This quarter was very intense and that is why I update so sporadically. I can't promise to post more often but I will be spending spring break making posts and hopefully put them on a posting schedule. I don't want to come across insensitive or lacking in empathy but I have something that I would like to have a conversation about something:
There is an article of a BW moaning about having a hard time dating online. She sounded depressed, disappointed and insecure that she had no luck. While I feel bad that she is having a hard time, I am kind of annoyed with articles like this because they make us BW look desperate and it doesn't solve anything! What is the point? To make people feel bad enough for you to date you? And this isn't the only one either. I see it all the time on tumblr. BW whining about being unwanted and sometimes disrespected while searching for a partner. Now I can empathize with some of these girls because I know how hard it was to find a suitable partner. I'm not going to sugar coat things. Dating in general is hard but swirling is even harder because not only do you have to vet out the users, cheaters and abusers but also the undercover racists, men with fetishes or the ones who just want to experiment or use BW as a back up plan. Do you know what is more unattractive than a woman who is morbidly obese, crude or boring? An insecure woman with a victim complex who is going to bitch and moan over something that can be changed. Am I saying this is all her fault? No! I'm saying that it makes you look bad to complain on a public platform about something that happens to thousands of women every day. Learn how to accept rejection and move on. See what you could do differently and take another approach to reach your goal. Online dating not working out? Try actually leaving your home. My friends and I had more successful love lives when we got off the computer and into actual settings that put us in the position to mingle with high-quality men.
The thing is, people are watching and paying attention. They are noticing that not only are BW opening up their dating options (a good thing) but some are desperate enough to accept anything that's not black (every seen a single black mom with a swarm of mixed-race babies and no ring?). I saw it myself years ago when I joined an online dating website after being stationed at a new base. This guy wrote on his profile that he is not worried about having to put up with a WW's bullshit because knows there are many many asian and black women who are at his beck-and-call. *eye roll* I've also been approached by an underemployed man with bad hygiene who expected me to just give him a chance because most BW never marry anyway and he's "willing" to date me. LMFAO! I just giggled and acted like he never said it. So because there's a chance that we never marry that we are supposed to lower our standards? Heck no...
Dating, unfortunately, is a game. A hard game and it takes a lot of research, practicing and strategy to master it. Everyone faces rejection in one way or another. As BW, who some see as the bottom of the totem pole, rejection is inevitable. Some people are downright cruel. I found a fitness forum that had a "general discussion" section and a recent thread was of a young WM asking ppl what to put in his free dating profile so that BW would stop sending him messages. Do you know what the responses were? To be as cruel and nasty as he wanted to be to these women because they are over stepping a boundary that shouldn't be crossed. How dare they think they are good enough for him! Why should he date a girl who's hair he couldn't even run his hands through? He even posted screenshots of the messages he got (which weren't inappropriate or strange, just regular friendly/flirty) and they all laughed at them and even decided to make accounts just to troll these women. SMH it made me furious! But then I reminded myself that this is the internet, where people show their hidden colors. Now I don't think all non-BM are racist and cruel but I just don't want young BW to think that because a few BW celebrities successfully swirled that it is easy-peasy. In fact, you may find that you find a suitable BM to be courted by and marry! You never know!
As much as I advocate for BW to expand their dating options, I want BW to be realistic. Swirling is not all rainbows and lollipops and it is not for everyone. This is America. Racism and prejudice is America's theme. Non-BM are not magical unicorns, they can be DBR's too. It may take years, moving into a new city, total life makeover etc. before you meet a potential partner but if you put in effort, you will reap the rewards. And that works for every aspect of your life. It helps immensely to learn to take things in stride, learn how to play the game and be strategic. Here are a few tips I have:
-don't send out messages. Let the men come to you. Focus on writing a nice profile that doesn't give out too much info about you, having attractive photos that not only show off your face but your fit body in an appropriate way (in a classy cocktail dress or gown, a flowing skirt) and know how to come across as mysterious and not spill the beans.
-don't go back and forth too much. Don't let him make you a message-buddy, a woman he only talks to when he's bored. If he doesn't ask you out within 10 messages, stop responding until he actually asks you out on a real date to a real place, not his couch to watch netflix and "get to know each other", which is code for "find out if you are easy to get into bed" All the women I know who have accepted such dates ended up being seduced Lol.
-don't say anything in your profile that bashes BM, it's unattractive and immature because it shows that you have baggage. Nothing like "I am into interracial dating only so if you aren't ____ don't bother" or "I'm don't date BM because they think they are better than me" (I've seen this one lol) or anything like that. Just ignore the messages you get from men you aren't interested in and that goes for other things like men of a certain age group, in a certain work field, etc. There are other ways to let men know you are down with the swirl. I personally used to put that I have traveled extensively and am learning multiple languages and would like to meet someone who has is as well. Believe it or not that pretty much narrowed it down to WM and AM who were adventurous, had a degree and were comfortable career-wise (it's probably because you have to be financially stable to travel a lot). Which brings me to my next point:
-the best places to meet men are in places that go with travelling, money, business and science. By that I mean airports, high end lounges in airports or hotels, banks, auctions, science conventions etc. I actually got a part time job while in the military at an airport lounge as a cocktail waitress and I met my ex-bf there. He was a med-school student from the East Coast who was on his way to a residency interview. He gave me his business card and I never called him. He actually came back to the lounge before going home to chat me up. I acted like I never said I would call him, I flirted and smiled, had a fun convo like nothing ever happened. I said I would keep in contact but I didn't because I wanted to see if he was the type of guy to go after what he wanted and I was right. He actually called my job one weekend and asked my manager if he could speak to me! He came back for residency the next fall and we started dating. He ended up being a sweetheart and spoiled me so rotten. It was a nice change from the wanna-be Eminem's I dated in high school! Yep, stay away from the Malibu's Most Wanted types, sistas, they are nothing but immature losers that have absorbed the bad part of Black Culture via disgusting rap music.
-Don't date when you are desperately lonely. I think it's understandable to want some romance in your life but loneliness is easy to spot and can make you a target for users and abusers. Don't respond to online messages during the weekends, that's just telling them that you don't have anything to fill your precious time with. Wait until the weekend is over and respond. Don't apologize and be like :"sorry I was so busy I had to ____ and then I ___" You have nothing to apologize for (you don't owe him anything) and it's none of his business what you did that weekend. If he wanted to know he would ask ;) There are men out there who love lonely women because they are easy to take advantage of sexually, financially and emotionally. These are the type of men who will exploit you emotionally and convince you to do things like put things he wants in your name and mess up your credit LOL It is best to start dating when you already have some things going on such as work, running your business, school, etc. That way, you won't have the time or energy to fret over every little thing. You won't over a text that wasn't responded to right away or feel insecure if he is out getting to know someone else. Confidence will enable you to not care about these things because you will know that you are high quality yourself and if he knows what's good for him he will make an effort to get to know such a creature ;) I also suggest you date more than one guy at once. By dating I mean letting him take you out, getting to know each other by talking on the phone (instead of endless text conversations) or in person. This keeps you from settling with a guy because he was your only option at the time.
-Notice that I didn't say anything about sex? Since you will be getting courted by more than one guy, you shouldn't be having sex until you know who you want to be with exclusively. Now I have brought this up in real life before and it made some women mad. How dare I advise not to sleep with a man soon after meeting him! Why does this upset people so much? I'm not saying there's a timeline to when you should sleep with a guy as everyone has different comfort levels. I'm saying it's not wise to sleep with a man very soon, especially if you are dating more than one (as you should). Us women are emotional creatures and whether we like it or not, sex is more than just sex. We absorb the other person's feelings for us. If you start a sexual relationship with a man right away how do you know that you really want to be with him or if you are just infatuated because he is good in bed? It's best to think logically and make sure that he actually lives up to your standards before you give your body to him. Ideally the man will be looking for a partner/relationship and more than just sex so it won't bug him to actually get to know you first. In fact, you shouldn't be seeing him in places that aren't in public until you know if he is looking for a real relationship with you. Until then keep it PG and do normal things like wine tasting, sight seeing, going to the boardwalk, movies, art exhibits, etc.
Those are just some things that I thought I would share. This post was really random but I see that a lot of BW (at least online) are lost when it comes to the dating world. In a nutshell: toss those rejections aside like they never happened, continue learning about man-women relationship dynamics and improving yourself, research and follow "The Rules" (a book), and don't focus on your failures/bad experiences. Everyone has them and it's best not to showcase your woe-is-me attitude to the world because it is pointless and solves nothing.
