This quarter was very intense and that is why I update so sporadically. I can't promise to post more often but I will be spending spring break making posts and hopefully put them on a posting schedule. I don't want to come across insensitive or lacking in empathy but I have something that I would like to have a conversation about something:
There is an article of a BW moaning about having a hard time dating online. She sounded depressed, disappointed and insecure that she had no luck. While I feel bad that she is having a hard time, I am kind of annoyed with articles like this because they make us BW look desperate and it doesn't solve anything! What is the point? To make people feel bad enough for you to date you? And this isn't the only one either. I see it all the time on tumblr. BW whining about being unwanted and sometimes disrespected while searching for a partner. Now I can empathize with some of these girls because I know how hard it was to find a suitable partner. I'm not going to sugar coat things. Dating in general is hard but swirling is even harder because not only do you have to vet out the users, cheaters and abusers but also the undercover racists, men with fetishes or the ones who just want to experiment or use BW as a back up plan. Do you know what is more unattractive than a woman who is morbidly obese, crude or boring? An insecure woman with a victim complex who is going to bitch and moan over something that can be changed. Am I saying this is all her fault? No! I'm saying that it makes you look bad to complain on a public platform about something that happens to thousands of women every day. Learn how to accept rejection and move on. See what you could do differently and take another approach to reach your goal. Online dating not working out? Try actually leaving your home. My friends and I had more successful love lives when we got off the computer and into actual settings that put us in the position to mingle with high-quality men.
The thing is, people are watching and paying attention. They are noticing that not only are BW opening up their dating options (a good thing) but some are desperate enough to accept anything that's not black (every seen a single black mom with a swarm of mixed-race babies and no ring?). I saw it myself years ago when I joined an online dating website after being stationed at a new base. This guy wrote on his profile that he is not worried about having to put up with a WW's bullshit because knows there are many many asian and black women who are at his beck-and-call. *eye roll* I've also been approached by an underemployed man with bad hygiene who expected me to just give him a chance because most BW never marry anyway and he's "willing" to date me. LMFAO! I just giggled and acted like he never said it. So because there's a chance that we never marry that we are supposed to lower our standards? Heck no...
Dating, unfortunately, is a game. A hard game and it takes a lot of research, practicing and strategy to master it. Everyone faces rejection in one way or another. As BW, who some see as the bottom of the totem pole, rejection is inevitable. Some people are downright cruel. I found a fitness forum that had a "general discussion" section and a recent thread was of a young WM asking ppl what to put in his free dating profile so that BW would stop sending him messages. Do you know what the responses were? To be as cruel and nasty as he wanted to be to these women because they are over stepping a boundary that shouldn't be crossed. How dare they think they are good enough for him! Why should he date a girl who's hair he couldn't even run his hands through? He even posted screenshots of the messages he got (which weren't inappropriate or strange, just regular friendly/flirty) and they all laughed at them and even decided to make accounts just to troll these women. SMH it made me furious! But then I reminded myself that this is the internet, where people show their hidden colors. Now I don't think all non-BM are racist and cruel but I just don't want young BW to think that because a few BW celebrities successfully swirled that it is easy-peasy. In fact, you may find that you find a suitable BM to be courted by and marry! You never know!
As much as I advocate for BW to expand their dating options, I want BW to be realistic. Swirling is not all rainbows and lollipops and it is not for everyone. This is America. Racism and prejudice is America's theme. Non-BM are not magical unicorns, they can be DBR's too. It may take years, moving into a new city, total life makeover etc. before you meet a potential partner but if you put in effort, you will reap the rewards. And that works for every aspect of your life. It helps immensely to learn to take things in stride, learn how to play the game and be strategic. Here are a few tips I have:
-don't send out messages. Let the men come to you. Focus on writing a nice profile that doesn't give out too much info about you, having attractive photos that not only show off your face but your fit body in an appropriate way (in a classy cocktail dress or gown, a flowing skirt) and know how to come across as mysterious and not spill the beans.
-don't go back and forth too much. Don't let him make you a message-buddy, a woman he only talks to when he's bored. If he doesn't ask you out within 10 messages, stop responding until he actually asks you out on a real date to a real place, not his couch to watch netflix and "get to know each other", which is code for "find out if you are easy to get into bed" All the women I know who have accepted such dates ended up being seduced Lol.
