On Being Defensive

Thank you for the emails with suggestions. I look forward to making more posts and to hearing from you all. I have made a list of what you want to read and I will do my best to get them out in a timely manner. Here is something I wrote while bored in my history class last quarter (I HATE HISTORY BY THE WAY lol.)
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"Minds are like parachutes, they work better when they are open."

I observe BW. Online and in person. I not only observe what people say about BW but what BW say to themselves, to other people, about themselves, about other ppl, about other BW, etc. and I have noticed that it is very VERY easy to upset a BW! Not only is it easy but for some people it is fun. Yes, seeing a BW go off is a source of entertainment for some. I know there are people who lurk BW-centered FB pages and blogs and find it entertaining all the crazy stuff people talk about. "BM only like light skinned/white women!" "BM made me feel bad my whole life, I hate BM!" It's drama and it's useless to be honest because what is the point in sharing your pain with the world? The world doesn't deserve to see it because they don't know how to handle it! Our position as BW is a unique one. Very few people (writers, poets, singers) have expressed it accurately so society does not understand or care. Your pain, anger, inner turmoil should be reserved for a professional who can help you get rid of it and understand it, such a psychiatrist or a therapist. Someone who can help you grow and function well enough that you are achieving your goals and dreams.

But anyway...

Don't let your defensiveness get in the way of getting what you want! I have noticed that many BW emotionally over-respond especially online. It is best to STOP being defensive and learn to grab opportunities while they are around and IGNORE things that do not apply to you. You can be offended by something and not respond!

I say continue to read and study materials that will help you (dating, fitness, financial) even if they don't focus on you or if they say something that you don't agree with because the information is what you want, not the attention or the coddling. You don't have to agree with everything, not everyone has the same views as you and that's okay as long as you get what you need from it.

There is a dating blog from a guy's perspective that I like. He is genuinely trying to help women. I find his advice spot on but on one post he said that BW's beautiful bodies and other features make up for "imperfect hair". In the comment section there were BW who are upset with the term he used. While I don't agree with the way he said it, I respect his opinion. WHY? Because I don't expect a WM who has never (as far as I know) dated a BW to appreciate our natural hair. He said straight hair looks better on all women which is what a lot of American men think. They grew up with sexualized tv ads and magazines shoving European beauty standards down their throat so of course that's what they want! I feel like Americans are brainwashed in some sort of way but that's for another day ;) While I think straight long hair can look great on some BW depending on her bone structure, it's not the best style for everyone. I think hair is a touchy subject for most BW and we shouldn't get mad at others for not understanding how much of a big deal it is. Hair topics always strike a nerve with BW and I understand completely. We have a reason to be upset over being judged by something we were conditioned to hate and see in a bad light. Most of us were permed and hot combed at an age too young to know what was going on. But guess what? Other people don't have this experience and don't understand why it's such a big deal so when you get upset or go off they don't understand that either and will get defensive as well. My advice is to remind yourself of our unique position in society and give other people the benefit of the doubt when they are misinformed or say something ignorant.

BE OPEN to knowledge and advice from all places and viewpoints because there is always something you can take away from it. The easiest way for me is to think of myself is as a project. I made a list of things I wanted to change about myself, a list of criticism I have heard from other people and a list of things possessed by the ideal woman I want to be. I suggest making one for yourself. Once you understand what you need to improve on and why as well as the benefits of improvement, you will feel less self-conscious and when someone brings up your weakness (even in a rude way)  you will think to yourself (I already know and I'm working on it!). You won't get defensive and will respond in a classy way instead of with anger.

Ex:
Random woman in Target: "You are too young to have a belly, girl. I wouldn't let my daughter let herself go like that"
You:"B&%^$  you don't know me! You are so rude, who do you think you are!?"

or

Random woman in Target:  "You are too young to have a belly, girl. I wouldn't let my daughter let herself go like that"
You: "Well, I've been working out lately and can't wait to see the results! What does your daughter do to stay fit? I'd love to know *smiles*"
Random woman: *confused that they weren't cursed out* *walks away*

Now that example is a little silly but I've seen similar interactions. People who are rude towards BW aren't just racist people but anyone who is aware how easy it is to tick off a BW. It's a source of entertainment for some, unfortunately. While I don't believe we can prevent people from coming at us sideways, we can change the way we react to it. Not only does it deter those people from attempting to make you uncomfortable again, but also lets potential dates or platonic friends from both genders know that you are kind, non-argumentative, open-minded and even-tempered. Who wants to be friends with someone who gets upset easily?