Until next time,
xoxo
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Monday, March 30, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
Learning Confidence: A journey for young black girls
Over the holidays I received an email from the sweetest high school student. She emailed me introducing herself and can I say that I have second-hand pride from the words she wrote!? She's 16, a high school student, also college student and has an interest in raising her self esteem. She has the drive, intelligence and motivation to go very far in life. I love hearing about young black girls who have so much potential!
Anyway, she mentioned being walked on by people, both friends and boys and wants some info on how to raise her self esteem after years of that. I completely understand and I will add that I know how frustrating it is when people tell black women that we need to "get ourselves together" and stop being so insecure", etc. and then say something vague like "if you knew better you do better", "black women STAY losing", etc. This kind of delivery makes the message seem like it's not so much "You need to raise your self esteem" and more "I do not like/value you" and they are trying to justify it by making it your fault. The reason I say that is because when you like/want someone and want to give constructive criticism won't you be respectful, empathetic and kind? It takes more than just "don't talk to people like that" or "like attracts like, so it must be something you're doing that's attracting people like that". (That second statement has some truth to it but I will get into that in another post I have drafted up)
While trying to respond to her I kept thinking back to when I was her age and I had low self esteem and what I did to change it. It took a long time for me to change my way of thinking and IT WILL TAKE YOU SOME TIME AS WELL. Think about it, how did you start to dislike things about you? We aren't born with low self esteem. We aren't born thinking our bodies aren't beautiful or our skin is too dark or our hobbies are meaningless. We were programmed at young ages to dislike ourselves and conform to what the black community wants us to be! Yes, relaxing black girls hair at a young age, the little lightskin/dark skin references, jokes about "african" features all play a part in our perception of what standards we need to hold ourselves to. What kind of community considers light skin, thin nose and light eyes as the standard of beauty when the majority of women don't have those features? A messed up one, that's what!
What is the answer to this programming? Well, it is to deprogram! Yes, 2015 is the year of deprogramming. You didn't develop low self esteem in five easy steps so you can't raise it in five easy steps lol so instead of doing one post on how to be more confident I am going to post about all the things that affect your self esteem and what to do about it.
This entire year is going to be about purging self-depreciating thoughts, bad habits, bad friends, bad men, etc. The goal is for us to be OVER IT. The first step is purging. Don't you routinely go through your fridge, beauty products and purse to get rid of things that are no longer useful or have no purpose to you anymore? Well don't you think it's time to do that to your life!!? To purge is to rid yourself of all things that are dysfunctional and destructive. I want you to do this:
-Go into your iTunes and delete ALL rap and hiphop music. ALL of it!
-Also delete depressing music of all genres. The R&B songs that are begging a lying, cheating man to come back to them, the whining songs about love and just anything that screams "woe is me"
-Go into your facebook and stop following (or unfriend, your choice) people who post things like girl fights, twerking videos, racism statuses, woman-bashing statuses, anti-bw statuses, etc.
-Stay off of sites like nowaygirl, worldstar, basically anything that showcases BW in the worst light
-Distance yourself from people who continue to make bad life decisions. No one is perfect but people who continue to make horrible life decisions need more help than any friend can give (therapy). This sounds mean but I distanced myself from my single mother friends. We are still cool but I got sick of being put down by people who felt like they had the right to say things like "being a single mommy is so hard. You don't know what it's like to struggle. I can't wait until you have kids and you'll be this tired/irritated/depressed. You're lucky". Nooo I'm not lucky, I'm smart. I know how to use birth control. And then turn around and ask me to babysit or lend them money. I may come across elitist sometimes but I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I just have high standards for myself and don't let people put me down in any way, shape or form and I highly suggest you start practicing this as well. Don't let backhanded compliments slide and don't let people bring you down with them. Don't let your broke friends treat you like an atm. If they need something, take them to the food bank. If they don't have a job, keep an eye out for always put yourselves first. If they really love you AND themselves they will appreciate it in the long run. Trust me.
-Get rid of books written by Steve Harvey or any dating books that aren't written by women
-Get rid of your Tyler Perry Collection
-Get rid of those "ghetto" or "hood literature" books about crime, stripping, drugs, dysfunctional "black love" relationships and/or gold digging (if you want to marry a well-to-do/financially stable man I can post about that, just don't read these ratchet books)
-Cut off toxic people. If you know someone who is always telling you your ideas/opinions are invalid, tries to sabotage you, is not interested in self-improvement at all, distance yourself away. They could be a good person but they don't need to be that close to you because once you accomplish your goals and make more, they will try to guilt you into not accomplishing more. "You're going for another job? There are people out there who need it more than you do! Don't be greedy!", "those degrees won't keep you warm at night, let me hook you up with my cousin ray ray who just got out of jail and needs a woman", "you're standards are too high, no guy will live up to them especially for a black woman. Educated men don't like black women because _____" or anything like that.
-Make a list of the things you like about yourself, pick a cute font and pretty colors and add a background to it. For instance, "I am trustworthy and an awesome friend" over a background of a beautiful beach or a basket of kittens. Tape these papers around your room where you can see them everyday.
-Make a list of things you dislike about yourself and read it out loud. Does it sound harsh? Are you being too hard on yourself? If someone pointed these things out to you, would it hurt your feelings? If yes, then you shouldn't be telling them to yourself :) Rewrite the phrases and come up with a plan. Instead of "I hate my acne and I'm antisocial" write down "I will be more confident with clear skin and a social life". Then think about what you can do to change these things. For instance, you might get rid of your skin care products and do research on ones that will work. Instead of wishing you had more friends, you can actually put in the effort to meet people. Be more talkative in class, join a meet-up group or a book club at your library.
Stay tuned for part 2! Thank you for reading.
xoxo
Anyway, she mentioned being walked on by people, both friends and boys and wants some info on how to raise her self esteem after years of that. I completely understand and I will add that I know how frustrating it is when people tell black women that we need to "get ourselves together" and stop being so insecure", etc. and then say something vague like "if you knew better you do better", "black women STAY losing", etc. This kind of delivery makes the message seem like it's not so much "You need to raise your self esteem" and more "I do not like/value you" and they are trying to justify it by making it your fault. The reason I say that is because when you like/want someone and want to give constructive criticism won't you be respectful, empathetic and kind? It takes more than just "don't talk to people like that" or "like attracts like, so it must be something you're doing that's attracting people like that". (That second statement has some truth to it but I will get into that in another post I have drafted up)
While trying to respond to her I kept thinking back to when I was her age and I had low self esteem and what I did to change it. It took a long time for me to change my way of thinking and IT WILL TAKE YOU SOME TIME AS WELL. Think about it, how did you start to dislike things about you? We aren't born with low self esteem. We aren't born thinking our bodies aren't beautiful or our skin is too dark or our hobbies are meaningless. We were programmed at young ages to dislike ourselves and conform to what the black community wants us to be! Yes, relaxing black girls hair at a young age, the little lightskin/dark skin references, jokes about "african" features all play a part in our perception of what standards we need to hold ourselves to. What kind of community considers light skin, thin nose and light eyes as the standard of beauty when the majority of women don't have those features? A messed up one, that's what!
What is the answer to this programming? Well, it is to deprogram! Yes, 2015 is the year of deprogramming. You didn't develop low self esteem in five easy steps so you can't raise it in five easy steps lol so instead of doing one post on how to be more confident I am going to post about all the things that affect your self esteem and what to do about it.
This entire year is going to be about purging self-depreciating thoughts, bad habits, bad friends, bad men, etc. The goal is for us to be OVER IT. The first step is purging. Don't you routinely go through your fridge, beauty products and purse to get rid of things that are no longer useful or have no purpose to you anymore? Well don't you think it's time to do that to your life!!? To purge is to rid yourself of all things that are dysfunctional and destructive. I want you to do this:
-Go into your iTunes and delete ALL rap and hiphop music. ALL of it!
-Also delete depressing music of all genres. The R&B songs that are begging a lying, cheating man to come back to them, the whining songs about love and just anything that screams "woe is me"
-Go into your facebook and stop following (or unfriend, your choice) people who post things like girl fights, twerking videos, racism statuses, woman-bashing statuses, anti-bw statuses, etc.