-don't say anything in your profile that bashes BM, it's unattractive and immature because it shows that you have baggage. Nothing like "I am into interracial dating only so if you aren't ____ don't bother" or "I'm don't date BM because they think they are better than me" (I've seen this one lol) or anything like that. Just ignore the messages you get from men you aren't interested in and that goes for other things like men of a certain age group, in a certain work field, etc. There are other ways to let men know you are down with the swirl. I personally used to put that I have traveled extensively and am learning multiple languages and would like to meet someone who has is as well. Believe it or not that pretty much narrowed it down to WM and AM who were adventurous, had a degree and were comfortable career-wise (it's probably because you have to be financially stable to travel a lot). Which brings me to my next point:
-the best places to meet men are in places that go with travelling, money, business and science. By that I mean airports, high end lounges in airports or hotels, banks, auctions, science conventions etc. I actually got a part time job while in the military at an airport lounge as a cocktail waitress and I met my ex-bf there. He was a med-school student from the East Coast who was on his way to a residency interview. He gave me his business card and I never called him. He actually came back to the lounge before going home to chat me up. I acted like I never said I would call him, I flirted and smiled, had a fun convo like nothing ever happened. I said I would keep in contact but I didn't because I wanted to see if he was the type of guy to go after what he wanted and I was right. He actually called my job one weekend and asked my manager if he could speak to me! He came back for residency the next fall and we started dating. He ended up being a sweetheart and spoiled me so rotten. It was a nice change from the wanna-be Eminem's I dated in high school! Yep, stay away from the Malibu's Most Wanted types, sistas, they are nothing but immature losers that have absorbed the bad part of Black Culture via disgusting rap music.
-Don't date when you are desperately lonely. I think it's understandable to want some romance in your life but loneliness is easy to spot and can make you a target for users and abusers. Don't respond to online messages during the weekends, that's just telling them that you don't have anything to fill your precious time with. Wait until the weekend is over and respond. Don't apologize and be like :"sorry I was so busy I had to ____ and then I ___" You have nothing to apologize for (you don't owe him anything) and it's none of his business what you did that weekend. If he wanted to know he would ask ;) There are men out there who love lonely women because they are easy to take advantage of sexually, financially and emotionally. These are the type of men who will exploit you emotionally and convince you to do things like put things he wants in your name and mess up your credit LOL It is best to start dating when you already have some things going on such as work, running your business, school, etc. That way, you won't have the time or energy to fret over every little thing. You won't over a text that wasn't responded to right away or feel insecure if he is out getting to know someone else. Confidence will enable you to not care about these things because you will know that you are high quality yourself and if he knows what's good for him he will make an effort to get to know such a creature ;) I also suggest you date more than one guy at once. By dating I mean letting him take you out, getting to know each other by talking on the phone (instead of endless text conversations) or in person. This keeps you from settling with a guy because he was your only option at the time.
-Notice that I didn't say anything about sex? Since you will be getting courted by more than one guy, you shouldn't be having sex until you know who you want to be with exclusively. Now I have brought this up in real life before and it made some women mad. How dare I advise not to sleep with a man soon after meeting him! Why does this upset people so much? I'm not saying there's a timeline to when you should sleep with a guy as everyone has different comfort levels. I'm saying it's not wise to sleep with a man very soon, especially if you are dating more than one (as you should). Us women are emotional creatures and whether we like it or not, sex is more than just sex. We absorb the other person's feelings for us. If you start a sexual relationship with a man right away how do you know that you really want to be with him or if you are just infatuated because he is good in bed? It's best to think logically and make sure that he actually lives up to your standards before you give your body to him. Ideally the man will be looking for a partner/relationship and more than just sex so it won't bug him to actually get to know you first. In fact, you shouldn't be seeing him in places that aren't in public until you know if he is looking for a real relationship with you. Until then keep it PG and do normal things like wine tasting, sight seeing, going to the boardwalk, movies, art exhibits, etc.
Those are just some things that I thought I would share. This post was really random but I see that a lot of BW (at least online) are lost when it comes to the dating world. In a nutshell: toss those rejections aside like they never happened, continue learning about man-women relationship dynamics and improving yourself, research and follow "The Rules" (a book), and don't focus on your failures/bad experiences. Everyone has them and it's best not to showcase your woe-is-me attitude to the world because it is pointless and solves nothing.
Until next time,
xoxo
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Monday, March 30, 2015
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Feminine black teen guide
This post is for the younger crowd. Spend your teenage years to learn more about yourself as well as other people and things! I have compiled a list of things you should focus on that will help you form good habits, learn more about yourself, and other skills. Taking care of yourself in your teens will lead to a young adulthood with more opportunities, romance, friendships, financial abundance and fun. I want more black women to think about themselves and their future. Becoming a high-value woman doesn't start at the age of 18; there is a lot of prepping that women of other races do with their daughters that helps them become a well rounded individual that is successful in their career, education, social life and romantic life. The black community is not rooting for us black women so it's up to us that have been through it all to give advice to the younger ones. I'm in my 20s myself but I have been through it all and I mean ALL. One day I will share my story but for now I will list the things I did and suggest to young black girls who want a fabulous life and are ready to prepare for it.
