to make yourself a way. Obtaining the life you want requires a lot of work and effort and when you get to where you want to be you should pat yourself on the back and not thank some imaginary white man in the sky. This may offend you but it's the truth.
5. The past is already written. There's nothing you can do about it unfortunately. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and make an effort to not do it again. Forget about what was done to you but don't forget the way it made you feel. Don't let someone's else's actions towards you determine your self worth. It's hard and may sound nearly impossible but it's necessary for a healthy mind. The messed up things that someone has done to you is a reflection of THEM. I know there are a lot of BW living their lives without confronting the fact that they were molested and/or bullied. You can't change what happened to you but you need to take care of it or else it will eat you alive. You will be laying awake in bed at night thinking about what happened. You will be walking around with a mean mug and being hypersensitive. You may even develop a hunger for violence to hurt people like they hurt you. That's not the answer. Therapy is. All you can do is move on. Time machines don't exist.
6. No one has all the answers you need. I for sure don't. There is much advice out there for specific things you need but there's no step-by-step guide out there that's going to help you find happiness. Firsthand experience and self reflection will give you all the help you need to grow.
7. Money doesn't solve all problems, just a lot of them. Guess what happened when my income bracket increased? My whole life changed. I had access to better housing, colleges, jobs, I was less stressed and depressed because I wasn't worried over everything, I started to look better, I was in more beautiful surroundings, and because of all of this I was able to attract higher quality people into my life, including my dear husband and best friends. Living in poverty has been proven to make people develop mental illness. Lavish lifestyles and wealthier people in general are demonized but there's nothing wrong with living in abundance as long as you aren't hurting people to get there.
8. There's nothing you as an individual can do to save the BC nor is there anything you SHOULD do. For decades the effort has been one sided and it ain't working so guess what? Put that effort into saving yourself and the Black woman collective. If BM were real men then they wouldn't need our help! Instead of protesting, picketing, marching and boycotting for a group of men who don't value you, do that for yourself and other BW. Our killers, stalkers, rapists and molesters need to be brought to justice! When you accept this and learn to live your life caping for YOURSELF and not someone who hates you, you will feel a huge burden off your back! Am I saying to write off BM as potential love interests, friends and business partners? Not entirely but you need to realize that they aren't our allies. Deal with people on a one-on-one basis.
9. Black does crack. Just not as much. Take care of your body and it will take care of you. You don't need to be a size 2 and have skin like Chili from TLC. Your body is a temple so treat it as such.
10. Keeping it real isn't always the way to go. Have you seen that skit in Chapelle's Show "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong?" That's how "telling it like it is" goes in real life. It is a stereotype of BW to be loud and sassy and blunt and honestly I have found it to be true. Not all BW but this kind of behavior is glorified in the BC. Don't catch onto it. Be tactful, hold your tongue sometimes and watch your delivery when giving constructive criticism or responding with criticism.
11. Colorism, featurism and hair texturism were all here before we were. It goes waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back. Think of all those black starlets back in the day. Dorothy Dandridge, Eartha Kitt, Shirley Bassett, Joesphine Baker, all of them are mixed/biracial and I believe that is why they were so famous. Don't get me wrong, I love their work but I know that had they been darker, or had broader features and coarser hair, they wouldn't have been so famous. BM wouldn't have helped get them into Hollywood and society wouldn't have accepted them. Its a harsh truth. Racism is above our heads and while I think we should all do our part by sticking together and protecting one another I know that whining about it does: NOTHING. Instead of whining about Beyonce, Zendaya, Draya Michele and other's being in the spotlight, how about this: Don't support them. Don't give your hard earned money in propping them up. Literally don't support so called BW who show no interest in solidarity. Act like they don't exist and observe how society reacts. It will be interesting. "I'm black enough to play Aaliyah". That's unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated. I wonder if we funded more things like Dr.McStuffins, The Princess and the Frog and other things where the Black girl actually appeared Black, what would society do?