-Stay off of sites like nowaygirl, worldstar, basically anything that showcases BW in the worst light
-Distance yourself from people who continue to make bad life decisions. No one is perfect but people who continue to make horrible life decisions need more help than any friend can give (therapy). This sounds mean but I distanced myself from my single mother friends. We are still cool but I got sick of being put down by people who felt like they had the right to say things like "being a single mommy is so hard. You don't know what it's like to struggle. I can't wait until you have kids and you'll be this tired/irritated/depressed. You're lucky". Nooo I'm not lucky, I'm smart. I know how to use birth control. And then turn around and ask me to babysit or lend them money. I may come across elitist sometimes but I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I just have high standards for myself and don't let people put me down in any way, shape or form and I highly suggest you start practicing this as well. Don't let backhanded compliments slide and don't let people bring you down with them. Don't let your broke friends treat you like an atm. If they need something, take them to the food bank. If they don't have a job, keep an eye out for always put yourselves first. If they really love you AND themselves they will appreciate it in the long run. Trust me.
-Get rid of books written by Steve Harvey or any dating books that aren't written by women
-Get rid of your Tyler Perry Collection
-Get rid of those "ghetto" or "hood literature" books about crime, stripping, drugs, dysfunctional "black love" relationships and/or gold digging (if you want to marry a well-to-do/financially stable man I can post about that, just don't read these ratchet books)
-Cut off toxic people. If you know someone who is always telling you your ideas/opinions are invalid, tries to sabotage you, is not interested in self-improvement at all, distance yourself away. They could be a good person but they don't need to be that close to you because once you accomplish your goals and make more, they will try to guilt you into not accomplishing more. "You're going for another job? There are people out there who need it more than you do! Don't be greedy!", "those degrees won't keep you warm at night, let me hook you up with my cousin ray ray who just got out of jail and needs a woman", "you're standards are too high, no guy will live up to them especially for a black woman. Educated men don't like black women because _____" or anything like that.
-Make a list of the things you like about yourself, pick a cute font and pretty colors and add a background to it. For instance, "I am trustworthy and an awesome friend" over a background of a beautiful beach or a basket of kittens. Tape these papers around your room where you can see them everyday.
-Make a list of things you dislike about yourself and read it out loud. Does it sound harsh? Are you being too hard on yourself? If someone pointed these things out to you, would it hurt your feelings? If yes, then you shouldn't be telling them to yourself :) Rewrite the phrases and come up with a plan. Instead of "I hate my acne and I'm antisocial" write down "I will be more confident with clear skin and a social life". Then think about what you can do to change these things. For instance, you might get rid of your skin care products and do research on ones that will work. Instead of wishing you had more friends, you can actually put in the effort to meet people. Be more talkative in class, join a meet-up group or a book club at your library.
Stay tuned for part 2! Thank you for reading.
xoxo
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Feminine hobbies
I have compiled a list of hobbies for those of you who are looking for something fun to fill up your spare time.
- soap making
- flower arranging
- cooking/baking
- gardening
- painting
- language learning
- reading and writing
- playing an instrument
- dancing
- sewing/crocheting
- singing
- interior designing
Hobbies are important because they give you something to look forward to and feel good. Feminine hobbies are important for harnessing your femininity and creativity. You can take any of the hobbies above and make it an outlet for stress, sadness, happiness, hope, joy. etc.
My favorite hobbies are sewing and gardening because I feel that they are both vintage and it makes me feel extra lady like :) I put on some soft music and I can sew/garden for hours! Plus when you find something you are passionate about, you yearn for improvement and seek knowledge about the subject. For instance after I grew my first tomato vine, I wanted to grow more types of tomatoes and now I have 13!
What are your favorite hobbies?
Friday, December 5, 2014
Why I left facebook and Distractors
I created a facebook page to share my blog posts and interact more with people. I knew there were other BW out there who are interested in gaining social status, sharing tips on class, beauty advice, dating advice, health tips and many other things. I was interested in connecting with other forward-thinking BW. By forward-thinking I mean BW who think outside the box that society wants to put us in, BW who want to develop into graceful, classy and pioneering women who aren't afraid of following their dreams because it's not something that "black women do". I want to replace the image of BW around the globe from despair and struggle to mysterious, enticing and beautiful. I already know how sexy, intelligent and creative we are but I want the whole world to know. I want the future generations of little black girls to not be treated like adults at a young age, to not be hypersexualized and not deemed as masculine and unworthy of protection.
I actually did find quite a few BW like that but also I got a lot of death threats, crazy messages and general cattiness. Facebook can be pretty messy anyway but I got sick of the constant drama. I found out some things about my favorite "bwe" bloggers that made me change my view on them! so I decided to delete the page and I feel much better :)
But you know what I noticed? That a lot of BW only like, comment on and share things that are about dissing black guys, exposing anti-bw and/or colorist celebrities, crime, etc. My posts about losing weight, makeup, skin care and job opportunities/college had the least activity. Some BW claim to want to move on but they seriously don't want to. They recognize that they need to leave the Black community behind but are all talk and no action. You have to do more than move out of Blackistan, you have to stop reading toxic articles, un-friend troublesome people,etc.
What really makes me laugh is how African-Americans like to tell other black people from Latin America or Europe that we aren't the same as them and shouldn't use their slang and don't identify with them. Not just online but in real life I have been excluded by African-Americans once they found out that I was born in a Latin country. I have been told on numerous occasions that I do not understand what it's like for African-Americans because I am "hispanic" and therefore have a different experience. But if I refer to myself as brown as I do on my blog, then people get upset at that, too. "So...what, we can't be black anymore?" *sigh* So what is it?
I did not grow up privileged. The hoods of America aren't the worst places in the world so miss me with that. I will not share my personal story but know that I was the poster child of forgotten children: poor, black, female, immigrant, foster care, inner city, etc. I found a way out of that, I found a way to be happy and make a place for myself in the world. I am still young but I have created a life for myself that doesn't involve the tale of woe that so many BW like to share with the world. I'm sick of those movies like Precious, Tyler Perry, etc. and the constant articles online of BW crying about BM not wanting them, racism this, racism that. Some people are addicted to dysfunction and if you value yourself you will separate yourself from all negativity, purge the pain out of your life and morph into the woman you want to be. Transformations are not exclusive to hollywood movies and tv shows, you have the power of determining your future if you actually put effort into it.
Even if only one person reads this blog and learns a new technique or discovers a new hobby they didn't know about then I will be happy. I have decided to change this blog a little. I will be posting what advice I can give and find for certain topics. I am here for other young, like-minded BW who are interested in social status, higher education, marriage/relationships, being nice and friendly, losing and maintaining normal weight, beauty advice, goal setting, wealth resources, etc. and any other things I think we should share.
____________________________________________________________________
Anyway.....
I'm sure we all have met people who purposely tried to distract us, throw us off our game or hurt our self esteem. It especially hurts when it comes from someone we love. There's no magic cure for the people who do it and there's no way to get people to stop. It's a part of life. We are going to run into people who, for one reason or another, don't like us or don't want us to achieve something. It's not your responsibility to change them, the only thing you can do is not let them succeed at it.
Whether you are into something that isn't stereotypically "black" like cosplay or hockey, if you are in a sub-culture besides the urban scene, or interracially date, there will be people who will try to make you feel like you are doing something wrong. They'll try to embarrass you, try to force you to explain why you do it, try to convince you that you're crazy, etc. Not only have you seen it, by I have witnessed it countless times. I believe the reason why they do this is because you do not fit into the box they want to put you in and it makes them more comfortable
Here are some of the things you may have heard:
-"Black people don't do _________________". This is said to "other" you and make you feel outcasted. The intent is to make you want to fit in and conform to their standards.
-"After all the horrible things white people did, how can you date one?" This is supposed to guilt you out of dating who you want. Don't ever feel guilty for wanting to date who treats you right regardless of race.
-"You'll never be accepted by white people" This one cracks me up because I certainly don't expect all white people to accept me nor do I want them to. I'm not a people pleaser and I don't care who is okay with my choices. You shouldn't be either. Besides, it's not like the black community will accept you for who you are.
-"My cousins/brothers/daddy/uncle are black and they dont act like that! Don't paint all BM with the same brush". When BW bloggers say f&*k BM, we don't mean each and every one because it is impossible to know the mindset of each BM...we mean the collective. It is painfully clear that BM do not like or respect us. They have been trying to seperate themselves from us for DECADES yet some BW are still blind and want to continue to march and cape for them. I see young black boys like pitbull puppies. They are cute while small but I know they will become a threat when they get older.
-"White men only want you for sex". Any bm don't? Why are 70% of black kids born out of wedlock?
-A common one said by white feminists is, "ALL women face domestic violence, street harassment, etc. Why do you have to make it about race?" We may face the same issues but they are handled differently due to racism. The police are less likely to help a BW being abused, judges are less likely to prosecute the aggressor of a BW.