You may be thinking, what does it matter what other people think, only what I think of myself matters! That's not the whole truth. You should be content with yourself but what other certain people think does matter because friends are important, your relationship with your boss and colleagues are important, your relationship with your landlord is important, etc. Your attitude and ability to interact with people contribute to your reputation and trust me, a woman who cannot hold her temper, take constructive criticism, ignore and/ or deflect shade determines your ability to network and move ahead. No one wants to be around someone who is hyper-sensitive and is a ticking time bomb for a temper tantrum.

And if that person's comment doesn't pertain to you or isn't true, you can brush it off your shoulders. Believe it or not, bullying doesn't end in middle school. There are grown people walking around with a chip on their shoulders and they go out of their way to be rude and insult others. Being mean makes some people feel good. It's not your fault at all so just brush it off your beautiful shoulders and don't take it personally :)

The biggest hurdle in self-improvement is being strong enough to look inside yourself and be honest. I have faith that you can improve yourself even though I don't know you. How? Because the simple fact that you are reading this blog and others shows that you are interested in letting go, engaging with other BW, learning and setting goals for yourself and moving forward.

The point of this post is to say that when you take offense to something very easily it is because you are over- sensitive to it. You have a vested interest in it and that is holding you back from seeing the truth and reacting accordingly. Your personal goal should be to recognize when this is happening and nip it in the bud. When you feel yourself getting upset, remind yourself that your emotions can make you react in the wrong way and that if you think more logically at this time, you can get a better reaction and diffuse the situation. I would like to see more of my Black/biracial sisters react to haters in a more confident, controlled and even playful way. The next time someone says something rude to you just take a deep breath and smile, even if you are angry! Show your pretty smile and either say nothing at all or something polite and vague. "You think so? Interesting...." Then sashay away ^_^

Talk to you all tomorrow!
xoxo

Learning Confidence: A journey for young black girls

Over the holidays I received an email from the sweetest high school student. She emailed me introducing herself and can I say that I have second-hand pride from the words she wrote!? She's 16, a high school student, also college student and has an interest in raising her self esteem. She has the drive, intelligence and motivation to go very far in life. I love hearing about young black girls who have so much potential!

Anyway, she mentioned being walked on by people, both friends and boys and wants some info on how to raise her self esteem after years of that. I completely understand and I will add that I know how frustrating it is when people tell black women that we need to "get ourselves together" and stop being so insecure", etc. and then say something vague like "if you knew better you do better", "black women STAY losing", etc. This kind of delivery makes the message seem like it's not so much "You need to raise your self esteem" and more "I do not like/value you" and they are trying to justify it by making it your fault. The reason I say that is because when you like/want someone and want to give constructive criticism won't you be respectful, empathetic and kind? It takes more than just "don't talk to people like that" or "like attracts like, so it must be something you're doing that's attracting people like that". (That second statement has some truth to it but I will get into that in another post I have drafted up)

While trying to respond to her I kept thinking back to when I was her age and I had low self esteem and what I did to change it. It took a long time for me to change my way of thinking and IT WILL TAKE YOU SOME TIME AS WELL. Think about it, how did you start to dislike things about you? We aren't born with low self esteem. We aren't born thinking our bodies aren't beautiful or our skin is too dark or our hobbies are meaningless. We were programmed at young ages to dislike ourselves and conform to what the black community wants us to be! Yes, relaxing black girls hair at a young age, the little lightskin/dark skin references, jokes about "african" features all play a part in our perception of what standards we need to hold ourselves to. What kind of community considers light skin, thin nose and light eyes as the standard of beauty when the majority of women don't have those features? A messed up one, that's what!

What is the answer to this programming? Well, it is to deprogram! Yes, 2015 is the year of deprogramming. You didn't develop low self esteem in five easy steps so you can't raise it in five easy steps lol so instead of doing one post on how to be more confident I am going to post about all the things that affect your self esteem and what to do about it.