12. Men aren't perfect. Knights in shining armor don't exist. Men aren't princes that come along and save your life. They are great partners and companions and I believe everyone deserves a healthy relationship but if you expect a fairytale relationship then you will be surely disappointed. Disney fooled us all :(
13. There's nothing wrong with marrying up. In fact, I suggest every upwardly mobile BW to do it. It was a standard for my future husband to make six figures and I'm not ashamed of it and refused to let anyone make me feel guilty.
14. Your friends are a reflection of you. The people you surround yourself with make or break you. When I joined the military I was surrounded by people who had drive, integrity and goals they wanted to accomplish. Every single one of those friends is living a functioning life as far as I know. No babydaddy drama, no huge money problems, they travel, they are positive and uplifting. People like this can be found in college, at libraries, at seminars, basically anywhere that promotes growth.
15. You have more control over your life than you think.
16. As an American you are spoiled. Life may be expensive but things like education, employment, freedom of speech, etc are at least attainable and sometimes free :) Take advantage of it because there are millions of people you cannot even drink clean water and are dying from easily curable diseases. It could have been you! So be grateful and take advantage.
Good night.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Learning Confidence: A journey for young black girls
Over the holidays I received an email from the sweetest high school student. She emailed me introducing herself and can I say that I have second-hand pride from the words she wrote!? She's 16, a high school student, also college student and has an interest in raising her self esteem. She has the drive, intelligence and motivation to go very far in life. I love hearing about young black girls who have so much potential!
Anyway, she mentioned being walked on by people, both friends and boys and wants some info on how to raise her self esteem after years of that. I completely understand and I will add that I know how frustrating it is when people tell black women that we need to "get ourselves together" and stop being so insecure", etc. and then say something vague like "if you knew better you do better", "black women STAY losing", etc. This kind of delivery makes the message seem like it's not so much "You need to raise your self esteem" and more "I do not like/value you" and they are trying to justify it by making it your fault. The reason I say that is because when you like/want someone and want to give constructive criticism won't you be respectful, empathetic and kind? It takes more than just "don't talk to people like that" or "like attracts like, so it must be something you're doing that's attracting people like that". (That second statement has some truth to it but I will get into that in another post I have drafted up)
While trying to respond to her I kept thinking back to when I was her age and I had low self esteem and what I did to change it. It took a long time for me to change my way of thinking and IT WILL TAKE YOU SOME TIME AS WELL. Think about it, how did you start to dislike things about you? We aren't born with low self esteem. We aren't born thinking our bodies aren't beautiful or our skin is too dark or our hobbies are meaningless. We were programmed at young ages to dislike ourselves and conform to what the black community wants us to be! Yes, relaxing black girls hair at a young age, the little lightskin/dark skin references, jokes about "african" features all play a part in our perception of what standards we need to hold ourselves to. What kind of community considers light skin, thin nose and light eyes as the standard of beauty when the majority of women don't have those features? A messed up one, that's what!
What is the answer to this programming? Well, it is to deprogram! Yes, 2015 is the year of deprogramming. You didn't develop low self esteem in five easy steps so you can't raise it in five easy steps lol so instead of doing one post on how to be more confident I am going to post about all the things that affect your self esteem and what to do about it.
This entire year is going to be about purging self-depreciating thoughts, bad habits, bad friends, bad men, etc. The goal is for us to be OVER IT. The first step is purging. Don't you routinely go through your fridge, beauty products and purse to get rid of things that are no longer useful or have no purpose to you anymore? Well don't you think it's time to do that to your life!!? To purge is to rid yourself of all things that are dysfunctional and destructive. I want you to do this:
-Go into your iTunes and delete ALL rap and hiphop music. ALL of it!
-Also delete depressing music of all genres. The R&B songs that are begging a lying, cheating man to come back to them, the whining songs about love and just anything that screams "woe is me"
-Go into your facebook and stop following (or unfriend, your choice) people who post things like girl fights, twerking videos, racism statuses, woman-bashing statuses, anti-bw statuses, etc.
