A note about "swirling" and dating in general

This quarter was very intense and that is why I update so sporadically. I can't promise to post more often but I will be spending spring break making posts and hopefully put them on a posting schedule. I don't want to come across insensitive or lacking in empathy but I have something that I would like to have a conversation about something:

There is an article of a BW moaning about having a hard time dating online. She sounded depressed, disappointed and insecure that she had no luck. While I feel bad that she is having a hard time, I am kind of annoyed with articles like this because they make us BW look desperate and it doesn't solve anything! What is the point? To make people feel bad enough for you to date you? And this isn't the only one either. I see it all the time on tumblr. BW whining about being unwanted and sometimes disrespected while searching for a partner. Now I can empathize with some of these girls because I know how hard it was to find a suitable partner. I'm not going to sugar coat things. Dating in general is hard but swirling is even harder because not only do you have to vet out the users, cheaters and abusers but also the undercover racists, men with fetishes or the ones who just want to experiment or use BW as a back up plan. Do you know what is more unattractive than a woman who is morbidly obese, crude or boring? An insecure woman with a victim complex who is going to bitch and moan over something that can be changed. Am I saying this is all her fault? No! I'm saying that it makes you look bad to complain on a public platform about something that happens to thousands of women every day. Learn how to accept rejection and move on. See what you could do differently and take another approach to reach your goal. Online dating not working out? Try actually leaving your home. My friends and I had more successful love lives when we got off the computer and into actual settings that put us in the position to mingle with high-quality men.

The thing is, people are watching and paying attention. They are noticing that not only are BW opening up their dating options (a good thing) but some are desperate enough to accept anything that's not black (every seen a single black mom with a swarm of mixed-race babies and no ring?). I saw it myself years ago when I joined an online dating website after being stationed at a new base. This guy wrote on his profile that he is not worried about having to put up with a WW's bullshit because knows there are many many asian and black women who are at his beck-and-call. *eye roll* I've also been approached by an underemployed man with bad hygiene who expected me to just give him a chance because most BW never marry anyway and he's "willing" to date me. LMFAO! I just giggled and acted like he never said it. So because there's a chance that we never marry that we are supposed to lower our standards? Heck no...

Dating, unfortunately, is a game. A hard game and it takes a lot of research, practicing and strategy to master it. Everyone faces rejection in one way or another. As BW, who some see as the bottom of the totem pole, rejection is inevitable. Some people are downright cruel. I found a fitness forum that had a "general discussion" section and a recent thread was of a young WM asking ppl what to put in his free dating profile so that BW would stop sending him messages. Do you know what the responses were? To be as cruel and nasty as he wanted to be to these women because they are over stepping a boundary that shouldn't be crossed. How dare they think they are good enough for him! Why should he date a girl who's hair he couldn't even run his hands through? He even posted screenshots of the messages he got (which weren't inappropriate or strange, just regular friendly/flirty) and they all laughed at them and even decided to make accounts just to troll these women. SMH it made me furious! But then I reminded myself that this is the internet, where people show their hidden colors.  Now I don't think all non-BM are racist and cruel but I just don't want young BW to think that because a few BW celebrities successfully swirled that it is easy-peasy. In fact, you may find that you find a suitable BM to be courted by and marry! You never know!

As much as I advocate for BW to expand their dating options, I want BW to be realistic. Swirling is not all rainbows and lollipops and it is not for everyone. This is America. Racism and prejudice is America's theme. Non-BM are not magical unicorns, they can be DBR's too. It may take years, moving into a new city, total life makeover etc. before you meet a potential partner but if you put in effort, you will reap the rewards. And that works for every aspect of your life. It helps immensely to learn to take things in stride, learn how to play the game and be strategic. Here are a few tips I have:

-don't send out messages. Let the men come to you. Focus on writing a nice profile that doesn't give out too much info about you, having attractive photos that not only show off your face but your fit body in an appropriate way (in a classy cocktail dress or gown, a flowing skirt) and know how to come across as mysterious and not spill the beans.

-don't go back and forth too much. Don't let him make you a message-buddy, a woman he only talks to when he's bored. If he doesn't ask you out within 10 messages, stop responding until he actually asks you out on a real date to a real place, not his couch to watch netflix and "get to know each other", which is code for "find out if you are easy to get into bed" All the women I know who have accepted such dates ended up being seduced Lol.

