On Being Defensive

Thank you for the emails with suggestions. I look forward to making more posts and to hearing from you all. I have made a list of what you want to read and I will do my best to get them out in a timely manner. Here is something I wrote while bored in my history class last quarter (I HATE HISTORY BY THE WAY lol.)
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"Minds are like parachutes, they work better when they are open."

I observe BW. Online and in person. I not only observe what people say about BW but what BW say to themselves, to other people, about themselves, about other ppl, about other BW, etc. and I have noticed that it is very VERY easy to upset a BW! Not only is it easy but for some people it is fun. Yes, seeing a BW go off is a source of entertainment for some. I know there are people who lurk BW-centered FB pages and blogs and find it entertaining all the crazy stuff people talk about. "BM only like light skinned/white women!" "BM made me feel bad my whole life, I hate BM!" It's drama and it's useless to be honest because what is the point in sharing your pain with the world? The world doesn't deserve to see it because they don't know how to handle it! Our position as BW is a unique one. Very few people (writers, poets, singers) have expressed it accurately so society does not understand or care. Your pain, anger, inner turmoil should be reserved for a professional who can help you get rid of it and understand it, such a psychiatrist or a therapist. Someone who can help you grow and function well enough that you are achieving your goals and dreams.

But anyway...

Don't let your defensiveness get in the way of getting what you want! I have noticed that many BW emotionally over-respond especially online. It is best to STOP being defensive and learn to grab opportunities while they are around and IGNORE things that do not apply to you. You can be offended by something and not respond!

I say continue to read and study materials that will help you (dating, fitness, financial) even if they don't focus on you or if they say something that you don't agree with because the information is what you want, not the attention or the coddling. You don't have to agree with everything, not everyone has the same views as you and that's okay as long as you get what you need from it.

There is a dating blog from a guy's perspective that I like. He is genuinely trying to help women. I find his advice spot on but on one post he said that BW's beautiful bodies and other features make up for "imperfect hair". In the comment section there were BW who are upset with the term he used. While I don't agree with the way he said it, I respect his opinion. WHY? Because I don't expect a WM who has never (as far as I know) dated a BW to appreciate our natural hair. He said straight hair looks better on all women which is what a lot of American men think. They grew up with sexualized tv ads and magazines shoving European beauty standards down their throat so of course that's what they want! I feel like Americans are brainwashed in some sort of way but that's for another day ;) While I think straight long hair can look great on some BW depending on her bone structure, it's not the best style for everyone. I think hair is a touchy subject for most BW and we shouldn't get mad at others for not understanding how much of a big deal it is. Hair topics always strike a nerve with BW and I understand completely. We have a reason to be upset over being judged by something we were conditioned to hate and see in a bad light. Most of us were permed and hot combed at an age too young to know what was going on. But guess what? Other people don't have this experience and don't understand why it's such a big deal so when you get upset or go off they don't understand that either and will get defensive as well. My advice is to remind yourself of our unique position in society and give other people the benefit of the doubt when they are misinformed or say something ignorant.

BE OPEN to knowledge and advice from all places and viewpoints because there is always something you can take away from it. The easiest way for me is to think of myself is as a project. I made a list of things I wanted to change about myself, a list of criticism I have heard from other people and a list of things possessed by the ideal woman I want to be. I suggest making one for yourself. Once you understand what you need to improve on and why as well as the benefits of improvement, you will feel less self-conscious and when someone brings up your weakness (even in a rude way)  you will think to yourself (I already know and I'm working on it!). You won't get defensive and will respond in a classy way instead of with anger.

Ex:
Random woman in Target: "You are too young to have a belly, girl. I wouldn't let my daughter let herself go like that"
You:"B&%^$  you don't know me! You are so rude, who do you think you are!?"

or

Random woman in Target:  "You are too young to have a belly, girl. I wouldn't let my daughter let herself go like that"
You: "Well, I've been working out lately and can't wait to see the results! What does your daughter do to stay fit? I'd love to know *smiles*"
Random woman: *confused that they weren't cursed out* *walks away*

Now that example is a little silly but I've seen similar interactions. People who are rude towards BW aren't just racist people but anyone who is aware how easy it is to tick off a BW. It's a source of entertainment for some, unfortunately. While I don't believe we can prevent people from coming at us sideways, we can change the way we react to it. Not only does it deter those people from attempting to make you uncomfortable again, but also lets potential dates or platonic friends from both genders know that you are kind, non-argumentative, open-minded and even-tempered. Who wants to be friends with someone who gets upset easily?

You may be thinking, what does it matter what other people think, only what I think of myself matters! That's not the whole truth. You should be content with yourself but what other certain people think does matter because friends are important, your relationship with your boss and colleagues are important, your relationship with your landlord is important, etc. Your attitude and ability to interact with people contribute to your reputation and trust me, a woman who cannot hold her temper, take constructive criticism, ignore and/ or deflect shade determines your ability to network and move ahead. No one wants to be around someone who is hyper-sensitive and is a ticking time bomb for a temper tantrum.

And if that person's comment doesn't pertain to you or isn't true, you can brush it off your shoulders. Believe it or not, bullying doesn't end in middle school. There are grown people walking around with a chip on their shoulders and they go out of their way to be rude and insult others. Being mean makes some people feel good. It's not your fault at all so just brush it off your beautiful shoulders and don't take it personally :)

The biggest hurdle in self-improvement is being strong enough to look inside yourself and be honest. I have faith that you can improve yourself even though I don't know you. How? Because the simple fact that you are reading this blog and others shows that you are interested in letting go, engaging with other BW, learning and setting goals for yourself and moving forward.