-Stay off of sites like nowaygirl, worldstar, basically anything that showcases BW in the worst light
-Distance yourself from people who continue to make bad life decisions. No one is perfect but people who continue to make horrible life decisions need more help than any friend can give (therapy). This sounds mean but I distanced myself from my single mother friends. We are still cool but I got sick of being put down by people who felt like they had the right to say things like "being a single mommy is so hard. You don't know what it's like to struggle. I can't wait until you have kids and you'll be this tired/irritated/depressed. You're lucky". Nooo I'm not lucky, I'm smart. I know how to use birth control. And then turn around and ask me to babysit or lend them money. I may come across elitist sometimes but I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I just have high standards for myself and don't let people put me down in any way, shape or form and I highly suggest you start practicing this as well. Don't let backhanded compliments slide and don't let people bring you down with them. Don't let your broke friends treat you like an atm. If they need something, take them to the food bank. If they don't have a job, keep an eye out for always put yourselves first. If they really love you AND themselves they will appreciate it in the long run. Trust me.
-Get rid of books written by Steve Harvey or any dating books that aren't written by women
-Get rid of your Tyler Perry Collection
-Get rid of those "ghetto" or "hood literature" books about crime, stripping, drugs, dysfunctional "black love" relationships and/or gold digging (if you want to marry a well-to-do/financially stable man I can post about that, just don't read these ratchet books)
-Cut off toxic people. If you know someone who is always telling you your ideas/opinions are invalid, tries to sabotage you, is not interested in self-improvement at all, distance yourself away. They could be a good person but they don't need to be that close to you because once you accomplish your goals and make more, they will try to guilt you into not accomplishing more. "You're going for another job? There are people out there who need it more than you do! Don't be greedy!", "those degrees won't keep you warm at night, let me hook you up with my cousin ray ray who just got out of jail and needs a woman", "you're standards are too high, no guy will live up to them especially for a black woman. Educated men don't like black women because _____" or anything like that.
-Make a list of the things you like about yourself, pick a cute font and pretty colors and add a background to it. For instance, "I am trustworthy and an awesome friend" over a background of a beautiful beach or a basket of kittens. Tape these papers around your room where you can see them everyday.
-Make a list of things you dislike about yourself and read it out loud. Does it sound harsh? Are you being too hard on yourself? If someone pointed these things out to you, would it hurt your feelings? If yes, then you shouldn't be telling them to yourself :) Rewrite the phrases and come up with a plan. Instead of "I hate my acne and I'm antisocial" write down "I will be more confident with clear skin and a social life". Then think about what you can do to change these things. For instance, you might get rid of your skin care products and do research on ones that will work. Instead of wishing you had more friends, you can actually put in the effort to meet people. Be more talkative in class, join a meet-up group or a book club at your library.
Stay tuned for part 2! Thank you for reading.
xoxo
Anyway, she mentioned being walked on by people, both friends and boys and wants some info on how to raise her self esteem after years of that. I completely understand and I will add that I know how frustrating it is when people tell black women that we need to "get ourselves together" and stop being so insecure", etc. and then say something vague like "if you knew better you do better", "black women STAY losing", etc. This kind of delivery makes the message seem like it's not so much "You need to raise your self esteem" and more "I do not like/value you" and they are trying to justify it by making it your fault. The reason I say that is because when you like/want someone and want to give constructive criticism won't you be respectful, empathetic and kind? It takes more than just "don't talk to people like that" or "like attracts like, so it must be something you're doing that's attracting people like that". (That second statement has some truth to it but I will get into that in another post I have drafted up)
While trying to respond to her I kept thinking back to when I was her age and I had low self esteem and what I did to change it. It took a long time for me to change my way of thinking and IT WILL TAKE YOU SOME TIME AS WELL. Think about it, how did you start to dislike things about you? We aren't born with low self esteem. We aren't born thinking our bodies aren't beautiful or our skin is too dark or our hobbies are meaningless. We were programmed at young ages to dislike ourselves and conform to what the black community wants us to be! Yes, relaxing black girls hair at a young age, the little lightskin/dark skin references, jokes about "african" features all play a part in our perception of what standards we need to hold ourselves to. What kind of community considers light skin, thin nose and light eyes as the standard of beauty when the majority of women don't have those features? A messed up one, that's what!