-don't say anything in your profile that bashes BM, it's unattractive and immature because it shows that you have baggage. Nothing like "I am into interracial dating only so if you aren't  ____ don't bother" or "I'm don't date BM because they think they are better than me" (I've seen this one lol) or anything like that. Just ignore the messages you get from men you aren't interested in and that goes for other things like men of a certain age group, in a certain work field, etc. There are other ways to let men know you are down with the swirl. I personally used to put that I have traveled extensively and am learning multiple languages and would like to meet someone who has is as well. Believe it or not that pretty much narrowed it down to WM and AM who were adventurous, had a degree and were comfortable career-wise (it's probably because you have to be financially stable to travel a lot). Which brings me to my next point:

-the best places to meet men are in places that go with travelling, money, business and science. By that I mean airports, high end lounges in airports or hotels, banks, auctions, science conventions etc. I actually got a part time job while in the military at an airport lounge as a cocktail waitress and I met my ex-bf there. He was a med-school student from the East Coast who was on his way to a residency interview. He gave me his business card and I never called him. He actually came back to the lounge before going home to chat me up. I acted like I never said I would call him, I flirted and smiled, had a fun convo like nothing ever happened. I said I would keep in contact but I didn't because I wanted to see if he was the type of guy to go after what he wanted and I was right. He actually called my job one weekend and asked my manager if he could speak to me! He came back for residency the next fall and we started dating. He ended up being a sweetheart and spoiled me so rotten. It was a nice change from the wanna-be Eminem's I dated in high school! Yep, stay away from the Malibu's Most Wanted types, sistas, they are nothing but immature losers that have absorbed the bad part of Black Culture via disgusting rap music.

-Don't date when you are desperately lonely. I think it's understandable to want some romance in your life but loneliness is easy to spot and can make you a target for users and abusers. Don't respond to online messages during the weekends, that's just telling them that you don't have anything to fill your precious time with. Wait until the weekend is over and respond. Don't apologize and be like :"sorry I was so busy I had to ____ and then I ___" You have nothing to apologize for (you don't owe him anything) and it's none of his business what you did that weekend. If he wanted to know he would ask ;) There are men out there who love lonely women because they are easy to take advantage of sexually, financially and emotionally. These are the type of men who will exploit you emotionally and convince you to do things like put things he wants in your name and mess up your credit LOL It is best to start dating when you already have some things going on such as work, running your business, school, etc. That way, you won't have the time or energy to fret over every little thing. You won't over a text that wasn't responded to right away or feel insecure if he is out getting to know someone else. Confidence will enable you to not care about these things because you will know that you are high quality yourself and if he knows what's good for him he will make an effort to get to know such a creature ;) I also suggest you date more than one guy at once. By dating I mean letting him take you out, getting to know each other by talking on the phone (instead of endless text conversations) or in person. This keeps you from settling with a guy because he was your only option at the time.

-Notice that I didn't say anything about sex? Since you will be getting courted by more than one guy, you shouldn't be having sex until you know who you want to be with exclusively. Now I have brought this up in real life before and it made some women mad. How dare I advise not to sleep with a man soon after meeting him! Why does this upset people so much? I'm not saying there's a timeline to when you should sleep with a guy as everyone has different comfort levels. I'm saying it's not wise to sleep with a man very soon, especially if you are dating more than one (as you should). Us women are emotional creatures and whether we like it or not, sex is more than just sex. We absorb the other person's feelings for us. If you start a sexual relationship with a man right away how do you know that you really want to be with him or if you are just infatuated because he is good in bed? It's best to think logically and make sure that he actually lives up to your standards before you give your body to him. Ideally the man will be looking for a partner/relationship and more than just sex so it won't bug him to actually get to know you first. In fact, you shouldn't be seeing him in places that aren't in public until you know if he is looking for a real relationship with you. Until then keep it PG and do normal things like wine tasting, sight seeing, going to the boardwalk, movies, art exhibits, etc.

Those are just some things that I thought I would share. This post was really random but I see that a lot of BW (at least online) are lost when it comes to the dating world. In a nutshell: toss those rejections aside like they never happened, continue learning about man-women relationship dynamics and improving yourself, research and follow "The Rules" (a book), and don't focus on your failures/bad experiences. Everyone has them and it's best not to showcase your woe-is-me attitude to the world because it is pointless and solves nothing.

Until next time,
xoxo

Learning Confidence: A journey for young black girls

Over the holidays I received an email from the sweetest high school student. She emailed me introducing herself and can I say that I have second-hand pride from the words she wrote!? She's 16, a high school student, also college student and has an interest in raising her self esteem. She has the drive, intelligence and motivation to go very far in life. I love hearing about young black girls who have so much potential!