The point of this post is to say that when you take offense to something very easily it is because you are over- sensitive to it. You have a vested interest in it and that is holding you back from seeing the truth and reacting accordingly. Your personal goal should be to recognize when this is happening and nip it in the bud. When you feel yourself getting upset, remind yourself that your emotions can make you react in the wrong way and that if you think more logically at this time, you can get a better reaction and diffuse the situation. I would like to see more of my Black/biracial sisters react to haters in a more confident, controlled and even playful way. The next time someone says something rude to you just take a deep breath and smile, even if you are angry! Show your pretty smile and either say nothing at all or something polite and vague. "You think so? Interesting...." Then sashay away ^_^

Talk to you all tomorrow!
xoxo

A note about "swirling" and dating in general

This quarter was very intense and that is why I update so sporadically. I can't promise to post more often but I will be spending spring break making posts and hopefully put them on a posting schedule. I don't want to come across insensitive or lacking in empathy but I have something that I would like to have a conversation about something:

There is an article of a BW moaning about having a hard time dating online. She sounded depressed, disappointed and insecure that she had no luck. While I feel bad that she is having a hard time, I am kind of annoyed with articles like this because they make us BW look desperate and it doesn't solve anything! What is the point? To make people feel bad enough for you to date you? And this isn't the only one either. I see it all the time on tumblr. BW whining about being unwanted and sometimes disrespected while searching for a partner. Now I can empathize with some of these girls because I know how hard it was to find a suitable partner. I'm not going to sugar coat things. Dating in general is hard but swirling is even harder because not only do you have to vet out the users, cheaters and abusers but also the undercover racists, men with fetishes or the ones who just want to experiment or use BW as a back up plan. Do you know what is more unattractive than a woman who is morbidly obese, crude or boring? An insecure woman with a victim complex who is going to bitch and moan over something that can be changed. Am I saying this is all her fault? No! I'm saying that it makes you look bad to complain on a public platform about something that happens to thousands of women every day. Learn how to accept rejection and move on. See what you could do differently and take another approach to reach your goal. Online dating not working out? Try actually leaving your home. My friends and I had more successful love lives when we got off the computer and into actual settings that put us in the position to mingle with high-quality men.

The thing is, people are watching and paying attention. They are noticing that not only are BW opening up their dating options (a good thing) but some are desperate enough to accept anything that's not black (every seen a single black mom with a swarm of mixed-race babies and no ring?). I saw it myself years ago when I joined an online dating website after being stationed at a new base. This guy wrote on his profile that he is not worried about having to put up with a WW's bullshit because knows there are many many asian and black women who are at his beck-and-call. *eye roll* I've also been approached by an underemployed man with bad hygiene who expected me to just give him a chance because most BW never marry anyway and he's "willing" to date me. LMFAO! I just giggled and acted like he never said it. So because there's a chance that we never marry that we are supposed to lower our standards? Heck no...

Dating, unfortunately, is a game. A hard game and it takes a lot of research, practicing and strategy to master it. Everyone faces rejection in one way or another. As BW, who some see as the bottom of the totem pole, rejection is inevitable. Some people are downright cruel. I found a fitness forum that had a "general discussion" section and a recent thread was of a young WM asking ppl what to put in his free dating profile so that BW would stop sending him messages. Do you know what the responses were? To be as cruel and nasty as he wanted to be to these women because they are over stepping a boundary that shouldn't be crossed. How dare they think they are good enough for him! Why should he date a girl who's hair he couldn't even run his hands through? He even posted screenshots of the messages he got (which weren't inappropriate or strange, just regular friendly/flirty) and they all laughed at them and even decided to make accounts just to troll these women. SMH it made me furious! But then I reminded myself that this is the internet, where people show their hidden colors.  Now I don't think all non-BM are racist and cruel but I just don't want young BW to think that because a few BW celebrities successfully swirled that it is easy-peasy. In fact, you may find that you find a suitable BM to be courted by and marry! You never know!

As much as I advocate for BW to expand their dating options, I want BW to be realistic. Swirling is not all rainbows and lollipops and it is not for everyone. This is America. Racism and prejudice is America's theme. Non-BM are not magical unicorns, they can be DBR's too. It may take years, moving into a new city, total life makeover etc. before you meet a potential partner but if you put in effort, you will reap the rewards. And that works for every aspect of your life. It helps immensely to learn to take things in stride, learn how to play the game and be strategic. Here are a few tips I have:

-don't send out messages. Let the men come to you. Focus on writing a nice profile that doesn't give out too much info about you, having attractive photos that not only show off your face but your fit body in an appropriate way (in a classy cocktail dress or gown, a flowing skirt) and know how to come across as mysterious and not spill the beans.

-don't go back and forth too much. Don't let him make you a message-buddy, a woman he only talks to when he's bored. If he doesn't ask you out within 10 messages, stop responding until he actually asks you out on a real date to a real place, not his couch to watch netflix and "get to know each other", which is code for "find out if you are easy to get into bed" All the women I know who have accepted such dates ended up being seduced Lol.