1. Learn how to socialize and develop friendships. Learning how to talk to people and make friends is important to everyone but it doesn't come easy to some. There are some adults who don't know how to talk to people! Smiling, appearing approachable and friendly will help attract people to you but learning the art of conversation will take you far. Everyone needs friends but for women, having friends is extra important! Lol We need others to have a shoulder to cry on, to give you honest opinions, to laugh and talk with, to learn life lessons and seeing other points of view. I suggest making friends with a variety of people from different backgrounds, whether they are a different race, gender, social group, age or socio-economic status. People who are different from you in those ways (and more) offer fresh perspectives in life and teach you things. Here is a link to an article on how to strike up a conversation with someone you don't know:
How to start a conversation
*Making new friends is fun but be careful, not everyone is friendly and has your best interest at heart! Among young women, there is a lot of jealousy and backstabbing and bullying. Don't tell another person your innermost secrets, desires and dreams when you first meet them. Even if you have known them for years, it is best to keep some things to yourself.
Flirting is also a good skill to learn. Lol more on this in another post but for a teen you can definitely learn to flirt, talk to guys (around your age please) and just learn about guys in general.
There are many opportunities to become friends with guys, through church, school activities, volunteering, through friends, etc. I don't think having a boyfriend in high school is bad but since there a lot of things you should be doing to become a well rounded person, you may not have time. It is important to learn how to act around the opposite sex, though. I highly suggest not having sex because not only are teenage boys immature enough to tell everyone or even secretly videotape you (it's happened!) but there's a risk of STDs and pregnancy. Teenage boys can also be dangerous, there are some with mental issues and misogynistic views and they will rape you or spread rumors that you are a "slut" or a "whore". My pieces of advice regarding dating are:
1. Don't give it up! Guys respect things that they have to work for and if you just hand it to him he will leave you after or only keep you around for sex and date another girl who he can enjoy chasing.
2. Don't get too attached. Everyone you meet leaves an impression on you but dating isn't how it used to be. Guys in their teens aren't looking to get married. They just want to be around and with girls. There's a chance he could be your high school sweetheart and you'll be together forever but don't count on it. Have fun, flirt, laugh and joke together. Have your first kiss, go on dates and to school dances but don't expect a ring and don't believe him when he says he loves you. Some guys say this so you let your guard down and sleep with him but not all guys are bad. Some guys confuse like or lust with love and they think it's romantic to say those three words because they think that's what all girls want to hear.
3. Let him treat you nice. Let him open doors, pay for your lunch, carry your books, walk you home and buy you things. Some people say that guys aren't required to do this but I think it shows that he comes from a good family and has a very good upbringing. If he does these things, he probably has a good relationship with his mother and his father taught him to respect women. You want to get used to this type of guy so when you are older you know how to get along and be with a man who is respectful, kind and knows how to treat a lady. You don't want to be one of those jaded mistrustful women who gives a side-eye to a guy who brings you roses or rejects a well-mannered man because she thinks he's up to something.
4. Don't waste your time on a guy who only talks about sex, uses pick up lines or tells you what to wear/how to wear your hair, etc. These are red flags for boys who feel entitled to girls and are possibly controlling, abusive and extremely judgmental. How many guys have you met that boast loudly about the type of girl they want or like? Stay away from this type because chances are he sees you as an object and will get angry if you don't fit his expectations.
2. Learn how to drive. Get your license as soon as you can. Even if you don't have the money to get a car right away. The longer you have your license, the less insurance will cost you in the future. Plus, you never know when you will need it.
3. Focus on school. Not only will getting good grades help you get into college, be eligible for scholarships and help you get a part time job but there are also other benefits to being studious during your high school years. Good attendance, the ability to concentrate and juggle multiple things and completing projects by the deadline aren't things that are strictly for high school. All good jobs expect you to be able to do these things. High school isn't pointless; it prepares you for the real world, contrary to what some people say about it. Anyone who tells you that school isn't a big deal is probably someone who didn't do as good as they wanted to and is bitter or doesn't want a young black women to succeed. Ignore them. Students with good grades are respected by their peers and teachers. I made friends with many other hardworking and motivated students who continued to support and motivate me even after high school ended. It is good to be surrounded by people who also have goals! Don't be ashamed or afraid to go to the library during lunch or after school to get some work done because you will be surrounded by other people who want to get ahead in life. Also, teachers love students who care about their grades and will go above and beyond to help you with anything if they know that you are passionate about succeeding. My high school english teacher was the one who got me my first job!
Here is an article with tips to help you excel in school. I also like to watch youtube videos and read tumblr blogs by high school and college students regarding study tips, stress reduction and organization tips.
How to Excel in High School
4. Learn what colors and fashion styles look best on you. Your teen years are the best time to figure out what looks good on you because you have the freedom to look funny, a hot mess and try out new things LOL Dye your hair a new color, experiment with makeup, try a new fashion style, etc. Here are a few articles that should help. I highly suggest reading them and then going to a reputable hair stylist, personal shopper, and makeup artist. Even if you don't intend on spending a ton of money it is best to get advice in person because they will be able to tell you better than anyone online can. They are trained to know how to help people! As far as the personal shopper goes, they are mainly in high end places like fancy department stores and boutiques =/ I suggest acting like you are rebuilding your wardrobe, taking notes and leaving LOL they may be irritated that you wasted their time but that's the only way I can think of.
