On Being Defensive

Thank you for the emails with suggestions. I look forward to making more posts and to hearing from you all. I have made a list of what you want to read and I will do my best to get them out in a timely manner. Here is something I wrote while bored in my history class last quarter (I HATE HISTORY BY THE WAY lol.)
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"Minds are like parachutes, they work better when they are open."

I observe BW. Online and in person. I not only observe what people say about BW but what BW say to themselves, to other people, about themselves, about other ppl, about other BW, etc. and I have noticed that it is very VERY easy to upset a BW! Not only is it easy but for some people it is fun. Yes, seeing a BW go off is a source of entertainment for some. I know there are people who lurk BW-centered FB pages and blogs and find it entertaining all the crazy stuff people talk about. "BM only like light skinned/white women!" "BM made me feel bad my whole life, I hate BM!" It's drama and it's useless to be honest because what is the point in sharing your pain with the world? The world doesn't deserve to see it because they don't know how to handle it! Our position as BW is a unique one. Very few people (writers, poets, singers) have expressed it accurately so society does not understand or care. Your pain, anger, inner turmoil should be reserved for a professional who can help you get rid of it and understand it, such a psychiatrist or a therapist. Someone who can help you grow and function well enough that you are achieving your goals and dreams.

But anyway...

Don't let your defensiveness get in the way of getting what you want! I have noticed that many BW emotionally over-respond especially online. It is best to STOP being defensive and learn to grab opportunities while they are around and IGNORE things that do not apply to you. You can be offended by something and not respond!

I say continue to read and study materials that will help you (dating, fitness, financial) even if they don't focus on you or if they say something that you don't agree with because the information is what you want, not the attention or the coddling. You don't have to agree with everything, not everyone has the same views as you and that's okay as long as you get what you need from it.

There is a dating blog from a guy's perspective that I like. He is genuinely trying to help women. I find his advice spot on but on one post he said that BW's beautiful bodies and other features make up for "imperfect hair". In the comment section there were BW who are upset with the term he used. While I don't agree with the way he said it, I respect his opinion. WHY? Because I don't expect a WM who has never (as far as I know) dated a BW to appreciate our natural hair. He said straight hair looks better on all women which is what a lot of American men think. They grew up with sexualized tv ads and magazines shoving European beauty standards down their throat so of course that's what they want! I feel like Americans are brainwashed in some sort of way but that's for another day ;) While I think straight long hair can look great on some BW depending on her bone structure, it's not the best style for everyone. I think hair is a touchy subject for most BW and we shouldn't get mad at others for not understanding how much of a big deal it is. Hair topics always strike a nerve with BW and I understand completely. We have a reason to be upset over being judged by something we were conditioned to hate and see in a bad light. Most of us were permed and hot combed at an age too young to know what was going on. But guess what? Other people don't have this experience and don't understand why it's such a big deal so when you get upset or go off they don't understand that either and will get defensive as well. My advice is to remind yourself of our unique position in society and give other people the benefit of the doubt when they are misinformed or say something ignorant.

BE OPEN to knowledge and advice from all places and viewpoints because there is always something you can take away from it. The easiest way for me is to think of myself is as a project. I made a list of things I wanted to change about myself, a list of criticism I have heard from other people and a list of things possessed by the ideal woman I want to be. I suggest making one for yourself. Once you understand what you need to improve on and why as well as the benefits of improvement, you will feel less self-conscious and when someone brings up your weakness (even in a rude way)  you will think to yourself (I already know and I'm working on it!). You won't get defensive and will respond in a classy way instead of with anger.

Ex:
Random woman in Target: "You are too young to have a belly, girl. I wouldn't let my daughter let herself go like that"
You:"B&%^$  you don't know me! You are so rude, who do you think you are!?"

or

Random woman in Target:  "You are too young to have a belly, girl. I wouldn't let my daughter let herself go like that"
You: "Well, I've been working out lately and can't wait to see the results! What does your daughter do to stay fit? I'd love to know *smiles*"
Random woman: *confused that they weren't cursed out* *walks away*

Now that example is a little silly but I've seen similar interactions. People who are rude towards BW aren't just racist people but anyone who is aware how easy it is to tick off a BW. It's a source of entertainment for some, unfortunately. While I don't believe we can prevent people from coming at us sideways, we can change the way we react to it. Not only does it deter those people from attempting to make you uncomfortable again, but also lets potential dates or platonic friends from both genders know that you are kind, non-argumentative, open-minded and even-tempered. Who wants to be friends with someone who gets upset easily?