-don't say anything in your profile that bashes BM, it's unattractive and immature because it shows that you have baggage. Nothing like "I am into interracial dating only so if you aren't  ____ don't bother" or "I'm don't date BM because they think they are better than me" (I've seen this one lol) or anything like that. Just ignore the messages you get from men you aren't interested in and that goes for other things like men of a certain age group, in a certain work field, etc. There are other ways to let men know you are down with the swirl. I personally used to put that I have traveled extensively and am learning multiple languages and would like to meet someone who has is as well. Believe it or not that pretty much narrowed it down to WM and AM who were adventurous, had a degree and were comfortable career-wise (it's probably because you have to be financially stable to travel a lot). Which brings me to my next point:

-the best places to meet men are in places that go with travelling, money, business and science. By that I mean airports, high end lounges in airports or hotels, banks, auctions, science conventions etc. I actually got a part time job while in the military at an airport lounge as a cocktail waitress and I met my ex-bf there. He was a med-school student from the East Coast who was on his way to a residency interview. He gave me his business card and I never called him. He actually came back to the lounge before going home to chat me up. I acted like I never said I would call him, I flirted and smiled, had a fun convo like nothing ever happened. I said I would keep in contact but I didn't because I wanted to see if he was the type of guy to go after what he wanted and I was right. He actually called my job one weekend and asked my manager if he could speak to me! He came back for residency the next fall and we started dating. He ended up being a sweetheart and spoiled me so rotten. It was a nice change from the wanna-be Eminem's I dated in high school! Yep, stay away from the Malibu's Most Wanted types, sistas, they are nothing but immature losers that have absorbed the bad part of Black Culture via disgusting rap music.

-Don't date when you are desperately lonely. I think it's understandable to want some romance in your life but loneliness is easy to spot and can make you a target for users and abusers. Don't respond to online messages during the weekends, that's just telling them that you don't have anything to fill your precious time with. Wait until the weekend is over and respond. Don't apologize and be like :"sorry I was so busy I had to ____ and then I ___" You have nothing to apologize for (you don't owe him anything) and it's none of his business what you did that weekend. If he wanted to know he would ask ;) There are men out there who love lonely women because they are easy to take advantage of sexually, financially and emotionally. These are the type of men who will exploit you emotionally and convince you to do things like put things he wants in your name and mess up your credit LOL It is best to start dating when you already have some things going on such as work, running your business, school, etc. That way, you won't have the time or energy to fret over every little thing. You won't over a text that wasn't responded to right away or feel insecure if he is out getting to know someone else. Confidence will enable you to not care about these things because you will know that you are high quality yourself and if he knows what's good for him he will make an effort to get to know such a creature ;) I also suggest you date more than one guy at once. By dating I mean letting him take you out, getting to know each other by talking on the phone (instead of endless text conversations) or in person. This keeps you from settling with a guy because he was your only option at the time.

-Notice that I didn't say anything about sex? Since you will be getting courted by more than one guy, you shouldn't be having sex until you know who you want to be with exclusively. Now I have brought this up in real life before and it made some women mad. How dare I advise not to sleep with a man soon after meeting him! Why does this upset people so much? I'm not saying there's a timeline to when you should sleep with a guy as everyone has different comfort levels. I'm saying it's not wise to sleep with a man very soon, especially if you are dating more than one (as you should). Us women are emotional creatures and whether we like it or not, sex is more than just sex. We absorb the other person's feelings for us. If you start a sexual relationship with a man right away how do you know that you really want to be with him or if you are just infatuated because he is good in bed? It's best to think logically and make sure that he actually lives up to your standards before you give your body to him. Ideally the man will be looking for a partner/relationship and more than just sex so it won't bug him to actually get to know you first. In fact, you shouldn't be seeing him in places that aren't in public until you know if he is looking for a real relationship with you. Until then keep it PG and do normal things like wine tasting, sight seeing, going to the boardwalk, movies, art exhibits, etc.

Those are just some things that I thought I would share. This post was really random but I see that a lot of BW (at least online) are lost when it comes to the dating world. In a nutshell: toss those rejections aside like they never happened, continue learning about man-women relationship dynamics and improving yourself, research and follow "The Rules" (a book), and don't focus on your failures/bad experiences. Everyone has them and it's best not to showcase your woe-is-me attitude to the world because it is pointless and solves nothing.

Until next time,
xoxo

Why I left facebook and Distractors

I created a facebook page to share my blog posts and interact more with people. I knew there were other BW out there who are interested in gaining social status, sharing tips on class, beauty advice, dating advice, health tips and many other things. I was interested in connecting with other forward-thinking BW. By forward-thinking I mean BW who think outside the box that society wants to put us in, BW who want to develop into graceful, classy and pioneering women who aren't afraid of following their dreams because it's not something that "black women do". I want to replace the image of BW around the globe from despair and struggle to mysterious, enticing and beautiful. I already know how sexy, intelligent and creative we are but I want the whole world to know. I want the future generations of little black girls to not be treated like adults at a young age, to not be hypersexualized and not deemed as masculine and unworthy of protection.

I actually did find quite a few BW like that but also I got a lot of death threats, crazy messages and general cattiness. Facebook can be pretty messy anyway but I got sick of the constant drama. I found out some things about my favorite "bwe" bloggers that made me change my view on them! so I decided to delete the page and I feel much better :)

But you know what I noticed? That a lot of BW only like, comment on and share things that are about dissing black guys, exposing anti-bw and/or colorist celebrities, crime, etc. My posts about losing weight, makeup, skin care and job opportunities/college had the least activity. Some BW claim to want to move on but they seriously don't want to. They recognize that they need to leave the Black community behind but are all talk and no action. You have to do more than move out of Blackistan, you have to stop reading toxic articles, un-friend troublesome people,etc.

What really makes me laugh is how African-Americans like to tell other black people from Latin America or Europe that we aren't the same as them and shouldn't use their slang and don't identify with them. Not just online but in real life I have been excluded by African-Americans once they found out that I was born in a Latin country. I have been told on numerous occasions that I do not understand what it's like for African-Americans because I am "hispanic" and therefore have a different experience. But if I refer to myself as brown as I do on my blog, then people get upset at that, too. "So...what, we can't be black anymore?" *sigh* So what is it?