This entire year is going to be about purging self-depreciating thoughts, bad habits, bad friends, bad men, etc. The goal is for us to be OVER IT. The first step is purging. Don't you routinely go through your fridge, beauty products and purse to get rid of things that are no longer useful or have no purpose to you anymore? Well don't you think it's time to do that to your life!!? To purge is to rid yourself of all things that are dysfunctional and destructive. I want you to do this:

-Go into your iTunes and delete ALL rap and hiphop music. ALL of it!

-Also delete depressing music of all genres. The R&B songs that are begging a lying, cheating man to come back to them, the whining songs about love and just anything that screams "woe is me"

-Go into your facebook and stop following (or unfriend, your choice) people who post things like girl fights, twerking videos, racism statuses, woman-bashing statuses, anti-bw statuses, etc.

-Stay off of sites like nowaygirl, worldstar, basically anything that showcases BW in the worst light

-Distance yourself from people who continue to make bad life decisions. No one is perfect but people who continue to make horrible life decisions need more help than any friend can give (therapy). This sounds mean but I distanced myself from my single mother friends. We are still cool but I got sick of being put down by people who felt like they had the right to say things like "being a single mommy is so hard. You don't know what it's like to struggle. I can't wait until you have kids and you'll be this tired/irritated/depressed. You're lucky". Nooo I'm not lucky, I'm smart. I know how to use birth control. And then turn around and ask me to babysit or lend them money. I may come across elitist sometimes but I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I just have high standards for myself and don't let people put me down in any way, shape or form and I highly suggest you start practicing this as well. Don't let backhanded compliments slide and don't let people bring you down with them. Don't let your broke friends treat you like an atm. If they need something, take them to the food bank. If they don't have a job, keep an eye out for always put yourselves first. If they really love you AND themselves they will appreciate it in the long run. Trust me.

-Get rid of books written by Steve Harvey or any dating books that aren't written by women

-Get rid of your Tyler Perry Collection

-Get rid of those "ghetto" or "hood literature" books about crime, stripping, drugs, dysfunctional "black love" relationships and/or gold digging (if you want to marry a well-to-do/financially stable man I can post about that, just don't read these ratchet books)

-Cut off toxic people. If you know someone who is always telling you your ideas/opinions are invalid, tries to sabotage you, is not interested in self-improvement at all, distance yourself away. They could be a good person but they don't need to be that close to you because once you accomplish your goals and make more, they will try to guilt you into not accomplishing more. "You're going for another job? There are people out there who need it more than you do! Don't be greedy!", "those degrees won't keep you warm at night, let me hook you up with my cousin ray ray who just got out of jail and needs a woman", "you're standards are too high, no guy will live up to them especially for a black woman. Educated men don't like black women because _____" or anything like that.

-Make a list of the things you like about yourself, pick a cute font and pretty colors and add a background to it. For instance, "I am trustworthy and an awesome friend" over a background of a beautiful beach or a basket of kittens. Tape these papers around your room where you can see them everyday.

-Make a list of things you dislike about yourself and read it out loud. Does it sound harsh? Are you being too hard on yourself? If someone pointed these things out to you, would it hurt your feelings? If yes, then you shouldn't be telling them to yourself :) Rewrite the phrases and come up with a plan. Instead of "I hate my acne and I'm antisocial" write down "I will be more confident with clear skin and a social life". Then think about what you can do to change these things. For instance, you might get rid of your skin care products and do research on ones that will work. Instead of wishing you had more friends, you can actually put in the effort to meet people. Be more talkative in class, join a meet-up group or a book club at your library.

Stay tuned for part 2! Thank you for reading.

xoxo

Why I left facebook and Distractors

I created a facebook page to share my blog posts and interact more with people. I knew there were other BW out there who are interested in gaining social status, sharing tips on class, beauty advice, dating advice, health tips and many other things. I was interested in connecting with other forward-thinking BW. By forward-thinking I mean BW who think outside the box that society wants to put us in, BW who want to develop into graceful, classy and pioneering women who aren't afraid of following their dreams because it's not something that "black women do". I want to replace the image of BW around the globe from despair and struggle to mysterious, enticing and beautiful. I already know how sexy, intelligent and creative we are but I want the whole world to know. I want the future generations of little black girls to not be treated like adults at a young age, to not be hypersexualized and not deemed as masculine and unworthy of protection.