Your best colors
Your style
Your body shape
Fashion Tips for Beginners
5. Take care of your skin. Your teen years are probably the worst for the skin. Many girls suffer from excessive oiliness and acne. Plus, girls with dark skin tend to get hyperpigmentation (acne scarring). Acne scars are almost as bad as acne itself. Go to a dermatologist for topical or oral medication that will help but a skin care routine is important to. If you take medication for your skin then use products made for sensitive skin and that doesn't interfere with the medicine. If you prefer a less clinical approach, you may find supplements a good choice. You should talk to a doctor before you start but here are a few that I know work for sure:
-MSM
-Fish Oil
-Biotin
-Silica/Horsetail
Also, drink at least a liter of water a day. Wear sunscreen (yes, dark skin can get skin cancer too!) and wash your face before bed. Change your pillow cases every other night and use silk or satin pillowcases to prevent your skin from getting dry.
The basic skin care routine is a cleanser, toner and moisturizer. A cleanser's purpose is to clean off the sweat, dirt and grime from the environment. Choose a gentle one that has natural ingredients or one with the least amount of ingredients. Some people say that toners are useless and a good cleanser should enable you to not need one but they are just confused. A toner's job isn't to clean but to restore the skin's pH and help your skin absorb the nutrients that the moisturizer has. Black women have beautiful skin and should take good care of it. Black skin glistens in the sun and is the object of envy of a lot of people (they just won't admit it LOL). A daytime moisturizer should contain spf and a night time should contain ingredients that help the skin. Young ladies with acne should use one with salicylic acid, dry skin should contain moisturizing ingredients like vitamin E and normal skin can do without one but a basic one from like St. Ives shouldn't hurt. Also, once a week you should do a face mask to do a deep cleansing. They are very cheap and you can even google "DIY face mask" and make one from the ingredients from your fridge. A post on skin with further detail will come up soon.
7. Do volunteer work. Not only will this help you build an awesome resume but it will get you more involved in the community, expose you to new people and environments and also raise your self esteem. Knowing that you are capable of making a change in the world will make you feel better about yourself. You can also make connections for the future. Volunteering can help you get a good idea of what you might want to do as a career. A few ideas for where to volunteer:
-Hospital. There might be a gift shop, maternity ward or any clerical work that can be done by a young person.
-Humane Society/animal shelter. You'll learn how to take care of animals.
-Senior citizen living community. They will have you answering phones, help with recreational activities, etc.
-Real estate office.
-Summer camps
-Garden center/nursery
-Library
-Museum/Aquarium
-Theatre. My local theatre has volunteer ushers and they get to watch the play, ballet or concert for free!
Another pro for volunteering is that it will expose you to people that you wouldn't normally be in contact with. As a black teen, especially if you live in the inner city, it is important to know people who can help you for jobs and other opportunities, like housing and resources. There are lots of good jobs that don't get posted on job boards and windows because the employer doesn't want any ol' person applying and having to shift through hundreds of resumes and applications. Being connected to people who have connections, money and resources is important. For instance, I got my first non-fast food job because my volunteer supervisor's brother was a real estate broker and needed someone to organize his files. I had expressed my desire to leave the bagel place I was working at to my supervisor at the Humane Society and since she knew I was a good worker, responsible and kind, she referred me to her brother.
8. Find a new hobby. Hobbies release stress, are a great creative outlet and build your character. They also build your self esteem because you have something you enjoy and are good at. Hobbies also keep you from being bored. Boredom is dangerous. Bored teens are prone to depression, drugs, excessive alcohol consumption and loneliness.
Also, for the young ladies who are interested in swirling, getting involved in things that are outside the "black spectrum" will bring you around a more diverse crowd. Here are some examples:
-sports like golf, tennis, water-polo, swimming, surfing, lacrosse and horseback riding
-sewing, watercolor painting, ceramics
-theatre like plays and musicals. You can also learn about fine art and visit museums
-learn how to sing classical music and/opera
9.Learn a language. The world is your oyster, young black girl! You can go anywhere you want but it would be easier if you could understand other people and don't get lost, no? Lol most high schools offer language courses but there are also community college classes you can take. You can also rent cd's and dvd's from the local library. Some languages you may find useful are:
-Spanish. This should be a requirement for all Americans because the Latino community is growing at a fast rate and spanish is a language that a lot of employers want.