I did not grow up privileged. The hoods of America aren't the worst places in the world so miss me with that. I will not share my personal story but know that I was the poster child of forgotten children: poor, black, female, immigrant, foster care, inner city, etc. I found a way out of that, I found a way to be happy and make a place for myself in the world. I am still young but I have created a life for myself that doesn't involve the tale of woe that so many BW like to share with the world. I'm sick of those movies like Precious, Tyler Perry, etc. and the constant articles online of BW crying about BM not wanting them, racism this, racism that. Some people are addicted to dysfunction and if you value yourself you will separate yourself from all negativity, purge the pain out of your life and morph into the woman you want to be. Transformations are not exclusive to hollywood movies and tv shows, you have the power of determining your future if you actually put effort into it.

Even if only one person reads this blog and learns a new technique or discovers a new hobby they didn't know about then I will be happy. I have decided to change this blog a little. I will be posting what advice I can give and find for certain topics. I am here for other young, like-minded BW who are interested in social status, higher education, marriage/relationships, being nice and friendly, losing and maintaining normal weight, beauty advice, goal setting, wealth resources, etc. and any other things I think we should share.

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Anyway.....

I'm sure we all have met people who purposely tried to distract us, throw us off our game or hurt our self esteem. It especially hurts when it comes from someone we love. There's no magic cure for the people who do it and there's no way to get people to stop. It's a part of life. We are going to run into people who, for one reason or another, don't like us or don't want us to achieve something. It's not your responsibility to change them, the only thing you can do is not let them succeed at it. 

Whether you are into something that isn't stereotypically "black" like cosplay or hockey, if you are in a sub-culture besides the urban scene, or interracially date, there will be people who will try to make you feel like you are doing something wrong. They'll try to embarrass you, try to force you to explain why you do it, try to convince you that you're crazy, etc. Not only have you seen it, by I have witnessed it countless times. I believe the reason why they do this is because you do not fit into the box they want to put you in and it makes them more comfortable

Here are some of the things you may have heard:

-"Black people don't do _________________". This is said to "other" you and make you feel outcasted. The intent is to make you want to fit in and conform to their standards.

-"After all the horrible things white people did, how can you date one?" This is supposed to guilt you out of dating who you want. Don't ever feel guilty for wanting to date who treats you right regardless of race.

-"You'll never be accepted by white people" This one cracks me up because I certainly don't expect all white people to accept me nor do I want them to. I'm not a people pleaser and I don't care who is okay with my choices. You shouldn't be either. Besides, it's not like the black community will accept you for who you are. 

-"My cousins/brothers/daddy/uncle are black and they dont act like that! Don't paint all BM with the same brush". When BW bloggers say f&*k BM, we don't mean each and every one because it is impossible to know the mindset of each BM...we mean the collective. It is painfully clear that BM do not like or respect us. They have been trying to seperate themselves from us for DECADES yet some BW are still blind and want to continue to march and cape for them. I see young black boys like pitbull puppies. They are cute while small but I know they will become a threat when they get older.

-"White men only want you for sex". Any bm don't? Why are 70% of black kids born out of wedlock?

-A common one said by white feminists is, "ALL women face domestic violence, street harassment, etc. Why do you have to make it about race?" We may face the same issues but they are handled differently due to racism. The police are less likely to help a BW being abused, judges are less likely to prosecute the aggressor of a BW.

The point of saying these things is to distract you from whatever you are doing, They want to persuade, guilt or shame you into thinking like them. My biggest piece of advice is not to engage in conversation with these people. Don't try to explain yourself to them, just ignore it. If they get pushy then say "I don't want to discuss this with you" give them a quick smile and remove yourself from the conversation. Walk away, go back to your work, start a conversation with someone else, etc. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your life choices.

I have a few posts drafted up and almost ready to post. The holidays have made my job very busy and I got married! The wedding was here in Northern California and we had a second ceremony in Switzerland for his family. I hope the Holidays treat you well. Take care!

Taking care of your body: EXERCISE!

No matter what your body shape is (see below) it is very very important to take care of it. Not just for attracting a high value man, but for optimal health, a longer life and your mental health. Yes, taking care of your body will raise your self esteem! Even if you are not yet at the goal weight and shape that you want just putting time and effort into improving your body will make you feel better about yourself. You will begin to see yourself as something worth investing in and loving.

Most people consider hourglass to be "the sexiest" but I have to disagree! All body shapes are beautiful and should be celebrated! It doesn't matter if you are top heavy or bottom heavy or not heavy at all. It's more about how toned you are and in-shape. I believe a trim waist, shapely legs and toned arms are the most important. Having a big butt, big chest or a thigh-gap is not important. Strive to be the best YOU and not compare yourself to another woman because we are all different.

Along with exercise, diet is very important. In fact, I would say that diet is MORE important but I will make another post for that.

Here was my starting regime:

Monday-stretch, 30 minutes cardio (elliptical or treadmill), ab workout, stretch

Tuesday-stretch, 15 minutes cardio, 15 minute arm workout, stretch

Wednesday-rest

Thursday-stretch, 15 minutes cardio, 15 minutes leg workout, stretch

Friday-stretch, 30 minutes cardio, ab workout, stretch

Saturday-rest

Sunday-stretch, fun class (zumba, ab blaster, tahitian dancing, etc.), stretch

*Every two weeks, increase your time/number of reps. For instance, in two weeks, go from 30 minutes on the elliptical to 40. Increase from 15 minutes on your arms to 20. Slow increases help prevent injuries.

*Keep track of the weight and number of reps you are doing. Example: lifting 20 lbs or doing 15 push ups at a time

Here are some videos on youtube that I suggest using in beginning your exercise regime.