The point of saying these things is to distract you from whatever you are doing, They want to persuade, guilt or shame you into thinking like them. My biggest piece of advice is not to engage in conversation with these people. Don't try to explain yourself to them, just ignore it. If they get pushy then say "I don't want to discuss this with you" give them a quick smile and remove yourself from the conversation. Walk away, go back to your work, start a conversation with someone else, etc. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your life choices.
I have a few posts drafted up and almost ready to post. The holidays have made my job very busy and I got married! The wedding was here in Northern California and we had a second ceremony in Switzerland for his family. I hope the Holidays treat you well. Take care!
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Attaching your ego to frivolous things
One thing I have noticed about women is that our egos are commonly attached to things that aren't that important. If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought she was better than the next because she didn't wear makeup or has a certain body shape or a college degree, I would be a millionaire!
I think women do this because they have created standards and set of rules in their mind on how others should live their lives. They get on their pedestal and preach about how men like this or men don't like that or "women who do this are _____". In reality they aren't concerned at all about teaching or helping people improve their lives. They attach their body shape, skin condition, lack of plastic surgery or makeup or their relationship status to their self worth. Well, guess what? You are no better than the person who does the opposite.
I blog about femininity and feminine things. I have an interest in makeup, dating, romance, fitness, being a homemaker, etc but I don't dislike women who do not care about this. I believe we all have a place in this world and if we are all the same life would be terribly boring. That may sound corny but that's the way I was raised. The smallest ant is no less significant than a human being, we have our purpose in life. Our Creator made me a biological woman for a reason and I intend to embrace it as much as I can in this modern world that tries it's best to convince me that I'm wrong.
To the women, especially BW, if you feel you do not need makeup then GOOD FOR YOU. I am glad that you are confident but you aren't more "real" than the next women who wears cosmetics. Sorry to break it to you. The amount of makeup you don't wear does not represent your character. You may be more natural but your attitude and judgement of others is an uglier trait than the acne scars someone else is covering up. Now THAT is what is unattractive to men. And when women don't wear makeup or wear perfume, it doesn't mean they don't care about themselves.
I know it's impossible to get all women to stop attacking and judging one another but I just had to get this off my chest. I have seen it all my life and it has always bugged me. Especially in this day and age where material things seem to be more important than human beings. If you do not have an expensive car, designer clothes or other unnecessary stuff than you are not "normal". I don't know about you but I would rather be around people with morals and values than people who don't. I'd rather have a best friend with acne and a kind heart than one with beautiful skin and is a backstabber.
ALSO, I have noticed BW go out of their way to diss women of other races. You are making yourself look bad. You know how people think we are jealous of them? Well, that's how you look when you go out of your way to attack another woman. What's the point of going to a WW's youtube channel and saying that we BW age better? Who are you trying to convince? We know that our melanin affords us to look more youthful, there's no need to brag about it. The world can see our beauty, we don't need to shout it from the rooftop. The things that I have heard from WM who date BW is that not only do we stay youthful but we are more down to earth and humble than most women nowadays. Being humble is an attractive trait.The goal is to be confident in yourself, not bring other people down.
I think women do this because they have created standards and set of rules in their mind on how others should live their lives. They get on their pedestal and preach about how men like this or men don't like that or "women who do this are _____". In reality they aren't concerned at all about teaching or helping people improve their lives. They attach their body shape, skin condition, lack of plastic surgery or makeup or their relationship status to their self worth. Well, guess what? You are no better than the person who does the opposite.
I blog about femininity and feminine things. I have an interest in makeup, dating, romance, fitness, being a homemaker, etc but I don't dislike women who do not care about this. I believe we all have a place in this world and if we are all the same life would be terribly boring. That may sound corny but that's the way I was raised. The smallest ant is no less significant than a human being, we have our purpose in life. Our Creator made me a biological woman for a reason and I intend to embrace it as much as I can in this modern world that tries it's best to convince me that I'm wrong.
To the women, especially BW, if you feel you do not need makeup then GOOD FOR YOU. I am glad that you are confident but you aren't more "real" than the next women who wears cosmetics. Sorry to break it to you. The amount of makeup you don't wear does not represent your character. You may be more natural but your attitude and judgement of others is an uglier trait than the acne scars someone else is covering up. Now THAT is what is unattractive to men. And when women don't wear makeup or wear perfume, it doesn't mean they don't care about themselves.
I know it's impossible to get all women to stop attacking and judging one another but I just had to get this off my chest. I have seen it all my life and it has always bugged me. Especially in this day and age where material things seem to be more important than human beings. If you do not have an expensive car, designer clothes or other unnecessary stuff than you are not "normal". I don't know about you but I would rather be around people with morals and values than people who don't. I'd rather have a best friend with acne and a kind heart than one with beautiful skin and is a backstabber.
ALSO, I have noticed BW go out of their way to diss women of other races. You are making yourself look bad. You know how people think we are jealous of them? Well, that's how you look when you go out of your way to attack another woman. What's the point of going to a WW's youtube channel and saying that we BW age better? Who are you trying to convince? We know that our melanin affords us to look more youthful, there's no need to brag about it. The world can see our beauty, we don't need to shout it from the rooftop. The things that I have heard from WM who date BW is that not only do we stay youthful but we are more down to earth and humble than most women nowadays. Being humble is an attractive trait.The goal is to be confident in yourself, not bring other people down.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Feminine black teen guide
This post is for the younger crowd. Spend your teenage years to learn more about yourself as well as other people and things! I have compiled a list of things you should focus on that will help you form good habits, learn more about yourself, and other skills. Taking care of yourself in your teens will lead to a young adulthood with more opportunities, romance, friendships, financial abundance and fun. I want more black women to think about themselves and their future. Becoming a high-value woman doesn't start at the age of 18; there is a lot of prepping that women of other races do with their daughters that helps them become a well rounded individual that is successful in their career, education, social life and romantic life. The black community is not rooting for us black women so it's up to us that have been through it all to give advice to the younger ones. I'm in my 20s myself but I have been through it all and I mean ALL. One day I will share my story but for now I will list the things I did and suggest to young black girls who want a fabulous life and are ready to prepare for it.
1. Learn how to socialize and develop friendships. Learning how to talk to people and make friends is important to everyone but it doesn't come easy to some. There are some adults who don't know how to talk to people! Smiling, appearing approachable and friendly will help attract people to you but learning the art of conversation will take you far. Everyone needs friends but for women, having friends is extra important! Lol We need others to have a shoulder to cry on, to give you honest opinions, to laugh and talk with, to learn life lessons and seeing other points of view. I suggest making friends with a variety of people from different backgrounds, whether they are a different race, gender, social group, age or socio-economic status. People who are different from you in those ways (and more) offer fresh perspectives in life and teach you things. Here is a link to an article on how to strike up a conversation with someone you don't know:
How to start a conversation
*Making new friends is fun but be careful, not everyone is friendly and has your best interest at heart! Among young women, there is a lot of jealousy and backstabbing and bullying. Don't tell another person your innermost secrets, desires and dreams when you first meet them. Even if you have known them for years, it is best to keep some things to yourself.
Flirting is also a good skill to learn. Lol more on this in another post but for a teen you can definitely learn to flirt, talk to guys (around your age please) and just learn about guys in general.
There are many opportunities to become friends with guys, through church, school activities, volunteering, through friends, etc. I don't think having a boyfriend in high school is bad but since there a lot of things you should be doing to become a well rounded person, you may not have time. It is important to learn how to act around the opposite sex, though. I highly suggest not having sex because not only are teenage boys immature enough to tell everyone or even secretly videotape you (it's happened!) but there's a risk of STDs and pregnancy. Teenage boys can also be dangerous, there are some with mental issues and misogynistic views and they will rape you or spread rumors that you are a "slut" or a "whore". My pieces of advice regarding dating are:
1. Don't give it up! Guys respect things that they have to work for and if you just hand it to him he will leave you after or only keep you around for sex and date another girl who he can enjoy chasing.
2. Don't get too attached. Everyone you meet leaves an impression on you but dating isn't how it used to be. Guys in their teens aren't looking to get married. They just want to be around and with girls. There's a chance he could be your high school sweetheart and you'll be together forever but don't count on it. Have fun, flirt, laugh and joke together. Have your first kiss, go on dates and to school dances but don't expect a ring and don't believe him when he says he loves you. Some guys say this so you let your guard down and sleep with him but not all guys are bad. Some guys confuse like or lust with love and they think it's romantic to say those three words because they think that's what all girls want to hear.