-French
-Italian
-Cantonese or Mandarin
-Japanese
-German
-Arabic
10. Find a part time job or start your own business. It's smart to start building your resume and get some money in your pocket. If you are involved in extracurricular activities and/ or volunteering then you may find it to be too much to get a job but it's doable. Many fast food and retail places hire 16 year olds so I suggest you start there. Also, you can babysit, clean houses, mow lawns and run errands (if you have a car). Get creative! You can turn your hobby into a money maker (photography skills, web design, dance competitions, tutoring, etc).
11. Take care of your body. While obesity affects people of all ethnicity and ages, it's imperative that young black women take care of their bodies! Being overweight puts you at risk of heart disease, diabetes and other diseases. A toned body will boost your self esteem and make you look better in clothes. From experience, I know that black girls are shamed for our bodies whether we are fat or skinny. Everything we do is ridiculed so body size and weight are sensitive subjects. I have nothing against fat girls, I just don't think it's anything to enable and is unattractive. I don't expect every woman to have the perfect hour glass shape, that's ridiculous. But I do want more young black women to eat healthy, exercise and watch their weight.
For the young swirlers, other races of men prefer slender bodies. The black community will tell you that real women have curves and that you don't need to lose weight. Don't listen! Having a big butt or a full chest isn't bad at all. In fact curves are beautiful! But you can have curves and be thin.
Zumba, martial arts, swimming, pilates, ballet are some ideas for fun ways to keep your health and body in good shape. Eat your vegetables raw or steamed; eat plenty of fruits; drink water and unsweetened green tea; eat candy, soda and carbs in moderation; and reduce stress as it can lead to weight gain believe it or not.
12. Open a bank account and save whatever money you get. Everyone needs a bank account, even if they aren't working. A little tip: Get an account with a credit union if you can. They have better policies and practices. Save at least 50% of your paychecks and get it directly deposited into your savings. The interest rates are low at the moment but you should save anyway. That way in the case of an emergency you don't have to depend on anyone. Also if you start saving when you are young, even only $20 a month, you will get into the habit of saving for the rest of your life. It is critical as a young black women to be smart with money because of the economy and how men and other races get paid more for doing the same work. That's very sad but that's the way it is. Trust me, a rainy day will come and you will be thankful that you were proactive.
13. Have fun! This guide may seem like a lot of responsibility but honestly, all of these things will be fun if you have the right attitude! See everything as an opportunity to learn and get to know yourself.
Keep a diary or journal and write about your experience and feelings. You will make many memories that you will be able to look back on and be proud that you gave yourself so much love and didn't let anything hold you back from living your life to the fullest. You can even start a blog or youtube channel and make new friends as well as some money. Enjoy your youth and make the most of it.
I hope you enjoyed this post and found it useful. If you have any questions, comments or any requests for upcoming posts, leave a comment down below. Thanks!
1. Learn how to socialize and develop friendships. Learning how to talk to people and make friends is important to everyone but it doesn't come easy to some. There are some adults who don't know how to talk to people! Smiling, appearing approachable and friendly will help attract people to you but learning the art of conversation will take you far. Everyone needs friends but for women, having friends is extra important! Lol We need others to have a shoulder to cry on, to give you honest opinions, to laugh and talk with, to learn life lessons and seeing other points of view. I suggest making friends with a variety of people from different backgrounds, whether they are a different race, gender, social group, age or socio-economic status. People who are different from you in those ways (and more) offer fresh perspectives in life and teach you things. Here is a link to an article on how to strike up a conversation with someone you don't know:
How to start a conversation
*Making new friends is fun but be careful, not everyone is friendly and has your best interest at heart! Among young women, there is a lot of jealousy and backstabbing and bullying. Don't tell another person your innermost secrets, desires and dreams when you first meet them. Even if you have known them for years, it is best to keep some things to yourself.
Flirting is also a good skill to learn. Lol more on this in another post but for a teen you can definitely learn to flirt, talk to guys (around your age please) and just learn about guys in general.
There are many opportunities to become friends with guys, through church, school activities, volunteering, through friends, etc. I don't think having a boyfriend in high school is bad but since there a lot of things you should be doing to become a well rounded person, you may not have time. It is important to learn how to act around the opposite sex, though. I highly suggest not having sex because not only are teenage boys immature enough to tell everyone or even secretly videotape you (it's happened!) but there's a risk of STDs and pregnancy. Teenage boys can also be dangerous, there are some with mental issues and misogynistic views and they will rape you or spread rumors that you are a "slut" or a "whore". My pieces of advice regarding dating are:
1. Don't give it up! Guys respect things that they have to work for and if you just hand it to him he will leave you after or only keep you around for sex and date another girl who he can enjoy chasing.
2. Don't get too attached. Everyone you meet leaves an impression on you but dating isn't how it used to be. Guys in their teens aren't looking to get married. They just want to be around and with girls. There's a chance he could be your high school sweetheart and you'll be together forever but don't count on it. Have fun, flirt, laugh and joke together. Have your first kiss, go on dates and to school dances but don't expect a ring and don't believe him when he says he loves you. Some guys say this so you let your guard down and sleep with him but not all guys are bad. Some guys confuse like or lust with love and they think it's romantic to say those three words because they think that's what all girls want to hear.