Stretching your bottom half:

Stretching your top half:

Ab workout (my fav):

Leg workout:

Arm workout:

Thanks for reading!

Attaching your ego to frivolous things

One thing I have noticed about women is that our egos are commonly attached to things that aren't that important. If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought she was better than the next because she didn't wear makeup or has a certain body shape or a college degree, I would be a millionaire!

I think women do this because they have created standards and set of rules in their mind on how others should live their lives. They get on their pedestal and preach about how men like this or men don't like that or "women who do this are _____". In reality they aren't concerned at all about teaching or helping people improve their lives. They attach their body shape, skin condition, lack of plastic surgery or makeup or their relationship status to their self worth. Well, guess what? You are no better than the person who does the opposite.

I blog about femininity and feminine things. I have an interest in makeup, dating, romance, fitness, being a homemaker, etc but I don't dislike women who do not care about this. I believe we all have a place in this world and if we are all the same life would be terribly boring. That may sound corny but that's the way I was raised. The smallest ant is no less significant than a human being, we have our purpose in life. Our Creator made me a biological woman for a reason and I intend to embrace it as much as I can in this modern world that tries it's best to convince me that I'm wrong.

To the women, especially BW, if you feel you do not need makeup then GOOD FOR YOU. I am glad that you are confident but you aren't more "real" than the next women who wears cosmetics. Sorry to break it to you. The amount of makeup you don't wear does not represent your character. You may be more natural but your attitude and judgement of others is an uglier trait than the acne scars someone else is covering up. Now THAT is what is unattractive to men. And when women don't wear makeup or wear perfume, it doesn't mean they don't care about themselves.

I know it's impossible to get all women to stop attacking and judging one another but I just had to get this off my chest. I have seen it all my life and it has always bugged me. Especially in this day and age where material things seem to be more important than human beings. If you do not have an expensive car, designer clothes or other unnecessary stuff than you are not "normal". I don't know about you but I would rather be around people with morals and values than people who don't. I'd rather have a best friend with acne and a kind heart than one with beautiful skin and is a backstabber.

ALSO, I have noticed BW go out of their way to diss women of other races. You are making yourself look bad. You know how people think we are jealous of them? Well, that's how you look when you go out of your way to attack another woman. What's the point of going to a WW's youtube channel and saying that we BW age better? Who are you trying to convince? We know that our melanin affords us to look more youthful, there's no need to brag about it. The world can see our beauty, we don't need to shout it from the rooftop. The things that I have heard from WM who date BW is that not only do we stay youthful but we are more down to earth and humble than most women nowadays. Being humble is an attractive trait.The goal is to be confident in yourself, not bring other people down.

Being an Angry BW is understandable but don't let it take over your life!

Why are BW angry? How we can stop being angry?

Short answer: We are the victims of racism and sexism. We can stop being angry by not giving a f&*k! LOL

First, let's define anger. Anger is an emotional response to one's psychological interpretation of feeling threatened. Anger is based upon projection of fear.

Feeling threatened as a BW is completely understandable seeing as how we face discrimination from both racists and sexists. We have the unique experience of being Black and a woman. The women who march, protest and rally for Black male victims of violent racism are the women who focus only on racism; they do not see or care that they face sexism from the very same men who they risk their lives protecting. These women do not see how these very same men are the ones who do not protect them when they are victims of racism, too. They believe that if there were no racism then their lives would be easier but that is not the case. They still would be oppressed because they are women. They refuse to accept the fact that we are not the preference of “our” men . They refuse to see that the modern BM's response to racism is not to rebuild the community and be self-sufficient, but to get revenge on the WM who oppress them and the BW who failed to raise them to be real men.

BW are not bitter, we are disappointed. Modern BM are the bitter ones. They punish women who remind them of their mother because they blame her for failing to raise him and teach him how to be on level with WM, AM and HM. He knows that he can't compete so instead of improving himself and encouraging other BM to do the same, he resents his own mother instead of his absent father (isn't that funny?). The ultimate revenge for him is to “steal” a WW, AW or HW from their men who show him up in every way and try to “taint” that women and produce children that are half him. It's all a game to get revenge but instead of hurting WM, he is entertaining them. Every other race is laughing at his desperate attempt to get even instead of get on par. If BP back in the day had continued to build up Black America instead of integrate with White America, the BC wouldn't be in the state it is now.

Black women are angry because we are intelligent. We see the world for what it is and deep inside we know what the BM's agenda is. We handle this higher awareness by becoming angry. We stew in the anger and turn it inward, that's when it becomes depression, low-self esteem and other self-destructive behavior.

What should we do about anger? Get rid of the self-destructive habits that are caused by anger but keep enough (a small amount) to fuel the spirit to do better! Turn the disappointment from the BC into motivation to improve our lives. Not just your own life but for our daughters, nieces, sisters, friends and neighbors. I don't expect every BW to jump on board as we have been brainwashed to hate ourselves, thus some of us hate each other. I have hate in my heart for NO ONE but I saw the world, especially the BC for what it is at a VERY young age.

Here are some tips for letting go of anger:

1. Acknowledge it
2. Seek help. I'm a big believer in therapy.
3. Channel it. Not only will exercise help you mentally but physically as well. Same with creative outlets like writing poetry and singing.
4. Decide that you don't want to add hate to this world.
5. Replace revenge and seeking justice with a plan to strive for a better life.