3. Let him treat you nice. Let him open doors, pay for your lunch, carry your books, walk you home and buy you things. Some people say that guys aren't required to do this but I think it shows that he comes from a good family and has a very good upbringing. If he does these things, he probably has a good relationship with his mother and his father taught him to respect women. You want to get used to this type of guy so when you are older you know how to get along and be with a man who is respectful, kind and knows how to treat a lady. You don't want to be one of those jaded mistrustful women who gives a side-eye to a guy who brings you roses or rejects a well-mannered man because she thinks he's up to something.
4. Don't waste your time on a guy who only talks about sex, uses pick up lines or tells you what to wear/how to wear your hair, etc. These are red flags for boys who feel entitled to girls and are possibly controlling, abusive and extremely judgmental. How many guys have you met that boast loudly about the type of girl they want or like? Stay away from this type because chances are he sees you as an object and will get angry if you don't fit his expectations.
2. Learn how to drive. Get your license as soon as you can. Even if you don't have the money to get a car right away. The longer you have your license, the less insurance will cost you in the future. Plus, you never know when you will need it.
3. Focus on school. Not only will getting good grades help you get into college, be eligible for scholarships and help you get a part time job but there are also other benefits to being studious during your high school years. Good attendance, the ability to concentrate and juggle multiple things and completing projects by the deadline aren't things that are strictly for high school. All good jobs expect you to be able to do these things. High school isn't pointless; it prepares you for the real world, contrary to what some people say about it. Anyone who tells you that school isn't a big deal is probably someone who didn't do as good as they wanted to and is bitter or doesn't want a young black women to succeed. Ignore them. Students with good grades are respected by their peers and teachers. I made friends with many other hardworking and motivated students who continued to support and motivate me even after high school ended. It is good to be surrounded by people who also have goals! Don't be ashamed or afraid to go to the library during lunch or after school to get some work done because you will be surrounded by other people who want to get ahead in life. Also, teachers love students who care about their grades and will go above and beyond to help you with anything if they know that you are passionate about succeeding. My high school english teacher was the one who got me my first job!
Here is an article with tips to help you excel in school. I also like to watch youtube videos and read tumblr blogs by high school and college students regarding study tips, stress reduction and organization tips.
How to Excel in High School
4. Learn what colors and fashion styles look best on you. Your teen years are the best time to figure out what looks good on you because you have the freedom to look funny, a hot mess and try out new things LOL Dye your hair a new color, experiment with makeup, try a new fashion style, etc. Here are a few articles that should help. I highly suggest reading them and then going to a reputable hair stylist, personal shopper, and makeup artist. Even if you don't intend on spending a ton of money it is best to get advice in person because they will be able to tell you better than anyone online can. They are trained to know how to help people! As far as the personal shopper goes, they are mainly in high end places like fancy department stores and boutiques =/ I suggest acting like you are rebuilding your wardrobe, taking notes and leaving LOL they may be irritated that you wasted their time but that's the only way I can think of.
Your best colors
Your style
Your body shape
Fashion Tips for Beginners
5. Take care of your skin. Your teen years are probably the worst for the skin. Many girls suffer from excessive oiliness and acne. Plus, girls with dark skin tend to get hyperpigmentation (acne scarring). Acne scars are almost as bad as acne itself. Go to a dermatologist for topical or oral medication that will help but a skin care routine is important to. If you take medication for your skin then use products made for sensitive skin and that doesn't interfere with the medicine. If you prefer a less clinical approach, you may find supplements a good choice. You should talk to a doctor before you start but here are a few that I know work for sure:
-MSM
-Fish Oil
-Biotin
-Silica/Horsetail
Also, drink at least a liter of water a day. Wear sunscreen (yes, dark skin can get skin cancer too!) and wash your face before bed. Change your pillow cases every other night and use silk or satin pillowcases to prevent your skin from getting dry.
The basic skin care routine is a cleanser, toner and moisturizer. A cleanser's purpose is to clean off the sweat, dirt and grime from the environment. Choose a gentle one that has natural ingredients or one with the least amount of ingredients. Some people say that toners are useless and a good cleanser should enable you to not need one but they are just confused. A toner's job isn't to clean but to restore the skin's pH and help your skin absorb the nutrients that the moisturizer has. Black women have beautiful skin and should take good care of it. Black skin glistens in the sun and is the object of envy of a lot of people (they just won't admit it LOL). A daytime moisturizer should contain spf and a night time should contain ingredients that help the skin. Young ladies with acne should use one with salicylic acid, dry skin should contain moisturizing ingredients like vitamin E and normal skin can do without one but a basic one from like St. Ives shouldn't hurt. Also, once a week you should do a face mask to do a deep cleansing. They are very cheap and you can even google "DIY face mask" and make one from the ingredients from your fridge. A post on skin with further detail will come up soon.
7. Do volunteer work. Not only will this help you build an awesome resume but it will get you more involved in the community, expose you to new people and environments and also raise your self esteem. Knowing that you are capable of making a change in the world will make you feel better about yourself. You can also make connections for the future. Volunteering can help you get a good idea of what you might want to do as a career. A few ideas for where to volunteer:
-Hospital. There might be a gift shop, maternity ward or any clerical work that can be done by a young person.
-Humane Society/animal shelter. You'll learn how to take care of animals.
-Senior citizen living community. They will have you answering phones, help with recreational activities, etc.
-Real estate office.
-Summer camps
-Garden center/nursery
-Library
-Museum/Aquarium
-Theatre. My local theatre has volunteer ushers and they get to watch the play, ballet or concert for free!
Another pro for volunteering is that it will expose you to people that you wouldn't normally be in contact with. As a black teen, especially if you live in the inner city, it is important to know people who can help you for jobs and other opportunities, like housing and resources. There are lots of good jobs that don't get posted on job boards and windows because the employer doesn't want any ol' person applying and having to shift through hundreds of resumes and applications. Being connected to people who have connections, money and resources is important. For instance, I got my first non-fast food job because my volunteer supervisor's brother was a real estate broker and needed someone to organize his files. I had expressed my desire to leave the bagel place I was working at to my supervisor at the Humane Society and since she knew I was a good worker, responsible and kind, she referred me to her brother.
8. Find a new hobby. Hobbies release stress, are a great creative outlet and build your character. They also build your self esteem because you have something you enjoy and are good at. Hobbies also keep you from being bored. Boredom is dangerous. Bored teens are prone to depression, drugs, excessive alcohol consumption and loneliness.
Also, for the young ladies who are interested in swirling, getting involved in things that are outside the "black spectrum" will bring you around a more diverse crowd. Here are some examples:
-sports like golf, tennis, water-polo, swimming, surfing, lacrosse and horseback riding
-sewing, watercolor painting, ceramics
-theatre like plays and musicals. You can also learn about fine art and visit museums
-learn how to sing classical music and/opera
9.Learn a language. The world is your oyster, young black girl! You can go anywhere you want but it would be easier if you could understand other people and don't get lost, no? Lol most high schools offer language courses but there are also community college classes you can take. You can also rent cd's and dvd's from the local library. Some languages you may find useful are:
-Spanish. This should be a requirement for all Americans because the Latino community is growing at a fast rate and spanish is a language that a lot of employers want.
-French
-Italian
-Cantonese or Mandarin
-Japanese
-German
-Arabic
10. Find a part time job or start your own business. It's smart to start building your resume and get some money in your pocket. If you are involved in extracurricular activities and/ or volunteering then you may find it to be too much to get a job but it's doable. Many fast food and retail places hire 16 year olds so I suggest you start there. Also, you can babysit, clean houses, mow lawns and run errands (if you have a car). Get creative! You can turn your hobby into a money maker (photography skills, web design, dance competitions, tutoring, etc).
11. Take care of your body. While obesity affects people of all ethnicity and ages, it's imperative that young black women take care of their bodies! Being overweight puts you at risk of heart disease, diabetes and other diseases. A toned body will boost your self esteem and make you look better in clothes. From experience, I know that black girls are shamed for our bodies whether we are fat or skinny. Everything we do is ridiculed so body size and weight are sensitive subjects. I have nothing against fat girls, I just don't think it's anything to enable and is unattractive. I don't expect every woman to have the perfect hour glass shape, that's ridiculous. But I do want more young black women to eat healthy, exercise and watch their weight.
For the young swirlers, other races of men prefer slender bodies. The black community will tell you that real women have curves and that you don't need to lose weight. Don't listen! Having a big butt or a full chest isn't bad at all. In fact curves are beautiful! But you can have curves and be thin.