3. Let him treat you nice. Let him open doors, pay for your lunch, carry your books, walk you home and buy you things. Some people say that guys aren't required to do this but I think it shows that he comes from a good family and has a very good upbringing. If he does these things, he probably has a good relationship with his mother and his father taught him to respect women. You want to get used to this type of guy so when you are older you know how to get along and be with a man who is respectful, kind and knows how to treat a lady. You don't want to be one of those jaded mistrustful women who gives a side-eye to a guy who brings you roses or rejects a well-mannered man because she thinks he's up to something.
4. Don't waste your time on a guy who only talks about sex, uses pick up lines or tells you what to wear/how to wear your hair, etc. These are red flags for boys who feel entitled to girls and are possibly controlling, abusive and extremely judgmental. How many guys have you met that boast loudly about the type of girl they want or like? Stay away from this type because chances are he sees you as an object and will get angry if you don't fit his expectations.
2. Learn how to drive. Get your license as soon as you can. Even if you don't have the money to get a car right away. The longer you have your license, the less insurance will cost you in the future. Plus, you never know when you will need it.
3. Focus on school. Not only will getting good grades help you get into college, be eligible for scholarships and help you get a part time job but there are also other benefits to being studious during your high school years. Good attendance, the ability to concentrate and juggle multiple things and completing projects by the deadline aren't things that are strictly for high school. All good jobs expect you to be able to do these things. High school isn't pointless; it prepares you for the real world, contrary to what some people say about it. Anyone who tells you that school isn't a big deal is probably someone who didn't do as good as they wanted to and is bitter or doesn't want a young black women to succeed. Ignore them. Students with good grades are respected by their peers and teachers. I made friends with many other hardworking and motivated students who continued to support and motivate me even after high school ended. It is good to be surrounded by people who also have goals! Don't be ashamed or afraid to go to the library during lunch or after school to get some work done because you will be surrounded by other people who want to get ahead in life. Also, teachers love students who care about their grades and will go above and beyond to help you with anything if they know that you are passionate about succeeding. My high school english teacher was the one who got me my first job!
Here is an article with tips to help you excel in school. I also like to watch youtube videos and read tumblr blogs by high school and college students regarding study tips, stress reduction and organization tips.
How to Excel in High School
4. Learn what colors and fashion styles look best on you. Your teen years are the best time to figure out what looks good on you because you have the freedom to look funny, a hot mess and try out new things LOL Dye your hair a new color, experiment with makeup, try a new fashion style, etc. Here are a few articles that should help. I highly suggest reading them and then going to a reputable hair stylist, personal shopper, and makeup artist. Even if you don't intend on spending a ton of money it is best to get advice in person because they will be able to tell you better than anyone online can. They are trained to know how to help people! As far as the personal shopper goes, they are mainly in high end places like fancy department stores and boutiques =/ I suggest acting like you are rebuilding your wardrobe, taking notes and leaving LOL they may be irritated that you wasted their time but that's the only way I can think of.
Your best colors
Your style
Your body shape
Fashion Tips for Beginners
5. Take care of your skin. Your teen years are probably the worst for the skin. Many girls suffer from excessive oiliness and acne. Plus, girls with dark skin tend to get hyperpigmentation (acne scarring). Acne scars are almost as bad as acne itself. Go to a dermatologist for topical or oral medication that will help but a skin care routine is important to. If you take medication for your skin then use products made for sensitive skin and that doesn't interfere with the medicine. If you prefer a less clinical approach, you may find supplements a good choice. You should talk to a doctor before you start but here are a few that I know work for sure:
-MSM
-Fish Oil
-Biotin
-Silica/Horsetail
Also, drink at least a liter of water a day. Wear sunscreen (yes, dark skin can get skin cancer too!) and wash your face before bed. Change your pillow cases every other night and use silk or satin pillowcases to prevent your skin from getting dry.
The basic skin care routine is a cleanser, toner and moisturizer. A cleanser's purpose is to clean off the sweat, dirt and grime from the environment. Choose a gentle one that has natural ingredients or one with the least amount of ingredients. Some people say that toners are useless and a good cleanser should enable you to not need one but they are just confused. A toner's job isn't to clean but to restore the skin's pH and help your skin absorb the nutrients that the moisturizer has. Black women have beautiful skin and should take good care of it. Black skin glistens in the sun and is the object of envy of a lot of people (they just won't admit it LOL). A daytime moisturizer should contain spf and a night time should contain ingredients that help the skin. Young ladies with acne should use one with salicylic acid, dry skin should contain moisturizing ingredients like vitamin E and normal skin can do without one but a basic one from like St. Ives shouldn't hurt. Also, once a week you should do a face mask to do a deep cleansing. They are very cheap and you can even google "DIY face mask" and make one from the ingredients from your fridge. A post on skin with further detail will come up soon.