BW need to concentrate less on the negative things about us on the tv, radio and social media. Purge your life from the bull crap! What do you think WW, AW and HW do when they read a negative article or blogpost or someone makes a joke about them? Brush it off and keep doing them. They know they are desired and work on themselves to get the best in education, jobs and men. BW should do the same. We are desired, too. Men of all races love them some sistas, don't let butthurt BM or mammies tell you any different. You may have to move to Europe or change your whereabouts (move to a more populated places like NYC or London, get a job in a male-dominated field, hang out in social hangouts that you normally wouldn't) but there are men out there who not only like BW but prefer us. The next time a comedian makes a joke about BW, do not get riled up and give your energy to this fool! Make a note to make sure not to give this person your resources (time and money) and keep it moving. Let the BM spend his time fighting racism and let the white feminists spend their time fighting sexism. Both these groups have proven that they don't care about BW so forget them! You've got better things to do sista! Like building a fabulous life and enjoying the fruit of your labor and social climbing ;)

From now on, I want you to pledge to yourself that you will dedicate your time to things that are beneficial to your emotional, mental, financial, education and romantic well-being. Despite what you may have heard, BW are naturally beautiful, feminine, intelligent, sexy and creative. We deserve better but to get better we must learn how to respect and love ourselves.

Here is a list of what I will be concentrating on. I'd like for you to take a look at it and come up with your own list of what you'd like to do with all the free time that you have now.

1. Obtaining an advanced degree.
2. Visiting at least 4 more countries.
3. Having a fun and memorable wedding.
4. Losing weight.
5. Finishing the list of books I want to read.
6. Becoming more cultured.
7. Starting a non-profit.
8. Creating multiple streams of income.
9. Buying my first house.
10. Expanding my skill set for access to better jobs and more opportunities for side businesses.
11. Learning a third or fourth language.
12. Improving my water color painting skills.
13. Blogging.
14. Building a fabulous wardrobe.
15. Learning more about fashion and making my own clothing.
16. Growing my hair to waist length.
17. Publish my own cookbook.

If you have any questions or comments, leave a comment below and I will get back to you. I can also be reached at enlightenedfemme (at) gmail.com

First class treatment-Demanding respect

I have a series of posts called "FIRST CLASS TREATMENT". It's about demanding respect, repairing your image and attracting high quality men and friends. Here is the first installment.

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Don't deny yourself first class treatment!

For the most part, people will treat you: 1) how you treat yourself or 2) how you let them.

Have you ever had an issue with someone treating you badly? Lying to you, stealing from you, saying rude, disrespectful things? Or even making empty promises?

Why do you think this person is acting this way? Could it be that they think you don't deserve respect? Could it be their personal problem, a reflection of the issues they have with themselves/the world? Are you telling them to treat you this way? I say it's all three!

How should you deal with said behavior?

According to the Law of Effect, the events following an action will weaken or strengthen the likelihood that it will occur again.

How does this play into the feminine Black woman's life? It's no secret that Black women have a reputation for allowing low-value, trifling men into our lives, our bank accounts, our wombs and our hearts. There are many reasons for this: low self esteem, ignorance about healthy relationships, mental illness, drug problems, little to no dating options (settling), low standards, etc. If we continue to allow this, we will be extinct. We will continue to be unhappy, unmarried women, single mothers and continue to be victims of domestic violence and even murder! Yes, murder. I know you've seen articles about Black women being killed by their partners or even their children being killed by partners. It's time for us to learn how to pick suitable mates. This involves identifying key patterns in falling prey to faulty men, dating techniques, education about domestic violence and how maintain a healthy relationship.

Let's start with acknowledging why some women allow men to treat them badly and how to stop it and attract better men (and friends).

Don't put up with destructive, disrespectful behavior!
Command respect by having displaying values, manners and expecting the same from people. When you don't set standards for the way you are to be treated, people will treat you however they wish. Some will be kind but others won't. There will be times when you have to deal with people and have no way around it, like at work.

If someone does or says something rude, bring it up. Explain to them that what they did offended you and how it made you feel but don't accuse them. People can get hostile if they feel like you are pointing a finger at them. A simple statement, such as "Hey___, that comment you made was in poor taste and it offended me. That's not very (professional, nice, insert adjective here)." Anyone with manners or a brain will realize that they messed up. That statements demands an apology and sometimes an explanation (if what they said wasn't meant to offend but just came out wrong instead). If they don't apologize, then you know this person is not someone to continue socializing with.

It's important to let someone know that you will not tolerate such behavior. It warns them that if they continue, they will lose you. You don't want to be around people who don't respect your boundaries. If you always turn the cheek, you will end up with a sore face! Believe me, I am very meek in nature and I've had many situations where I've learned how to stick up for myself.

Exude confidence through your body language.
Having good posture does more for you then make you look taller! Non-verbal signals also tell people how to react to you. Crossing you arms makes you look guarded, staring at the ground while you walk and talk makes you seem as though you think you don't deserve to look people in the eye (low confidence), fidgeting gives off the vibe that you are insecure or bored. How would people who don't know you react to this? They may be aggressive to you because your crossed arms will make it seem as though you are a defensive person.

Sometimes, we get nervous and give off these non-verbal signals on accident but it's important to fix this because you may be giving off clues on your self treatment and not even know it. Have a friend observe you in your natural state and give feedback on how you carry yourself and try to correct them. Google is your friend :)

Show people what is important to you by treating yourself like a princess.
Spending time and putting effort into the things that matter to you show people that you care about yourself and that it's important to you. People will know that they need to HONOR them. Calling sick into work or class to hang out with your friends will show them that your job is less important than having a good time with them. Eventually they will start disrespecting your responsibilities and even you! Stopping by late at night, interrupting your study time, etc. That's not what you want or deserve. Teach people how to treat you by treating yourself.


Stay tuned for more, princess. xoxo

Feminine Tips-General Beauty (kind of long post)

Hey sweethearts, how are you and how was your 4th of July weekend?