You may be thinking, what does it matter what other people think, only what I think of myself matters! That's not the whole truth. You should be content with yourself but what other certain people think does matter because friends are important, your relationship with your boss and colleagues are important, your relationship with your landlord is important, etc. Your attitude and ability to interact with people contribute to your reputation and trust me, a woman who cannot hold her temper, take constructive criticism, ignore and/ or deflect shade determines your ability to network and move ahead. No one wants to be around someone who is hyper-sensitive and is a ticking time bomb for a temper tantrum.

And if that person's comment doesn't pertain to you or isn't true, you can brush it off your shoulders. Believe it or not, bullying doesn't end in middle school. There are grown people walking around with a chip on their shoulders and they go out of their way to be rude and insult others. Being mean makes some people feel good. It's not your fault at all so just brush it off your beautiful shoulders and don't take it personally :)

The biggest hurdle in self-improvement is being strong enough to look inside yourself and be honest. I have faith that you can improve yourself even though I don't know you. How? Because the simple fact that you are reading this blog and others shows that you are interested in letting go, engaging with other BW, learning and setting goals for yourself and moving forward.

The point of this post is to say that when you take offense to something very easily it is because you are over- sensitive to it. You have a vested interest in it and that is holding you back from seeing the truth and reacting accordingly. Your personal goal should be to recognize when this is happening and nip it in the bud. When you feel yourself getting upset, remind yourself that your emotions can make you react in the wrong way and that if you think more logically at this time, you can get a better reaction and diffuse the situation. I would like to see more of my Black/biracial sisters react to haters in a more confident, controlled and even playful way. The next time someone says something rude to you just take a deep breath and smile, even if you are angry! Show your pretty smile and either say nothing at all or something polite and vague. "You think so? Interesting...." Then sashay away ^_^

Talk to you all tomorrow!
xoxo

Feminine hobbies

I have compiled a list of hobbies for those of you who are looking for something fun to fill up your spare time.

• soap making

• flower arranging

• cooking/baking

• gardening

• painting

• language learning

• reading and writing

• playing an instrument

• dancing

• sewing/crocheting

• singing

• interior designing

Hobbies are important because they give you something to look forward to and feel good. Feminine hobbies are important for harnessing your femininity and creativity. You can take any of the hobbies above and make it an outlet for stress, sadness, happiness, hope, joy. etc.

My favorite hobbies are sewing and gardening because I feel that they are both vintage and it makes me feel extra lady like :) I put on some soft music and I can sew/garden for hours! Plus when you find something you are passionate about, you yearn for improvement and seek knowledge about the subject. For instance after I grew my first tomato vine, I wanted to grow more types of tomatoes and now I have 13!

What are your favorite hobbies?

Small ways to boost your confidence

1. Identify your talents.
It doesn't matter what it is! I happen to be pretty good at cross stitching. I've mentioned this to someone and they called it "granny" but it's something I enjoy and that I'm good at. For every person who doesn't like what you do, there are many more who appreciate it and find it interesting.

2. Remind you of yourself.
Every morning, write something about yourself. It can be something big, like your worst fear or what you want most in life or something small like your favorite color or type of dog. Keep these thoughts in a journal and look back at them from time to time. Taking the time to acknowledge the things you care about make you feel like you matter, like you're a real person with thought, hope and dreams.

I started doing this two years ago. At first, I used various colors to write things and draw little cartoons to match. Now, I've upgraded to making images, sort of like memes. Things like this are all over the internet. Google "things I like" or "bucket list" or "things that make me smile" and you will find some done by people all over the world! It's amazing how much we can have in common with total strangers from completely different backgrounds, right? :)

3. Let go of the need to be accepted and loved by everyone.
Not only is it unrealistic but it's too much work and energy! There's a quote by a woman I admire for her femininity, Dita Von Teese

Aspiring to be loved by everyone requires you to constantly change yourself to fit a certain mold. That will cause you mental anguish and you will start to feel lost. After a while, you will begin to wonder "who am I?"

4. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made.
If you knew better, you'd do better. Put more effort into learning how to do better and less into making yourself feel guilty about mistakes that we ALL make. Noone is perfect.

5. Show gratitude.
Gratitude is the quality of being grateful and the readiness of showing appreciation. Being alive is something to be thankful for! Many people take this for granted and it is truly sad. Every day is an opportunity to appreciate this beautiful planet, your culture, other people's culture and everything else.

Speaking for myself, I am very grateful to be American. I was born into a family with lots of mental, drug, alcohol and poverty issues but I am grateful for the opportunity I had to get away from it all. There are resources upon resources in this country to turn your life around! Even though I believe there is a socio-economic and political system to keep certain groups of people in their place, there are still many ways to go from being poor to being middle class and even rich. Some people in countries aren't afforded these privileges :( That's why I'm grateful because I can recognize and be thankful for it. Not only that, but one day when I can afford it, I would like to give back and help people. That would definetly build my confidence-knowing I can make a difference in someone's life and seeing them smile!