Zumba, martial arts, swimming, pilates, ballet are some ideas for fun ways to keep your health and body in good shape. Eat your vegetables raw or steamed; eat plenty of fruits; drink water and unsweetened green tea; eat candy, soda and carbs in moderation; and reduce stress as it can lead to weight gain believe it or not.
12. Open a bank account and save whatever money you get. Everyone needs a bank account, even if they aren't working. A little tip: Get an account with a credit union if you can. They have better policies and practices. Save at least 50% of your paychecks and get it directly deposited into your savings. The interest rates are low at the moment but you should save anyway. That way in the case of an emergency you don't have to depend on anyone. Also if you start saving when you are young, even only $20 a month, you will get into the habit of saving for the rest of your life. It is critical as a young black women to be smart with money because of the economy and how men and other races get paid more for doing the same work. That's very sad but that's the way it is. Trust me, a rainy day will come and you will be thankful that you were proactive.
13. Have fun! This guide may seem like a lot of responsibility but honestly, all of these things will be fun if you have the right attitude! See everything as an opportunity to learn and get to know yourself.
Keep a diary or journal and write about your experience and feelings. You will make many memories that you will be able to look back on and be proud that you gave yourself so much love and didn't let anything hold you back from living your life to the fullest. You can even start a blog or youtube channel and make new friends as well as some money. Enjoy your youth and make the most of it.
I hope you enjoyed this post and found it useful. If you have any questions, comments or any requests for upcoming posts, leave a comment down below. Thanks!
1. Learn how to socialize and develop friendships. Learning how to talk to people and make friends is important to everyone but it doesn't come easy to some. There are some adults who don't know how to talk to people! Smiling, appearing approachable and friendly will help attract people to you but learning the art of conversation will take you far. Everyone needs friends but for women, having friends is extra important! Lol We need others to have a shoulder to cry on, to give you honest opinions, to laugh and talk with, to learn life lessons and seeing other points of view. I suggest making friends with a variety of people from different backgrounds, whether they are a different race, gender, social group, age or socio-economic status. People who are different from you in those ways (and more) offer fresh perspectives in life and teach you things. Here is a link to an article on how to strike up a conversation with someone you don't know:
How to start a conversation
*Making new friends is fun but be careful, not everyone is friendly and has your best interest at heart! Among young women, there is a lot of jealousy and backstabbing and bullying. Don't tell another person your innermost secrets, desires and dreams when you first meet them. Even if you have known them for years, it is best to keep some things to yourself.
Flirting is also a good skill to learn. Lol more on this in another post but for a teen you can definitely learn to flirt, talk to guys (around your age please) and just learn about guys in general.
There are many opportunities to become friends with guys, through church, school activities, volunteering, through friends, etc. I don't think having a boyfriend in high school is bad but since there a lot of things you should be doing to become a well rounded person, you may not have time. It is important to learn how to act around the opposite sex, though. I highly suggest not having sex because not only are teenage boys immature enough to tell everyone or even secretly videotape you (it's happened!) but there's a risk of STDs and pregnancy. Teenage boys can also be dangerous, there are some with mental issues and misogynistic views and they will rape you or spread rumors that you are a "slut" or a "whore". My pieces of advice regarding dating are:
1. Don't give it up! Guys respect things that they have to work for and if you just hand it to him he will leave you after or only keep you around for sex and date another girl who he can enjoy chasing.
2. Don't get too attached. Everyone you meet leaves an impression on you but dating isn't how it used to be. Guys in their teens aren't looking to get married. They just want to be around and with girls. There's a chance he could be your high school sweetheart and you'll be together forever but don't count on it. Have fun, flirt, laugh and joke together. Have your first kiss, go on dates and to school dances but don't expect a ring and don't believe him when he says he loves you. Some guys say this so you let your guard down and sleep with him but not all guys are bad. Some guys confuse like or lust with love and they think it's romantic to say those three words because they think that's what all girls want to hear.
3. Let him treat you nice. Let him open doors, pay for your lunch, carry your books, walk you home and buy you things. Some people say that guys aren't required to do this but I think it shows that he comes from a good family and has a very good upbringing. If he does these things, he probably has a good relationship with his mother and his father taught him to respect women. You want to get used to this type of guy so when you are older you know how to get along and be with a man who is respectful, kind and knows how to treat a lady. You don't want to be one of those jaded mistrustful women who gives a side-eye to a guy who brings you roses or rejects a well-mannered man because she thinks he's up to something.
4. Don't waste your time on a guy who only talks about sex, uses pick up lines or tells you what to wear/how to wear your hair, etc. These are red flags for boys who feel entitled to girls and are possibly controlling, abusive and extremely judgmental. How many guys have you met that boast loudly about the type of girl they want or like? Stay away from this type because chances are he sees you as an object and will get angry if you don't fit his expectations.
2. Learn how to drive. Get your license as soon as you can. Even if you don't have the money to get a car right away. The longer you have your license, the less insurance will cost you in the future. Plus, you never know when you will need it.
3. Focus on school. Not only will getting good grades help you get into college, be eligible for scholarships and help you get a part time job but there are also other benefits to being studious during your high school years. Good attendance, the ability to concentrate and juggle multiple things and completing projects by the deadline aren't things that are strictly for high school. All good jobs expect you to be able to do these things. High school isn't pointless; it prepares you for the real world, contrary to what some people say about it. Anyone who tells you that school isn't a big deal is probably someone who didn't do as good as they wanted to and is bitter or doesn't want a young black women to succeed. Ignore them. Students with good grades are respected by their peers and teachers. I made friends with many other hardworking and motivated students who continued to support and motivate me even after high school ended. It is good to be surrounded by people who also have goals! Don't be ashamed or afraid to go to the library during lunch or after school to get some work done because you will be surrounded by other people who want to get ahead in life. Also, teachers love students who care about their grades and will go above and beyond to help you with anything if they know that you are passionate about succeeding. My high school english teacher was the one who got me my first job!
Here is an article with tips to help you excel in school. I also like to watch youtube videos and read tumblr blogs by high school and college students regarding study tips, stress reduction and organization tips.
How to Excel in High School
4. Learn what colors and fashion styles look best on you. Your teen years are the best time to figure out what looks good on you because you have the freedom to look funny, a hot mess and try out new things LOL Dye your hair a new color, experiment with makeup, try a new fashion style, etc. Here are a few articles that should help. I highly suggest reading them and then going to a reputable hair stylist, personal shopper, and makeup artist. Even if you don't intend on spending a ton of money it is best to get advice in person because they will be able to tell you better than anyone online can. They are trained to know how to help people! As far as the personal shopper goes, they are mainly in high end places like fancy department stores and boutiques =/ I suggest acting like you are rebuilding your wardrobe, taking notes and leaving LOL they may be irritated that you wasted their time but that's the only way I can think of.
Your best colors
Your style
Your body shape
Fashion Tips for Beginners
5. Take care of your skin. Your teen years are probably the worst for the skin. Many girls suffer from excessive oiliness and acne. Plus, girls with dark skin tend to get hyperpigmentation (acne scarring). Acne scars are almost as bad as acne itself. Go to a dermatologist for topical or oral medication that will help but a skin care routine is important to. If you take medication for your skin then use products made for sensitive skin and that doesn't interfere with the medicine. If you prefer a less clinical approach, you may find supplements a good choice. You should talk to a doctor before you start but here are a few that I know work for sure:
-MSM
-Fish Oil
-Biotin
-Silica/Horsetail
Also, drink at least a liter of water a day. Wear sunscreen (yes, dark skin can get skin cancer too!) and wash your face before bed. Change your pillow cases every other night and use silk or satin pillowcases to prevent your skin from getting dry.
The basic skin care routine is a cleanser, toner and moisturizer. A cleanser's purpose is to clean off the sweat, dirt and grime from the environment. Choose a gentle one that has natural ingredients or one with the least amount of ingredients. Some people say that toners are useless and a good cleanser should enable you to not need one but they are just confused. A toner's job isn't to clean but to restore the skin's pH and help your skin absorb the nutrients that the moisturizer has. Black women have beautiful skin and should take good care of it. Black skin glistens in the sun and is the object of envy of a lot of people (they just won't admit it LOL). A daytime moisturizer should contain spf and a night time should contain ingredients that help the skin. Young ladies with acne should use one with salicylic acid, dry skin should contain moisturizing ingredients like vitamin E and normal skin can do without one but a basic one from like St. Ives shouldn't hurt. Also, once a week you should do a face mask to do a deep cleansing. They are very cheap and you can even google "DIY face mask" and make one from the ingredients from your fridge. A post on skin with further detail will come up soon.