I've been reading many articles and books on helping women recognize their femininity and improve on it. I think it's been a struggle for ALL women to look and feel like the woman they want to be because the society we live in now encourages women to be the opposite. Here are some that I have noted:

1. Highlight your positive features.
Do you have big eyes? Wear mascara. Small waist? Wear a pencil skirt. A nice smile? Smile more often. Knowing that there's something about you that you like and that is attractive builds confidence.

2. Style your hair in a flattering way.
Find a style that frames your face shape, a color that suits your skin tone and an appropriate length and maintenance that fits your lifestyle. I'm not into the whole natural versus relaxed debate. I believe it's up to the individual to assess what fits their wants and needs. I happen to love braids, updos, twist outs and layered straight styles on Black women.

3. Embrace your curves but maintain a healthy weight.
This is a big problem among Black women. Yes, we are naturally curvy but many seem to take that as a reason to not take care of their figure. There is a thin line between curvy and thick and sloppy. Not only is a toned body more attractive and feminine but it's a lot healthier to maintain a healthy weight. Diabetes, high blood pressure, and kidney and heart diseases are well known risks of being overweight.

These women range from thin to average to bigger/muscular. All very toned, in shape and feminine.

4. Have clear, soft, buttery skin.
Black women come in various shades. Which one you are does not matter. What is more important is having clear, healthy and blemish free skin. I advocate for an effective skin care regimen, which should include a cleanser, serum, mask and do NOT forget sunscreen. Black people aren't immune to skin cancer; in fact there are forms of skin cancer exclusive to people with melanin. There are many vitamins and supplements that can help with achieving beautiful skin.

5. Wear pretty lingerie.
It's hard to explain in words but there's something satisfying and sexy about wearing lingerie, especially lacy lingerie. Give it a try ;)

6. Smell good.
Wear a perfume or some kind of scent all the time (if you can). It will brighten your mood and attract men lol. A high quality perfume can be pretty pricey but there are alternatives. Eau de parfums are slightly less concentrated than perfumes but still strong. Eau de toilette is even less concentrated and lasts less time on the skin. Eau fraiche has less than 3% of perfume oil. I do not suggest body sprays as they do not last longer than an hour and can smell very alcohol-y.

I also suggest layering scents. What that means is use bar soap and/or body wash, then lotion and then perfume, all the same scent of course. For instance, use vanilla scented body bar soap to cleanse, then slather on vanilla scented body butter then apply a perfume that goes along with it. You will smell good all day.

7. Don't smell cheap or artificial.
Stick to scents found in nature, like floral, citrus, or spicy scents. Nothing like sugar or bubble gum, as it screams fake and juvenile.

8. Keep your nails done.
Whether you prefer your natural nails, shellac or acrylic/gel overlay, keeping your nails done makes you look more polished. Nude or pink nails fit every occasion. Red nail polish is sophisticated and perfect for an important event. Bright, fun colors look best on the toes. As for designs, that's up to you but there's a very thin line between creative and tacky.

9. Smile sincerely or not at all.
I am all for Black women smiling but don't do it unless it is genuine. It will come off like this:

instead of this:

10. Wear clothes that fit and stick to a classic style.
Not only does this look good but it saves you money. Buying staples/classics and leaving the trends to the accessories is more cost effective.

You can use accessories like jewelry, watches, scarves and handbags (purses) to try out new trends and colors.

11. Wear dresses and skirts, flowy material and feminine patterns.
They look so beautiful!

Those are just a few of my tips. I have more for your inner femininity, too. However, it's very late and I need my beauty sleep :) I will post more soon. Please leave comments and questions below! I love to hear from you all! I read all my comments and can be reached via email at enlightenedfemme (at) gmail.com

Thanks for reading! xoxo

The important of the feminine black woman's image

It's widely known that your image and attitude dictates the perception people have about you and affects your everyday life. Your personal image is composed of a number of elements: the way you dress, your posture, the way you talk, the way you walk, etc. TAKE CARE OF YOUR PERSONAL IMAGE!

Some might say, what does it matter what people think of you? What does being Black have to do with it?

which group of women look like they have respectable jobs, loving husbands, own homes and businesses and have a high self-esteem and respect for themselves?

What does it matter and what does being black have to do with it?
Well, for starters other's perceptions are important to us during job interviews, at work, when building friendships and business partnerships, when dating, when going grocery shopping, etc. How many times a day do you think people judge one another and make decisions based on  their perception? Do you think you can walk into an interview with unbrushed teeth, wearing sweats and slouching?

Image is important because we have to really jump through hoops to get ahead and the first obstacle is being able to live without other people assuming we are aggressive, lazy, loud, obnoxious, etc. Dressing well, being on time, having manners, being able to hold thoughtful conversations, etc are all things that successful people do to achieve their goals and we need to support each other in doing so.

Racism, sexism, classism are things that affect many of us and make it hard to get a job, start a business and such but what intelligent person in their right mind wouldn't hire a well spoken, sharply dressed college grad because she is Black? If they don't then they are missing out and don't deserve to know you anyway ;) Trust me, many doors will open if you take care of your image/personal brand. Image is everything, whether you like it or not.

I encourage you to reflect and see where you can improve, whether it's switching up your style, practicing the art of conversation, smiling more or even basic etiquette skills that you never learned. Please leave a comment if you have any tips!

Finding inspiration in your journey (non-celebs)

We all need someone to look up to for motivation and inspiration. As young black women, our potential role models are limited to risque, hyper-sexualized entertainers such as Beyonce or Rihanna. Not bashing those two as I like their music (sometimes) but they don't come across classy at all and send across a wrong message to young girls.

There are quite a few Black women I've discovered here on the internet that I look to for style, lifestyle and general inspiration. All beautiful black women!