Anyway, she mentioned being walked on by people, both friends and boys and wants some info on how to raise her self esteem after years of that. I completely understand and I will add that I know how frustrating it is when people tell black women that we need to "get ourselves together" and stop being so insecure", etc. and then say something vague like "if you knew better you do better", "black women STAY losing", etc. This kind of delivery makes the message seem like it's not so much "You need to raise your self esteem" and more "I do not like/value you" and they are trying to justify it by making it your fault. The reason I say that is because when you like/want someone and want to give constructive criticism won't you be respectful, empathetic and kind? It takes more than just "don't talk to people like that" or "like attracts like, so it must be something you're doing that's attracting people like that". (That second statement has some truth to it but I will get into that in another post I have drafted up)

While trying to respond to her I kept thinking back to when I was her age and I had low self esteem and what I did to change it. It took a long time for me to change my way of thinking and IT WILL TAKE YOU SOME TIME AS WELL. Think about it, how did you start to dislike things about you? We aren't born with low self esteem. We aren't born thinking our bodies aren't beautiful or our skin is too dark or our hobbies are meaningless. We were programmed at young ages to dislike ourselves and conform to what the black community wants us to be! Yes, relaxing black girls hair at a young age, the little lightskin/dark skin references, jokes about "african" features all play a part in our perception of what standards we need to hold ourselves to. What kind of community considers light skin, thin nose and light eyes as the standard of beauty when the majority of women don't have those features? A messed up one, that's what!

What is the answer to this programming? Well, it is to deprogram! Yes, 2015 is the year of deprogramming. You didn't develop low self esteem in five easy steps so you can't raise it in five easy steps lol so instead of doing one post on how to be more confident I am going to post about all the things that affect your self esteem and what to do about it.

This entire year is going to be about purging self-depreciating thoughts, bad habits, bad friends, bad men, etc. The goal is for us to be OVER IT. The first step is purging. Don't you routinely go through your fridge, beauty products and purse to get rid of things that are no longer useful or have no purpose to you anymore? Well don't you think it's time to do that to your life!!? To purge is to rid yourself of all things that are dysfunctional and destructive. I want you to do this:

-Go into your iTunes and delete ALL rap and hiphop music. ALL of it!

-Also delete depressing music of all genres. The R&B songs that are begging a lying, cheating man to come back to them, the whining songs about love and just anything that screams "woe is me"

-Go into your facebook and stop following (or unfriend, your choice) people who post things like girl fights, twerking videos, racism statuses, woman-bashing statuses, anti-bw statuses, etc.

-Stay off of sites like nowaygirl, worldstar, basically anything that showcases BW in the worst light

-Distance yourself from people who continue to make bad life decisions. No one is perfect but people who continue to make horrible life decisions need more help than any friend can give (therapy). This sounds mean but I distanced myself from my single mother friends. We are still cool but I got sick of being put down by people who felt like they had the right to say things like "being a single mommy is so hard. You don't know what it's like to struggle. I can't wait until you have kids and you'll be this tired/irritated/depressed. You're lucky". Nooo I'm not lucky, I'm smart. I know how to use birth control. And then turn around and ask me to babysit or lend them money. I may come across elitist sometimes but I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I just have high standards for myself and don't let people put me down in any way, shape or form and I highly suggest you start practicing this as well. Don't let backhanded compliments slide and don't let people bring you down with them. Don't let your broke friends treat you like an atm. If they need something, take them to the food bank. If they don't have a job, keep an eye out for always put yourselves first. If they really love you AND themselves they will appreciate it in the long run. Trust me.

-Get rid of books written by Steve Harvey or any dating books that aren't written by women

-Get rid of your Tyler Perry Collection

-Get rid of those "ghetto" or "hood literature" books about crime, stripping, drugs, dysfunctional "black love" relationships and/or gold digging (if you want to marry a well-to-do/financially stable man I can post about that, just don't read these ratchet books)

-Cut off toxic people. If you know someone who is always telling you your ideas/opinions are invalid, tries to sabotage you, is not interested in self-improvement at all, distance yourself away. They could be a good person but they don't need to be that close to you because once you accomplish your goals and make more, they will try to guilt you into not accomplishing more. "You're going for another job? There are people out there who need it more than you do! Don't be greedy!", "those degrees won't keep you warm at night, let me hook you up with my cousin ray ray who just got out of jail and needs a woman", "you're standards are too high, no guy will live up to them especially for a black woman. Educated men don't like black women because _____" or anything like that.

-Make a list of the things you like about yourself, pick a cute font and pretty colors and add a background to it. For instance, "I am trustworthy and an awesome friend" over a background of a beautiful beach or a basket of kittens. Tape these papers around your room where you can see them everyday.