7. Do volunteer work. Not only will this help you build an awesome resume but it will get you more involved in the community, expose you to new people and environments and also raise your self esteem. Knowing that you are capable of making a change in the world will make you feel better about yourself. You can also make connections for the future. Volunteering can help you get a good idea of what you might want to do as a career. A few ideas for where to volunteer:
-Hospital. There might be a gift shop, maternity ward or any clerical work that can be done by a young person.
-Humane Society/animal shelter. You'll learn how to take care of animals.
-Senior citizen living community. They will have you answering phones, help with recreational activities, etc.
-Real estate office.
-Summer camps
-Garden center/nursery
-Library
-Museum/Aquarium
-Theatre. My local theatre has volunteer ushers and they get to watch the play, ballet or concert for free!
Another pro for volunteering is that it will expose you to people that you wouldn't normally be in contact with. As a black teen, especially if you live in the inner city, it is important to know people who can help you for jobs and other opportunities, like housing and resources. There are lots of good jobs that don't get posted on job boards and windows because the employer doesn't want any ol' person applying and having to shift through hundreds of resumes and applications. Being connected to people who have connections, money and resources is important. For instance, I got my first non-fast food job because my volunteer supervisor's brother was a real estate broker and needed someone to organize his files. I had expressed my desire to leave the bagel place I was working at to my supervisor at the Humane Society and since she knew I was a good worker, responsible and kind, she referred me to her brother.
8. Find a new hobby. Hobbies release stress, are a great creative outlet and build your character. They also build your self esteem because you have something you enjoy and are good at. Hobbies also keep you from being bored. Boredom is dangerous. Bored teens are prone to depression, drugs, excessive alcohol consumption and loneliness.
Also, for the young ladies who are interested in swirling, getting involved in things that are outside the "black spectrum" will bring you around a more diverse crowd. Here are some examples:
-sports like golf, tennis, water-polo, swimming, surfing, lacrosse and horseback riding
-sewing, watercolor painting, ceramics
-theatre like plays and musicals. You can also learn about fine art and visit museums
-learn how to sing classical music and/opera
9.Learn a language. The world is your oyster, young black girl! You can go anywhere you want but it would be easier if you could understand other people and don't get lost, no? Lol most high schools offer language courses but there are also community college classes you can take. You can also rent cd's and dvd's from the local library. Some languages you may find useful are:
-Spanish. This should be a requirement for all Americans because the Latino community is growing at a fast rate and spanish is a language that a lot of employers want.
-French
-Italian
-Cantonese or Mandarin
-Japanese
-German
-Arabic
10. Find a part time job or start your own business. It's smart to start building your resume and get some money in your pocket. If you are involved in extracurricular activities and/ or volunteering then you may find it to be too much to get a job but it's doable. Many fast food and retail places hire 16 year olds so I suggest you start there. Also, you can babysit, clean houses, mow lawns and run errands (if you have a car). Get creative! You can turn your hobby into a money maker (photography skills, web design, dance competitions, tutoring, etc).
11. Take care of your body. While obesity affects people of all ethnicity and ages, it's imperative that young black women take care of their bodies! Being overweight puts you at risk of heart disease, diabetes and other diseases. A toned body will boost your self esteem and make you look better in clothes. From experience, I know that black girls are shamed for our bodies whether we are fat or skinny. Everything we do is ridiculed so body size and weight are sensitive subjects. I have nothing against fat girls, I just don't think it's anything to enable and is unattractive. I don't expect every woman to have the perfect hour glass shape, that's ridiculous. But I do want more young black women to eat healthy, exercise and watch their weight.
For the young swirlers, other races of men prefer slender bodies. The black community will tell you that real women have curves and that you don't need to lose weight. Don't listen! Having a big butt or a full chest isn't bad at all. In fact curves are beautiful! But you can have curves and be thin.
Zumba, martial arts, swimming, pilates, ballet are some ideas for fun ways to keep your health and body in good shape. Eat your vegetables raw or steamed; eat plenty of fruits; drink water and unsweetened green tea; eat candy, soda and carbs in moderation; and reduce stress as it can lead to weight gain believe it or not.
12. Open a bank account and save whatever money you get. Everyone needs a bank account, even if they aren't working. A little tip: Get an account with a credit union if you can. They have better policies and practices. Save at least 50% of your paychecks and get it directly deposited into your savings. The interest rates are low at the moment but you should save anyway. That way in the case of an emergency you don't have to depend on anyone. Also if you start saving when you are young, even only $20 a month, you will get into the habit of saving for the rest of your life. It is critical as a young black women to be smart with money because of the economy and how men and other races get paid more for doing the same work. That's very sad but that's the way it is. Trust me, a rainy day will come and you will be thankful that you were proactive.
13. Have fun! This guide may seem like a lot of responsibility but honestly, all of these things will be fun if you have the right attitude! See everything as an opportunity to learn and get to know yourself.
Keep a diary or journal and write about your experience and feelings. You will make many memories that you will be able to look back on and be proud that you gave yourself so much love and didn't let anything hold you back from living your life to the fullest. You can even start a blog or youtube channel and make new friends as well as some money. Enjoy your youth and make the most of it.
I hope you enjoyed this post and found it useful. If you have any questions, comments or any requests for upcoming posts, leave a comment down below. Thanks!
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
First class treatment-Demanding respect
I have a series of posts called "FIRST CLASS TREATMENT". It's about demanding respect, repairing your image and attracting high quality men and friends. Here is the first installment.
Don't deny yourself first class treatment!
For the most part, people will treat you: 1) how you treat yourself or 2) how you let them.
Have you ever had an issue with someone treating you badly? Lying to you, stealing from you, saying rude, disrespectful things? Or even making empty promises?
Why do you think this person is acting this way? Could it be that they think you don't deserve respect? Could it be their personal problem, a reflection of the issues they have with themselves/the world? Are you telling them to treat you this way? I say it's all three!
How should you deal with said behavior?
According to the Law of Effect, the events following an action will weaken or strengthen the likelihood that it will occur again.
How does this play into the feminine Black woman's life? It's no secret that Black women have a reputation for allowing low-value, trifling men into our lives, our bank accounts, our wombs and our hearts. There are many reasons for this: low self esteem, ignorance about healthy relationships, mental illness, drug problems, little to no dating options (settling), low standards, etc. If we continue to allow this, we will be extinct. We will continue to be unhappy, unmarried women, single mothers and continue to be victims of domestic violence and even murder! Yes, murder. I know you've seen articles about Black women being killed by their partners or even their children being killed by partners. It's time for us to learn how to pick suitable mates. This involves identifying key patterns in falling prey to faulty men, dating techniques, education about domestic violence and how maintain a healthy relationship.
Let's start with acknowledging why some women allow men to treat them badly and how to stop it and attract better men (and friends).
Don't put up with destructive, disrespectful behavior!
Command respect by having displaying values, manners and expecting the same from people. When you don't set standards for the way you are to be treated, people will treat you however they wish. Some will be kind but others won't. There will be times when you have to deal with people and have no way around it, like at work.
If someone does or says something rude, bring it up. Explain to them that what they did offended you and how it made you feel but don't accuse them. People can get hostile if they feel like you are pointing a finger at them. A simple statement, such as "Hey___, that comment you made was in poor taste and it offended me. That's not very (professional, nice, insert adjective here)." Anyone with manners or a brain will realize that they messed up. That statements demands an apology and sometimes an explanation (if what they said wasn't meant to offend but just came out wrong instead). If they don't apologize, then you know this person is not someone to continue socializing with.
It's important to let someone know that you will not tolerate such behavior. It warns them that if they continue, they will lose you. You don't want to be around people who don't respect your boundaries. If you always turn the cheek, you will end up with a sore face! Believe me, I am very meek in nature and I've had many situations where I've learned how to stick up for myself.
Exude confidence through your body language.
Having good posture does more for you then make you look taller! Non-verbal signals also tell people how to react to you. Crossing you arms makes you look guarded, staring at the ground while you walk and talk makes you seem as though you think you don't deserve to look people in the eye (low confidence), fidgeting gives off the vibe that you are insecure or bored. How would people who don't know you react to this? They may be aggressive to you because your crossed arms will make it seem as though you are a defensive person.
Sometimes, we get nervous and give off these non-verbal signals on accident but it's important to fix this because you may be giving off clues on your self treatment and not even know it. Have a friend observe you in your natural state and give feedback on how you carry yourself and try to correct them. Google is your friend :)
Show people what is important to you by treating yourself like a princess.