TheLuxeBabe

She's a gorgeous, well spoken woman with a tall model-like figure and such classy style! Not only that but she is educated, speaks multiple languages and is happily married. I think she's from Germany but I could be wrong. She has a love for cosmetics (like me) but doesn't over do it and apply it heavily like a drag queen like some other sisters on youtube do. TheLuxeBabe is a good role model for women who value elegance and grace.

Shirley B. Eniang

Shirley is a fashion blogger/vlogger from the UK. Isn't her accent adorable? I adore her style of dress because it's classy but also youthful, hip and sexy! She doesn't over do it on the makeup either and maintains a healthy lifestyle with healthy eating and exercise. Her figure is to die for and she is also educated! She is a breath of fresh air.

Derin (http://wonders-of-beauty.blogspot.com/)
Derin is a blogger from the UK. Her smooth dark skin and taste in makeup is what made me subscribe. Her hair extensions look realistic and well maintained and from the comment section of her posts, she is a sweetheart.

If there are any bloggers/vloggers/youtube women that you think represent a feminine, classy young Black woman, please leave their info in the comments. I would love to hear from you all!

Moving On

Black women have an image of being bitter and angry, both of which are understanding because many of us are born into bad situations and suffer. Unfortunately, some of us are born into single-parent homes with a stressed out mother trying to provide for the family, grew up in unsafe neighborhoods with a bad public school system and many other sad circumstances. Sexual abuse and domestic violence are big issues in the black community and are often ignored. If you bring these topics up around other Black people, you will get accused of "airing our dirty laundry to the white folks". Yes, people still talk like that in 2014. LOL! So the Black community is aware of the problems many Black women have but they still criticize us for being damaged because of it. Makes no sense, huh? We are brainwashed, degraded and abused and told to "get over it". Well, that's what we will do :) And when we are over it, we will leave those negative people behind and live the life we desire!

As black women, having a bad background can no longer be an excuse for us. Being angry and bitter is what is expected and is holding us back. I strongly recommend seeing a therapist. A college professor once told me that the people who deny needing mental health services are the ones who need it the most! Everyone needs someone to talk to, someone to help them deal with the stress life brings but it's very very important for a damaged woman to seek these services. There is a stigma of having a mental illness like depression and anxiety in American society but even more so in the Black community because it is considered a "white people's problem" and we are told that we have to be strong all the time! We have been strong since we were enslaved and brought to this country and its time to let go. Its time to that that extra weight off and be spiritually free. It's not possible for anyone to be strong all the time without breaking and we shouldn't have to.

I will talk more about mental illness in a later post. This post will be about things you can do outside of professional services. These are some tips to start healing yourself and becoming the feminine, lovely Black queen that you are! It all starts in your head.

Moving on and letting go:

1. Get it out. Write in a journal, tell a therapist or trusted person, sing or even draw about what is inside of you, what is hurting. Having pent up anger, sadness, anxiety will only make the wounds hurt more. You will never be able to get over things if you hold onto them!

2. Leave the past behind. The man who played you and left you with children to fend for yourselves, the father who abandoned you, the bully who made you feel small, the teacher who didn't believe in you are all in your past. Do you think they are losing sleep over what they did to you? No! Accept your enemies, bullies and even failed goals/dreams and prepare to move on. Don't move on with the intention of impressing these people with your success. Don't do it for them. They aren't thinking of you, remember?

 Just because someone hurt you doesn't mean that's what you deserve. Just because someone made you feel like you are ugly, doesn't make you ugly. Just because someone told you that you are stupid doesn't mean that you are stupid! The way someone treats you says more about them than about you. Abuse turns into a cycle. There is a saying: "Hurt people hurt people". It's true! One damaged person hurts an innocent person, then that once innocent person takes out their anger on someone else, who in turn hurts someone else. The cycle needs to stop WITH YOU. Your offspring shouldn't suffer from your bad dating habits and be exposed to no-good men just because your father abandoned you and you never learned how to attract a respectful, high quality man. Your spouse should not have to put up with your attitude problem because you distrust all men because of sour relationships with previous boyfriends. It's true that all women suffer from this but it is important as a Black woman to be aware of this vicious cycle and correct it because the odds are stacked against us and we have a negative image that makes things hard for us to move up and move on.
Don't feel bad about what happened to you sista, feel relieved that it is over. Feel grateful that you survived and can learn from this experience.

3. Figure out what you want in life, but do not put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect. Society already does that job for you =/ Be honest with yourself and set achievable but challenging goals. Our goals should serve as a map to get exactly where we want to go.

4. Forget about perfection! Chasing perfection is chasing the unachievable. Learn from mistakes instead of getting discouraged by them.

5. Become an early riser. When you have more time in your day to complete tasks, learn, explore hobbies, etc. you will feel more wholesome and it will raise your confidence and sense of self. Having a pleasant present and a promising future will help you get over your past and maybe even make you feel grateful for it! Adversity builds character.

6. Get rid of negativity. Get rid of toxic friends, men who disrespect you, people who don't have your best interest at heart. Don't let racist people hurt your feelings, don't let sexist people make you feel like less of a woman. Don't let feminazis make you feel guilty for expressing your femininity. You deserve to be happy. Block out the negativity and you will have more room for the positivity and growth!

7. Do more by doing less. Do more of what produces good results and less of what doesn't.

8. Make this journey fun. Discover what makes you smile, laugh and feel warm inside and do these things often. Your smile is beautiful, your laughter is musical and your spirit is pure. You deserve to do these things and the world needs to see it! Have fun and enjoy your life while working hard to make your goals a reality.

Thanks for reading this post and I hope this is helpful to you all.