7. Do volunteer work. Not only will this help you build an awesome resume but it will get you more involved in the community, expose you to new people and environments and also raise your self esteem. Knowing that you are capable of making a change in the world will make you feel better about yourself. You can also make connections for the future. Volunteering can help you get a good idea of what you might want to do as a career. A few ideas for where to volunteer:
-Hospital. There might be a gift shop, maternity ward or any clerical work that can be done by a young person.
-Humane Society/animal shelter. You'll learn how to take care of animals.
-Senior citizen living community. They will have you answering phones, help with recreational activities, etc.
-Real estate office.
-Summer camps
-Garden center/nursery
-Library
-Museum/Aquarium
-Theatre. My local theatre has volunteer ushers and they get to watch the play, ballet or concert for free!
Another pro for volunteering is that it will expose you to people that you wouldn't normally be in contact with. As a black teen, especially if you live in the inner city, it is important to know people who can help you for jobs and other opportunities, like housing and resources. There are lots of good jobs that don't get posted on job boards and windows because the employer doesn't want any ol' person applying and having to shift through hundreds of resumes and applications. Being connected to people who have connections, money and resources is important. For instance, I got my first non-fast food job because my volunteer supervisor's brother was a real estate broker and needed someone to organize his files. I had expressed my desire to leave the bagel place I was working at to my supervisor at the Humane Society and since she knew I was a good worker, responsible and kind, she referred me to her brother.
8. Find a new hobby. Hobbies release stress, are a great creative outlet and build your character. They also build your self esteem because you have something you enjoy and are good at. Hobbies also keep you from being bored. Boredom is dangerous. Bored teens are prone to depression, drugs, excessive alcohol consumption and loneliness.
Also, for the young ladies who are interested in swirling, getting involved in things that are outside the "black spectrum" will bring you around a more diverse crowd. Here are some examples:
-sports like golf, tennis, water-polo, swimming, surfing, lacrosse and horseback riding
-sewing, watercolor painting, ceramics
-theatre like plays and musicals. You can also learn about fine art and visit museums
-learn how to sing classical music and/opera
9.Learn a language. The world is your oyster, young black girl! You can go anywhere you want but it would be easier if you could understand other people and don't get lost, no? Lol most high schools offer language courses but there are also community college classes you can take. You can also rent cd's and dvd's from the local library. Some languages you may find useful are:
-Spanish. This should be a requirement for all Americans because the Latino community is growing at a fast rate and spanish is a language that a lot of employers want.
-French
-Italian
-Cantonese or Mandarin
-Japanese
-German
-Arabic
10. Find a part time job or start your own business. It's smart to start building your resume and get some money in your pocket. If you are involved in extracurricular activities and/ or volunteering then you may find it to be too much to get a job but it's doable. Many fast food and retail places hire 16 year olds so I suggest you start there. Also, you can babysit, clean houses, mow lawns and run errands (if you have a car). Get creative! You can turn your hobby into a money maker (photography skills, web design, dance competitions, tutoring, etc).
11. Take care of your body. While obesity affects people of all ethnicity and ages, it's imperative that young black women take care of their bodies! Being overweight puts you at risk of heart disease, diabetes and other diseases. A toned body will boost your self esteem and make you look better in clothes. From experience, I know that black girls are shamed for our bodies whether we are fat or skinny. Everything we do is ridiculed so body size and weight are sensitive subjects. I have nothing against fat girls, I just don't think it's anything to enable and is unattractive. I don't expect every woman to have the perfect hour glass shape, that's ridiculous. But I do want more young black women to eat healthy, exercise and watch their weight.
For the young swirlers, other races of men prefer slender bodies. The black community will tell you that real women have curves and that you don't need to lose weight. Don't listen! Having a big butt or a full chest isn't bad at all. In fact curves are beautiful! But you can have curves and be thin.
Zumba, martial arts, swimming, pilates, ballet are some ideas for fun ways to keep your health and body in good shape. Eat your vegetables raw or steamed; eat plenty of fruits; drink water and unsweetened green tea; eat candy, soda and carbs in moderation; and reduce stress as it can lead to weight gain believe it or not.
12. Open a bank account and save whatever money you get. Everyone needs a bank account, even if they aren't working. A little tip: Get an account with a credit union if you can. They have better policies and practices. Save at least 50% of your paychecks and get it directly deposited into your savings. The interest rates are low at the moment but you should save anyway. That way in the case of an emergency you don't have to depend on anyone. Also if you start saving when you are young, even only $20 a month, you will get into the habit of saving for the rest of your life. It is critical as a young black women to be smart with money because of the economy and how men and other races get paid more for doing the same work. That's very sad but that's the way it is. Trust me, a rainy day will come and you will be thankful that you were proactive.