Those are just a few tips I had jotted down in one of my many notebooks. If you have any confidence tips, please post them below and share. Thanks! xoxo

Moving On

Black women have an image of being bitter and angry, both of which are understanding because many of us are born into bad situations and suffer. Unfortunately, some of us are born into single-parent homes with a stressed out mother trying to provide for the family, grew up in unsafe neighborhoods with a bad public school system and many other sad circumstances. Sexual abuse and domestic violence are big issues in the black community and are often ignored. If you bring these topics up around other Black people, you will get accused of "airing our dirty laundry to the white folks". Yes, people still talk like that in 2014. LOL! So the Black community is aware of the problems many Black women have but they still criticize us for being damaged because of it. Makes no sense, huh? We are brainwashed, degraded and abused and told to "get over it". Well, that's what we will do :) And when we are over it, we will leave those negative people behind and live the life we desire!

As black women, having a bad background can no longer be an excuse for us. Being angry and bitter is what is expected and is holding us back. I strongly recommend seeing a therapist. A college professor once told me that the people who deny needing mental health services are the ones who need it the most! Everyone needs someone to talk to, someone to help them deal with the stress life brings but it's very very important for a damaged woman to seek these services. There is a stigma of having a mental illness like depression and anxiety in American society but even more so in the Black community because it is considered a "white people's problem" and we are told that we have to be strong all the time! We have been strong since we were enslaved and brought to this country and its time to let go. Its time to that that extra weight off and be spiritually free. It's not possible for anyone to be strong all the time without breaking and we shouldn't have to.

I will talk more about mental illness in a later post. This post will be about things you can do outside of professional services. These are some tips to start healing yourself and becoming the feminine, lovely Black queen that you are! It all starts in your head.

Moving on and letting go:

1. Get it out. Write in a journal, tell a therapist or trusted person, sing or even draw about what is inside of you, what is hurting. Having pent up anger, sadness, anxiety will only make the wounds hurt more. You will never be able to get over things if you hold onto them!

2. Leave the past behind. The man who played you and left you with children to fend for yourselves, the father who abandoned you, the bully who made you feel small, the teacher who didn't believe in you are all in your past. Do you think they are losing sleep over what they did to you? No! Accept your enemies, bullies and even failed goals/dreams and prepare to move on. Don't move on with the intention of impressing these people with your success. Don't do it for them. They aren't thinking of you, remember?

 Just because someone hurt you doesn't mean that's what you deserve. Just because someone made you feel like you are ugly, doesn't make you ugly. Just because someone told you that you are stupid doesn't mean that you are stupid! The way someone treats you says more about them than about you. Abuse turns into a cycle. There is a saying: "Hurt people hurt people". It's true! One damaged person hurts an innocent person, then that once innocent person takes out their anger on someone else, who in turn hurts someone else. The cycle needs to stop WITH YOU. Your offspring shouldn't suffer from your bad dating habits and be exposed to no-good men just because your father abandoned you and you never learned how to attract a respectful, high quality man. Your spouse should not have to put up with your attitude problem because you distrust all men because of sour relationships with previous boyfriends. It's true that all women suffer from this but it is important as a Black woman to be aware of this vicious cycle and correct it because the odds are stacked against us and we have a negative image that makes things hard for us to move up and move on.
Don't feel bad about what happened to you sista, feel relieved that it is over. Feel grateful that you survived and can learn from this experience.

3. Figure out what you want in life, but do not put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect. Society already does that job for you =/ Be honest with yourself and set achievable but challenging goals. Our goals should serve as a map to get exactly where we want to go.

4. Forget about perfection! Chasing perfection is chasing the unachievable. Learn from mistakes instead of getting discouraged by them.

5. Become an early riser. When you have more time in your day to complete tasks, learn, explore hobbies, etc. you will feel more wholesome and it will raise your confidence and sense of self. Having a pleasant present and a promising future will help you get over your past and maybe even make you feel grateful for it! Adversity builds character.

6. Get rid of negativity. Get rid of toxic friends, men who disrespect you, people who don't have your best interest at heart. Don't let racist people hurt your feelings, don't let sexist people make you feel like less of a woman. Don't let feminazis make you feel guilty for expressing your femininity. You deserve to be happy. Block out the negativity and you will have more room for the positivity and growth!

7. Do more by doing less. Do more of what produces good results and less of what doesn't.

8. Make this journey fun. Discover what makes you smile, laugh and feel warm inside and do these things often. Your smile is beautiful, your laughter is musical and your spirit is pure. You deserve to do these things and the world needs to see it! Have fun and enjoy your life while working hard to make your goals a reality.

Thanks for reading this post and I hope this is helpful to you all.