Over the holidays I received an email from the sweetest high school student. She emailed me introducing herself and can I say that I have second-hand pride from the words she wrote!? She's 16, a high school student, also college student and has an interest in raising her self esteem. She has the drive, intelligence and motivation to go very far in life. I love hearing about young black girls who have so much potential!
Anyway, she mentioned being walked on by people, both friends and boys and wants some info on how to raise her self esteem after years of that. I completely understand and I will add that I know how frustrating it is when people tell black women that we need to "get ourselves together" and stop being so insecure", etc. and then say something vague like "if you knew better you do better", "black women STAY losing", etc. This kind of delivery makes the message seem like it's not so much "You need to raise your self esteem" and more "I do not like/value you" and they are trying to justify it by making it your fault. The reason I say that is because when you like/want someone and want to give constructive criticism won't you be respectful, empathetic and kind? It takes more than just "don't talk to people like that" or "like attracts like, so it must be something you're doing that's attracting people like that". (That second statement has some truth to it but I will get into that in another post I have drafted up)
While trying to respond to her I kept thinking back to when I was her age and I had low self esteem and what I did to change it. It took a long time for me to change my way of thinking and IT WILL TAKE YOU SOME TIME AS WELL. Think about it, how did you start to dislike things about you? We aren't born with low self esteem. We aren't born thinking our bodies aren't beautiful or our skin is too dark or our hobbies are meaningless. We were programmed at young ages to dislike ourselves and conform to what the black community wants us to be! Yes, relaxing black girls hair at a young age, the little lightskin/dark skin references, jokes about "african" features all play a part in our perception of what standards we need to hold ourselves to. What kind of community considers light skin, thin nose and light eyes as the standard of beauty when the majority of women don't have those features? A messed up one, that's what!
What is the answer to this programming? Well, it is to deprogram! Yes, 2015 is the year of deprogramming. You didn't develop low self esteem in five easy steps so you can't raise it in five easy steps lol so instead of doing one post on how to be more confident I am going to post about all the things that affect your self esteem and what to do about it.
This entire year is going to be about purging self-depreciating thoughts, bad habits, bad friends, bad men, etc. The goal is for us to be OVER IT. The first step is purging. Don't you routinely go through your fridge, beauty products and purse to get rid of things that are no longer useful or have no purpose to you anymore? Well don't you think it's time to do that to your life!!? To purge is to rid yourself of all things that are dysfunctional and destructive. I want you to do this:
-Go into your iTunes and delete ALL rap and hiphop music. ALL of it!
-Also delete depressing music of all genres. The R&B songs that are begging a lying, cheating man to come back to them, the whining songs about love and just anything that screams "woe is me"
-Go into your facebook and stop following (or unfriend, your choice) people who post things like girl fights, twerking videos, racism statuses, woman-bashing statuses, anti-bw statuses, etc.
-Stay off of sites like nowaygirl, worldstar, basically anything that showcases BW in the worst light
-Distance yourself from people who continue to make bad life decisions. No one is perfect but people who continue to make horrible life decisions need more help than any friend can give (therapy). This sounds mean but I distanced myself from my single mother friends. We are still cool but I got sick of being put down by people who felt like they had the right to say things like "being a single mommy is so hard. You don't know what it's like to struggle. I can't wait until you have kids and you'll be this tired/irritated/depressed. You're lucky". Nooo I'm not lucky, I'm smart. I know how to use birth control. And then turn around and ask me to babysit or lend them money. I may come across elitist sometimes but I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I just have high standards for myself and don't let people put me down in any way, shape or form and I highly suggest you start practicing this as well. Don't let backhanded compliments slide and don't let people bring you down with them. Don't let your broke friends treat you like an atm. If they need something, take them to the food bank. If they don't have a job, keep an eye out for always put yourselves first. If they really love you AND themselves they will appreciate it in the long run. Trust me.
-Get rid of books written by Steve Harvey or any dating books that aren't written by women
-Get rid of your Tyler Perry Collection
-Get rid of those "ghetto" or "hood literature" books about crime, stripping, drugs, dysfunctional "black love" relationships and/or gold digging (if you want to marry a well-to-do/financially stable man I can post about that, just don't read these ratchet books)
-Cut off toxic people. If you know someone who is always telling you your ideas/opinions are invalid, tries to sabotage you, is not interested in self-improvement at all, distance yourself away. They could be a good person but they don't need to be that close to you because once you accomplish your goals and make more, they will try to guilt you into not accomplishing more. "You're going for another job? There are people out there who need it more than you do! Don't be greedy!", "those degrees won't keep you warm at night, let me hook you up with my cousin ray ray who just got out of jail and needs a woman", "you're standards are too high, no guy will live up to them especially for a black woman. Educated men don't like black women because _____" or anything like that.