13. Have fun! This guide may seem like a lot of responsibility but honestly, all of these things will be fun if you have the right attitude! See everything as an opportunity to learn and get to know yourself.
Keep a diary or journal and write about your experience and feelings. You will make many memories that you will be able to look back on and be proud that you gave yourself so much love and didn't let anything hold you back from living your life to the fullest. You can even start a blog or youtube channel and make new friends as well as some money. Enjoy your youth and make the most of it.
I hope you enjoyed this post and found it useful. If you have any questions, comments or any requests for upcoming posts, leave a comment down below. Thanks!
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Why do some women "get" good men and I can't?
You may have asked yourself this before? I know I have many times. It wasn't until I studied other women and the nature of "certain" men that I began to understand why some women attract and keep high quality and high-value men and why others can't.
What kind of women attract educated, wealthy, good mannered, masculine men?
Why do you think high value men go after a certain woman?
Looks play a big part. We all know but these women with all the "luck" (aka more life skills) get these men because they possess the traits/skills these men want and let it be known they have these skills.
How many of you dream of a certain type of man? Now how many went out looking for information on what said type of man is interested in, what kind of environment he is in, what he finds attractive, etc? You have no chance with this type of man unless you understand him.
What man wants a woman he can't hold a conversation with? Or can't introduce at a dinner party? Or knows nothing of his interests?
You need to educate yourself, train yourself, study the habits, hobbies and pleasures/interests if the man you are trying to attract and appeal to him.
Invest in growing yourself. A quality man can see the lackluster energy of a woman who's faking it. He wants someone who is on his level in some way, whether it's intellectually, physically, financially or emotionally or a combination of these.
__________________________________________________________________
Here are some tips.........
-study what kind of neighborhoods your ideal type lives in and move into such neighborhood.
-study what kind of hobbies he participates in and participate in such activities (future blog post)
-find out what kind of education he has/is working on and acquire the same or similar degree or education (future blog post)
-determine what kind of career he has and get your foot into that door (future blog post)
-discover what personality traits he possesses and determine whether yours will match (very important)
--live a similar lifestyle
There are some things that men are better at and that they will appreciate if you are good at, too. A few of these things are being smarter with money (quality men are savers, not spenders but are good at both), trying new approaches to problems, not making excuses (a quality man is a man of his word and very crafty). You should also learn how to walk away from situations or people that devalue you.
___________________________________________________________________
A high-value man doesn't want a woman with a "history". Be careful of who you date, befriend, work for, etc. A trashy past will compromise your future. Think of a CEO or a prince, would they not conduct a background check on the woman they want to marry? Yes, they will because why would they risk what they've worked hard for if it can be so easily taken away by a gold digger, scam artist, liar, ex-stripper/prostitute or any other woman that has engaged in risky behavior and can ruin his reputation?
What kind of women attract educated, wealthy, good mannered, masculine men?
Why do you think high value men go after a certain woman?
Looks play a big part. We all know but these women with all the "luck" (aka more life skills) get these men because they possess the traits/skills these men want and let it be known they have these skills.
How many of you dream of a certain type of man? Now how many went out looking for information on what said type of man is interested in, what kind of environment he is in, what he finds attractive, etc? You have no chance with this type of man unless you understand him.
What man wants a woman he can't hold a conversation with? Or can't introduce at a dinner party? Or knows nothing of his interests?
You need to educate yourself, train yourself, study the habits, hobbies and pleasures/interests if the man you are trying to attract and appeal to him.
Invest in growing yourself. A quality man can see the lackluster energy of a woman who's faking it. He wants someone who is on his level in some way, whether it's intellectually, physically, financially or emotionally or a combination of these.
__________________________________________________________________
Here are some tips.........
-study what kind of neighborhoods your ideal type lives in and move into such neighborhood.
-study what kind of hobbies he participates in and participate in such activities (future blog post)
-find out what kind of education he has/is working on and acquire the same or similar degree or education (future blog post)
-determine what kind of career he has and get your foot into that door (future blog post)
-discover what personality traits he possesses and determine whether yours will match (very important)
--live a similar lifestyle
There are some things that men are better at and that they will appreciate if you are good at, too. A few of these things are being smarter with money (quality men are savers, not spenders but are good at both), trying new approaches to problems, not making excuses (a quality man is a man of his word and very crafty). You should also learn how to walk away from situations or people that devalue you.
___________________________________________________________________
A high-value man doesn't want a woman with a "history". Be careful of who you date, befriend, work for, etc. A trashy past will compromise your future. Think of a CEO or a prince, would they not conduct a background check on the woman they want to marry? Yes, they will because why would they risk what they've worked hard for if it can be so easily taken away by a gold digger, scam artist, liar, ex-stripper/prostitute or any other woman that has engaged in risky behavior and can ruin his reputation?
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