What is the answer to this programming? Well, it is to deprogram! Yes, 2015 is the year of deprogramming. You didn't develop low self esteem in five easy steps so you can't raise it in five easy steps lol so instead of doing one post on how to be more confident I am going to post about all the things that affect your self esteem and what to do about it.
This entire year is going to be about purging self-depreciating thoughts, bad habits, bad friends, bad men, etc. The goal is for us to be OVER IT. The first step is purging. Don't you routinely go through your fridge, beauty products and purse to get rid of things that are no longer useful or have no purpose to you anymore? Well don't you think it's time to do that to your life!!? To purge is to rid yourself of all things that are dysfunctional and destructive. I want you to do this:
-Go into your iTunes and delete ALL rap and hiphop music. ALL of it!
-Also delete depressing music of all genres. The R&B songs that are begging a lying, cheating man to come back to them, the whining songs about love and just anything that screams "woe is me"
-Go into your facebook and stop following (or unfriend, your choice) people who post things like girl fights, twerking videos, racism statuses, woman-bashing statuses, anti-bw statuses, etc.
-Stay off of sites like nowaygirl, worldstar, basically anything that showcases BW in the worst light
-Distance yourself from people who continue to make bad life decisions. No one is perfect but people who continue to make horrible life decisions need more help than any friend can give (therapy). This sounds mean but I distanced myself from my single mother friends. We are still cool but I got sick of being put down by people who felt like they had the right to say things like "being a single mommy is so hard. You don't know what it's like to struggle. I can't wait until you have kids and you'll be this tired/irritated/depressed. You're lucky". Nooo I'm not lucky, I'm smart. I know how to use birth control. And then turn around and ask me to babysit or lend them money. I may come across elitist sometimes but I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I just have high standards for myself and don't let people put me down in any way, shape or form and I highly suggest you start practicing this as well. Don't let backhanded compliments slide and don't let people bring you down with them. Don't let your broke friends treat you like an atm. If they need something, take them to the food bank. If they don't have a job, keep an eye out for always put yourselves first. If they really love you AND themselves they will appreciate it in the long run. Trust me.
-Get rid of books written by Steve Harvey or any dating books that aren't written by women
-Get rid of your Tyler Perry Collection
-Get rid of those "ghetto" or "hood literature" books about crime, stripping, drugs, dysfunctional "black love" relationships and/or gold digging (if you want to marry a well-to-do/financially stable man I can post about that, just don't read these ratchet books)
-Cut off toxic people. If you know someone who is always telling you your ideas/opinions are invalid, tries to sabotage you, is not interested in self-improvement at all, distance yourself away. They could be a good person but they don't need to be that close to you because once you accomplish your goals and make more, they will try to guilt you into not accomplishing more. "You're going for another job? There are people out there who need it more than you do! Don't be greedy!", "those degrees won't keep you warm at night, let me hook you up with my cousin ray ray who just got out of jail and needs a woman", "you're standards are too high, no guy will live up to them especially for a black woman. Educated men don't like black women because _____" or anything like that.
-Make a list of the things you like about yourself, pick a cute font and pretty colors and add a background to it. For instance, "I am trustworthy and an awesome friend" over a background of a beautiful beach or a basket of kittens. Tape these papers around your room where you can see them everyday.
-Make a list of things you dislike about yourself and read it out loud. Does it sound harsh? Are you being too hard on yourself? If someone pointed these things out to you, would it hurt your feelings? If yes, then you shouldn't be telling them to yourself :) Rewrite the phrases and come up with a plan. Instead of "I hate my acne and I'm antisocial" write down "I will be more confident with clear skin and a social life". Then think about what you can do to change these things. For instance, you might get rid of your skin care products and do research on ones that will work. Instead of wishing you had more friends, you can actually put in the effort to meet people. Be more talkative in class, join a meet-up group or a book club at your library.
Stay tuned for part 2! Thank you for reading.
xoxo
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