-Make a list of the things you like about yourself, pick a cute font and pretty colors and add a background to it. For instance, "I am trustworthy and an awesome friend" over a background of a beautiful beach or a basket of kittens. Tape these papers around your room where you can see them everyday.
-Make a list of things you dislike about yourself and read it out loud. Does it sound harsh? Are you being too hard on yourself? If someone pointed these things out to you, would it hurt your feelings? If yes, then you shouldn't be telling them to yourself :) Rewrite the phrases and come up with a plan. Instead of "I hate my acne and I'm antisocial" write down "I will be more confident with clear skin and a social life". Then think about what you can do to change these things. For instance, you might get rid of your skin care products and do research on ones that will work. Instead of wishing you had more friends, you can actually put in the effort to meet people. Be more talkative in class, join a meet-up group or a book club at your library.
Stay tuned for part 2! Thank you for reading.
xoxo
Showing posts with label first class treatment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label first class treatment. Show all posts
Monday, January 19, 2015
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
First class treatment-Demanding respect
I have a series of posts called "FIRST CLASS TREATMENT". It's about demanding respect, repairing your image and attracting high quality men and friends. Here is the first installment.
Don't deny yourself first class treatment!
For the most part, people will treat you: 1) how you treat yourself or 2) how you let them.
Have you ever had an issue with someone treating you badly? Lying to you, stealing from you, saying rude, disrespectful things? Or even making empty promises?
Why do you think this person is acting this way? Could it be that they think you don't deserve respect? Could it be their personal problem, a reflection of the issues they have with themselves/the world? Are you telling them to treat you this way? I say it's all three!
How should you deal with said behavior?
According to the Law of Effect, the events following an action will weaken or strengthen the likelihood that it will occur again.
How does this play into the feminine Black woman's life? It's no secret that Black women have a reputation for allowing low-value, trifling men into our lives, our bank accounts, our wombs and our hearts. There are many reasons for this: low self esteem, ignorance about healthy relationships, mental illness, drug problems, little to no dating options (settling), low standards, etc. If we continue to allow this, we will be extinct. We will continue to be unhappy, unmarried women, single mothers and continue to be victims of domestic violence and even murder! Yes, murder. I know you've seen articles about Black women being killed by their partners or even their children being killed by partners. It's time for us to learn how to pick suitable mates. This involves identifying key patterns in falling prey to faulty men, dating techniques, education about domestic violence and how maintain a healthy relationship.
Let's start with acknowledging why some women allow men to treat them badly and how to stop it and attract better men (and friends).
Don't put up with destructive, disrespectful behavior!
Command respect by having displaying values, manners and expecting the same from people. When you don't set standards for the way you are to be treated, people will treat you however they wish. Some will be kind but others won't. There will be times when you have to deal with people and have no way around it, like at work.
If someone does or says something rude, bring it up. Explain to them that what they did offended you and how it made you feel but don't accuse them. People can get hostile if they feel like you are pointing a finger at them. A simple statement, such as "Hey___, that comment you made was in poor taste and it offended me. That's not very (professional, nice, insert adjective here)." Anyone with manners or a brain will realize that they messed up. That statements demands an apology and sometimes an explanation (if what they said wasn't meant to offend but just came out wrong instead). If they don't apologize, then you know this person is not someone to continue socializing with.
It's important to let someone know that you will not tolerate such behavior. It warns them that if they continue, they will lose you. You don't want to be around people who don't respect your boundaries. If you always turn the cheek, you will end up with a sore face! Believe me, I am very meek in nature and I've had many situations where I've learned how to stick up for myself.
Exude confidence through your body language.
Having good posture does more for you then make you look taller! Non-verbal signals also tell people how to react to you. Crossing you arms makes you look guarded, staring at the ground while you walk and talk makes you seem as though you think you don't deserve to look people in the eye (low confidence), fidgeting gives off the vibe that you are insecure or bored. How would people who don't know you react to this? They may be aggressive to you because your crossed arms will make it seem as though you are a defensive person.