-Make a list of things you dislike about yourself and read it out loud. Does it sound harsh? Are you being too hard on yourself? If someone pointed these things out to you, would it hurt your feelings? If yes, then you shouldn't be telling them to yourself :) Rewrite the phrases and come up with a plan. Instead of "I hate my acne and I'm antisocial" write down "I will be more confident with clear skin and a social life". Then think about what you can do to change these things. For instance, you might get rid of your skin care products and do research on ones that will work. Instead of wishing you had more friends, you can actually put in the effort to meet people. Be more talkative in class, join a meet-up group or a book club at your library.

Stay tuned for part 2! Thank you for reading.

xoxo

Being an Angry BW is understandable but don't let it take over your life!

Why are BW angry? How we can stop being angry?

Short answer: We are the victims of racism and sexism. We can stop being angry by not giving a f&*k! LOL

First, let's define anger. Anger is an emotional response to one's psychological interpretation of feeling threatened. Anger is based upon projection of fear.

Feeling threatened as a BW is completely understandable seeing as how we face discrimination from both racists and sexists. We have the unique experience of being Black and a woman. The women who march, protest and rally for Black male victims of violent racism are the women who focus only on racism; they do not see or care that they face sexism from the very same men who they risk their lives protecting. These women do not see how these very same men are the ones who do not protect them when they are victims of racism, too. They believe that if there were no racism then their lives would be easier but that is not the case. They still would be oppressed because they are women. They refuse to accept the fact that we are not the preference of “our” men . They refuse to see that the modern BM's response to racism is not to rebuild the community and be self-sufficient, but to get revenge on the WM who oppress them and the BW who failed to raise them to be real men.

BW are not bitter, we are disappointed. Modern BM are the bitter ones. They punish women who remind them of their mother because they blame her for failing to raise him and teach him how to be on level with WM, AM and HM. He knows that he can't compete so instead of improving himself and encouraging other BM to do the same, he resents his own mother instead of his absent father (isn't that funny?). The ultimate revenge for him is to “steal” a WW, AW or HW from their men who show him up in every way and try to “taint” that women and produce children that are half him. It's all a game to get revenge but instead of hurting WM, he is entertaining them. Every other race is laughing at his desperate attempt to get even instead of get on par. If BP back in the day had continued to build up Black America instead of integrate with White America, the BC wouldn't be in the state it is now.

Black women are angry because we are intelligent. We see the world for what it is and deep inside we know what the BM's agenda is. We handle this higher awareness by becoming angry. We stew in the anger and turn it inward, that's when it becomes depression, low-self esteem and other self-destructive behavior.

What should we do about anger? Get rid of the self-destructive habits that are caused by anger but keep enough (a small amount) to fuel the spirit to do better! Turn the disappointment from the BC into motivation to improve our lives. Not just your own life but for our daughters, nieces, sisters, friends and neighbors. I don't expect every BW to jump on board as we have been brainwashed to hate ourselves, thus some of us hate each other. I have hate in my heart for NO ONE but I saw the world, especially the BC for what it is at a VERY young age.

Here are some tips for letting go of anger:

1. Acknowledge it
2. Seek help. I'm a big believer in therapy.
3. Channel it. Not only will exercise help you mentally but physically as well. Same with creative outlets like writing poetry and singing.
4. Decide that you don't want to add hate to this world.
5. Replace revenge and seeking justice with a plan to strive for a better life.

BW need to concentrate less on the negative things about us on the tv, radio and social media. Purge your life from the bull crap! What do you think WW, AW and HW do when they read a negative article or blogpost or someone makes a joke about them? Brush it off and keep doing them. They know they are desired and work on themselves to get the best in education, jobs and men. BW should do the same. We are desired, too. Men of all races love them some sistas, don't let butthurt BM or mammies tell you any different. You may have to move to Europe or change your whereabouts (move to a more populated places like NYC or London, get a job in a male-dominated field, hang out in social hangouts that you normally wouldn't) but there are men out there who not only like BW but prefer us. The next time a comedian makes a joke about BW, do not get riled up and give your energy to this fool! Make a note to make sure not to give this person your resources (time and money) and keep it moving. Let the BM spend his time fighting racism and let the white feminists spend their time fighting sexism. Both these groups have proven that they don't care about BW so forget them! You've got better things to do sista! Like building a fabulous life and enjoying the fruit of your labor and social climbing ;)

From now on, I want you to pledge to yourself that you will dedicate your time to things that are beneficial to your emotional, mental, financial, education and romantic well-being. Despite what you may have heard, BW are naturally beautiful, feminine, intelligent, sexy and creative. We deserve better but to get better we must learn how to respect and love ourselves.