Spending time and putting effort into the things that matter to you show people that you care about yourself and that it's important to you. People will know that they need to HONOR them. Calling sick into work or class to hang out with your friends will show them that your job is less important than having a good time with them. Eventually they will start disrespecting your responsibilities and even you! Stopping by late at night, interrupting your study time, etc. That's not what you want or deserve. Teach people how to treat you by treating yourself.
Stay tuned for more, princess. xoxo
______________________________________________________________
Don't deny yourself first class treatment!
For the most part, people will treat you: 1) how you treat yourself or 2) how you let them.
Have you ever had an issue with someone treating you badly? Lying to you, stealing from you, saying rude, disrespectful things? Or even making empty promises?
Why do you think this person is acting this way? Could it be that they think you don't deserve respect? Could it be their personal problem, a reflection of the issues they have with themselves/the world? Are you telling them to treat you this way? I say it's all three!
How should you deal with said behavior?
According to the Law of Effect, the events following an action will weaken or strengthen the likelihood that it will occur again.
How does this play into the feminine Black woman's life? It's no secret that Black women have a reputation for allowing low-value, trifling men into our lives, our bank accounts, our wombs and our hearts. There are many reasons for this: low self esteem, ignorance about healthy relationships, mental illness, drug problems, little to no dating options (settling), low standards, etc. If we continue to allow this, we will be extinct. We will continue to be unhappy, unmarried women, single mothers and continue to be victims of domestic violence and even murder! Yes, murder. I know you've seen articles about Black women being killed by their partners or even their children being killed by partners. It's time for us to learn how to pick suitable mates. This involves identifying key patterns in falling prey to faulty men, dating techniques, education about domestic violence and how maintain a healthy relationship.
Let's start with acknowledging why some women allow men to treat them badly and how to stop it and attract better men (and friends).
Don't put up with destructive, disrespectful behavior!
Command respect by having displaying values, manners and expecting the same from people. When you don't set standards for the way you are to be treated, people will treat you however they wish. Some will be kind but others won't. There will be times when you have to deal with people and have no way around it, like at work.
If someone does or says something rude, bring it up. Explain to them that what they did offended you and how it made you feel but don't accuse them. People can get hostile if they feel like you are pointing a finger at them. A simple statement, such as "Hey___, that comment you made was in poor taste and it offended me. That's not very (professional, nice, insert adjective here)." Anyone with manners or a brain will realize that they messed up. That statements demands an apology and sometimes an explanation (if what they said wasn't meant to offend but just came out wrong instead). If they don't apologize, then you know this person is not someone to continue socializing with.
It's important to let someone know that you will not tolerate such behavior. It warns them that if they continue, they will lose you. You don't want to be around people who don't respect your boundaries. If you always turn the cheek, you will end up with a sore face! Believe me, I am very meek in nature and I've had many situations where I've learned how to stick up for myself.
Exude confidence through your body language.
Having good posture does more for you then make you look taller! Non-verbal signals also tell people how to react to you. Crossing you arms makes you look guarded, staring at the ground while you walk and talk makes you seem as though you think you don't deserve to look people in the eye (low confidence), fidgeting gives off the vibe that you are insecure or bored. How would people who don't know you react to this? They may be aggressive to you because your crossed arms will make it seem as though you are a defensive person.
Sometimes, we get nervous and give off these non-verbal signals on accident but it's important to fix this because you may be giving off clues on your self treatment and not even know it. Have a friend observe you in your natural state and give feedback on how you carry yourself and try to correct them. Google is your friend :)
Show people what is important to you by treating yourself like a princess.
Spending time and putting effort into the things that matter to you show people that you care about yourself and that it's important to you. People will know that they need to HONOR them. Calling sick into work or class to hang out with your friends will show them that your job is less important than having a good time with them. Eventually they will start disrespecting your responsibilities and even you! Stopping by late at night, interrupting your study time, etc. That's not what you want or deserve. Teach people how to treat you by treating yourself.
Stay tuned for more, princess. xoxo
Small ways to boost your confidence
1. Identify your talents.
It doesn't matter what it is! I happen to be pretty good at cross stitching. I've mentioned this to someone and they called it "granny" but it's something I enjoy and that I'm good at. For every person who doesn't like what you do, there are many more who appreciate it and find it interesting.
2. Remind you of yourself.
Every morning, write something about yourself. It can be something big, like your worst fear or what you want most in life or something small like your favorite color or type of dog. Keep these thoughts in a journal and look back at them from time to time. Taking the time to acknowledge the things you care about make you feel like you matter, like you're a real person with thought, hope and dreams.
I started doing this two years ago. At first, I used various colors to write things and draw little cartoons to match. Now, I've upgraded to making images, sort of like memes. Things like this are all over the internet. Google "things I like" or "bucket list" or "things that make me smile" and you will find some done by people all over the world! It's amazing how much we can have in common with total strangers from completely different backgrounds, right? :)
3. Let go of the need to be accepted and loved by everyone.
Not only is it unrealistic but it's too much work and energy! There's a quote by a woman I admire for her femininity, Dita Von Teese
Aspiring to be loved by everyone requires you to constantly change yourself to fit a certain mold. That will cause you mental anguish and you will start to feel lost. After a while, you will begin to wonder "who am I?"
4. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made.
If you knew better, you'd do better. Put more effort into learning how to do better and less into making yourself feel guilty about mistakes that we ALL make. Noone is perfect.
5. Show gratitude.
Gratitude is the quality of being grateful and the readiness of showing appreciation. Being alive is something to be thankful for! Many people take this for granted and it is truly sad. Every day is an opportunity to appreciate this beautiful planet, your culture, other people's culture and everything else.
Speaking for myself, I am very grateful to be American. I was born into a family with lots of mental, drug, alcohol and poverty issues but I am grateful for the opportunity I had to get away from it all. There are resources upon resources in this country to turn your life around! Even though I believe there is a socio-economic and political system to keep certain groups of people in their place, there are still many ways to go from being poor to being middle class and even rich. Some people in countries aren't afforded these privileges :( That's why I'm grateful because I can recognize and be thankful for it. Not only that, but one day when I can afford it, I would like to give back and help people. That would definetly build my confidence-knowing I can make a difference in someone's life and seeing them smile!
Those are just a few tips I had jotted down in one of my many notebooks. If you have any confidence tips, please post them below and share. Thanks! xoxo
It doesn't matter what it is! I happen to be pretty good at cross stitching. I've mentioned this to someone and they called it "granny" but it's something I enjoy and that I'm good at. For every person who doesn't like what you do, there are many more who appreciate it and find it interesting.
2. Remind you of yourself.
Every morning, write something about yourself. It can be something big, like your worst fear or what you want most in life or something small like your favorite color or type of dog. Keep these thoughts in a journal and look back at them from time to time. Taking the time to acknowledge the things you care about make you feel like you matter, like you're a real person with thought, hope and dreams.
I started doing this two years ago. At first, I used various colors to write things and draw little cartoons to match. Now, I've upgraded to making images, sort of like memes. Things like this are all over the internet. Google "things I like" or "bucket list" or "things that make me smile" and you will find some done by people all over the world! It's amazing how much we can have in common with total strangers from completely different backgrounds, right? :)
3. Let go of the need to be accepted and loved by everyone.
Not only is it unrealistic but it's too much work and energy! There's a quote by a woman I admire for her femininity, Dita Von Teese
Aspiring to be loved by everyone requires you to constantly change yourself to fit a certain mold. That will cause you mental anguish and you will start to feel lost. After a while, you will begin to wonder "who am I?"
4. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made.
If you knew better, you'd do better. Put more effort into learning how to do better and less into making yourself feel guilty about mistakes that we ALL make. Noone is perfect.
5. Show gratitude.
Gratitude is the quality of being grateful and the readiness of showing appreciation. Being alive is something to be thankful for! Many people take this for granted and it is truly sad. Every day is an opportunity to appreciate this beautiful planet, your culture, other people's culture and everything else.
Speaking for myself, I am very grateful to be American. I was born into a family with lots of mental, drug, alcohol and poverty issues but I am grateful for the opportunity I had to get away from it all. There are resources upon resources in this country to turn your life around! Even though I believe there is a socio-economic and political system to keep certain groups of people in their place, there are still many ways to go from being poor to being middle class and even rich. Some people in countries aren't afforded these privileges :( That's why I'm grateful because I can recognize and be thankful for it. Not only that, but one day when I can afford it, I would like to give back and help people. That would definetly build my confidence-knowing I can make a difference in someone's life and seeing them smile!
Those are just a few tips I had jotted down in one of my many notebooks. If you have any confidence tips, please post them below and share. Thanks! xoxo
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