Sometimes, we get nervous and give off these non-verbal signals on accident but it's important to fix this because you may be giving off clues on your self treatment and not even know it. Have a friend observe you in your natural state and give feedback on how you carry yourself and try to correct them. Google is your friend :)
Show people what is important to you by treating yourself like a princess.
Spending time and putting effort into the things that matter to you show people that you care about yourself and that it's important to you. People will know that they need to HONOR them. Calling sick into work or class to hang out with your friends will show them that your job is less important than having a good time with them. Eventually they will start disrespecting your responsibilities and even you! Stopping by late at night, interrupting your study time, etc. That's not what you want or deserve. Teach people how to treat you by treating yourself.
Stay tuned for more, princess. xoxo
______________________________________________________________
Don't deny yourself first class treatment!
For the most part, people will treat you: 1) how you treat yourself or 2) how you let them.
Have you ever had an issue with someone treating you badly? Lying to you, stealing from you, saying rude, disrespectful things? Or even making empty promises?
Why do you think this person is acting this way? Could it be that they think you don't deserve respect? Could it be their personal problem, a reflection of the issues they have with themselves/the world? Are you telling them to treat you this way? I say it's all three!
How should you deal with said behavior?
According to the Law of Effect, the events following an action will weaken or strengthen the likelihood that it will occur again.
How does this play into the feminine Black woman's life? It's no secret that Black women have a reputation for allowing low-value, trifling men into our lives, our bank accounts, our wombs and our hearts. There are many reasons for this: low self esteem, ignorance about healthy relationships, mental illness, drug problems, little to no dating options (settling), low standards, etc. If we continue to allow this, we will be extinct. We will continue to be unhappy, unmarried women, single mothers and continue to be victims of domestic violence and even murder! Yes, murder. I know you've seen articles about Black women being killed by their partners or even their children being killed by partners. It's time for us to learn how to pick suitable mates. This involves identifying key patterns in falling prey to faulty men, dating techniques, education about domestic violence and how maintain a healthy relationship.
Let's start with acknowledging why some women allow men to treat them badly and how to stop it and attract better men (and friends).
Don't put up with destructive, disrespectful behavior!
Command respect by having displaying values, manners and expecting the same from people. When you don't set standards for the way you are to be treated, people will treat you however they wish. Some will be kind but others won't. There will be times when you have to deal with people and have no way around it, like at work.
If someone does or says something rude, bring it up. Explain to them that what they did offended you and how it made you feel but don't accuse them. People can get hostile if they feel like you are pointing a finger at them. A simple statement, such as "Hey___, that comment you made was in poor taste and it offended me. That's not very (professional, nice, insert adjective here)." Anyone with manners or a brain will realize that they messed up. That statements demands an apology and sometimes an explanation (if what they said wasn't meant to offend but just came out wrong instead). If they don't apologize, then you know this person is not someone to continue socializing with.
It's important to let someone know that you will not tolerate such behavior. It warns them that if they continue, they will lose you. You don't want to be around people who don't respect your boundaries. If you always turn the cheek, you will end up with a sore face! Believe me, I am very meek in nature and I've had many situations where I've learned how to stick up for myself.
Exude confidence through your body language.
Having good posture does more for you then make you look taller! Non-verbal signals also tell people how to react to you. Crossing you arms makes you look guarded, staring at the ground while you walk and talk makes you seem as though you think you don't deserve to look people in the eye (low confidence), fidgeting gives off the vibe that you are insecure or bored. How would people who don't know you react to this? They may be aggressive to you because your crossed arms will make it seem as though you are a defensive person.
Sometimes, we get nervous and give off these non-verbal signals on accident but it's important to fix this because you may be giving off clues on your self treatment and not even know it. Have a friend observe you in your natural state and give feedback on how you carry yourself and try to correct them. Google is your friend :)
Show people what is important to you by treating yourself like a princess.
Spending time and putting effort into the things that matter to you show people that you care about yourself and that it's important to you. People will know that they need to HONOR them. Calling sick into work or class to hang out with your friends will show them that your job is less important than having a good time with them. Eventually they will start disrespecting your responsibilities and even you! Stopping by late at night, interrupting your study time, etc. That's not what you want or deserve. Teach people how to treat you by treating yourself.
Stay tuned for more, princess. xoxo
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