Here is a list of what I will be concentrating on. I'd like for you to take a look at it and come up with your own list of what you'd like to do with all the free time that you have now.

1. Obtaining an advanced degree.
2. Visiting at least 4 more countries.
3. Having a fun and memorable wedding.
4. Losing weight.
5. Finishing the list of books I want to read.
6. Becoming more cultured.
7. Starting a non-profit.
8. Creating multiple streams of income.
9. Buying my first house.
10. Expanding my skill set for access to better jobs and more opportunities for side businesses.
11. Learning a third or fourth language.
12. Improving my water color painting skills.
13. Blogging.
14. Building a fabulous wardrobe.
15. Learning more about fashion and making my own clothing.
16. Growing my hair to waist length.
17. Publish my own cookbook.

If you have any questions or comments, leave a comment below and I will get back to you. I can also be reached at enlightenedfemme (at) gmail.com

First class treatment-Demanding respect

I have a series of posts called "FIRST CLASS TREATMENT". It's about demanding respect, repairing your image and attracting high quality men and friends. Here is the first installment.

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Don't deny yourself first class treatment!

For the most part, people will treat you: 1) how you treat yourself or 2) how you let them.

Have you ever had an issue with someone treating you badly? Lying to you, stealing from you, saying rude, disrespectful things? Or even making empty promises?

Why do you think this person is acting this way? Could it be that they think you don't deserve respect? Could it be their personal problem, a reflection of the issues they have with themselves/the world? Are you telling them to treat you this way? I say it's all three!

How should you deal with said behavior?

According to the Law of Effect, the events following an action will weaken or strengthen the likelihood that it will occur again.

How does this play into the feminine Black woman's life? It's no secret that Black women have a reputation for allowing low-value, trifling men into our lives, our bank accounts, our wombs and our hearts. There are many reasons for this: low self esteem, ignorance about healthy relationships, mental illness, drug problems, little to no dating options (settling), low standards, etc. If we continue to allow this, we will be extinct. We will continue to be unhappy, unmarried women, single mothers and continue to be victims of domestic violence and even murder! Yes, murder. I know you've seen articles about Black women being killed by their partners or even their children being killed by partners. It's time for us to learn how to pick suitable mates. This involves identifying key patterns in falling prey to faulty men, dating techniques, education about domestic violence and how maintain a healthy relationship.

Let's start with acknowledging why some women allow men to treat them badly and how to stop it and attract better men (and friends).

Don't put up with destructive, disrespectful behavior!
Command respect by having displaying values, manners and expecting the same from people. When you don't set standards for the way you are to be treated, people will treat you however they wish. Some will be kind but others won't. There will be times when you have to deal with people and have no way around it, like at work.

If someone does or says something rude, bring it up. Explain to them that what they did offended you and how it made you feel but don't accuse them. People can get hostile if they feel like you are pointing a finger at them. A simple statement, such as "Hey___, that comment you made was in poor taste and it offended me. That's not very (professional, nice, insert adjective here)." Anyone with manners or a brain will realize that they messed up. That statements demands an apology and sometimes an explanation (if what they said wasn't meant to offend but just came out wrong instead). If they don't apologize, then you know this person is not someone to continue socializing with.

It's important to let someone know that you will not tolerate such behavior. It warns them that if they continue, they will lose you. You don't want to be around people who don't respect your boundaries. If you always turn the cheek, you will end up with a sore face! Believe me, I am very meek in nature and I've had many situations where I've learned how to stick up for myself.

Exude confidence through your body language.
Having good posture does more for you then make you look taller! Non-verbal signals also tell people how to react to you. Crossing you arms makes you look guarded, staring at the ground while you walk and talk makes you seem as though you think you don't deserve to look people in the eye (low confidence), fidgeting gives off the vibe that you are insecure or bored. How would people who don't know you react to this? They may be aggressive to you because your crossed arms will make it seem as though you are a defensive person.

Sometimes, we get nervous and give off these non-verbal signals on accident but it's important to fix this because you may be giving off clues on your self treatment and not even know it. Have a friend observe you in your natural state and give feedback on how you carry yourself and try to correct them. Google is your friend :)

Show people what is important to you by treating yourself like a princess.
Spending time and putting effort into the things that matter to you show people that you care about yourself and that it's important to you. People will know that they need to HONOR them. Calling sick into work or class to hang out with your friends will show them that your job is less important than having a good time with them. Eventually they will start disrespecting your responsibilities and even you! Stopping by late at night, interrupting your study time, etc. That's not what you want or deserve. Teach people how to treat you by treating yourself.


Stay tuned for more, princess. xoxo