I actually did find quite a few BW like that but also I got a lot of death threats, crazy messages and general cattiness. Facebook can be pretty messy anyway but I got sick of the constant drama. I found out some things about my favorite "bwe" bloggers that made me change my view on them! so I decided to delete the page and I feel much better :)

But you know what I noticed? That a lot of BW only like, comment on and share things that are about dissing black guys, exposing anti-bw and/or colorist celebrities, crime, etc. My posts about losing weight, makeup, skin care and job opportunities/college had the least activity. Some BW claim to want to move on but they seriously don't want to. They recognize that they need to leave the Black community behind but are all talk and no action. You have to do more than move out of Blackistan, you have to stop reading toxic articles, un-friend troublesome people,etc.

What really makes me laugh is how African-Americans like to tell other black people from Latin America or Europe that we aren't the same as them and shouldn't use their slang and don't identify with them. Not just online but in real life I have been excluded by African-Americans once they found out that I was born in a Latin country. I have been told on numerous occasions that I do not understand what it's like for African-Americans because I am "hispanic" and therefore have a different experience. But if I refer to myself as brown as I do on my blog, then people get upset at that, too. "So...what, we can't be black anymore?" *sigh* So what is it?

I did not grow up privileged. The hoods of America aren't the worst places in the world so miss me with that. I will not share my personal story but know that I was the poster child of forgotten children: poor, black, female, immigrant, foster care, inner city, etc. I found a way out of that, I found a way to be happy and make a place for myself in the world. I am still young but I have created a life for myself that doesn't involve the tale of woe that so many BW like to share with the world. I'm sick of those movies like Precious, Tyler Perry, etc. and the constant articles online of BW crying about BM not wanting them, racism this, racism that. Some people are addicted to dysfunction and if you value yourself you will separate yourself from all negativity, purge the pain out of your life and morph into the woman you want to be. Transformations are not exclusive to hollywood movies and tv shows, you have the power of determining your future if you actually put effort into it.

Even if only one person reads this blog and learns a new technique or discovers a new hobby they didn't know about then I will be happy. I have decided to change this blog a little. I will be posting what advice I can give and find for certain topics. I am here for other young, like-minded BW who are interested in social status, higher education, marriage/relationships, being nice and friendly, losing and maintaining normal weight, beauty advice, goal setting, wealth resources, etc. and any other things I think we should share.

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Anyway.....

I'm sure we all have met people who purposely tried to distract us, throw us off our game or hurt our self esteem. It especially hurts when it comes from someone we love. There's no magic cure for the people who do it and there's no way to get people to stop. It's a part of life. We are going to run into people who, for one reason or another, don't like us or don't want us to achieve something. It's not your responsibility to change them, the only thing you can do is not let them succeed at it. 

Whether you are into something that isn't stereotypically "black" like cosplay or hockey, if you are in a sub-culture besides the urban scene, or interracially date, there will be people who will try to make you feel like you are doing something wrong. They'll try to embarrass you, try to force you to explain why you do it, try to convince you that you're crazy, etc. Not only have you seen it, by I have witnessed it countless times. I believe the reason why they do this is because you do not fit into the box they want to put you in and it makes them more comfortable

Here are some of the things you may have heard:

-"Black people don't do _________________". This is said to "other" you and make you feel outcasted. The intent is to make you want to fit in and conform to their standards.

-"After all the horrible things white people did, how can you date one?" This is supposed to guilt you out of dating who you want. Don't ever feel guilty for wanting to date who treats you right regardless of race.

-"You'll never be accepted by white people" This one cracks me up because I certainly don't expect all white people to accept me nor do I want them to. I'm not a people pleaser and I don't care who is okay with my choices. You shouldn't be either. Besides, it's not like the black community will accept you for who you are. 

-"My cousins/brothers/daddy/uncle are black and they dont act like that! Don't paint all BM with the same brush". When BW bloggers say f&*k BM, we don't mean each and every one because it is impossible to know the mindset of each BM...we mean the collective. It is painfully clear that BM do not like or respect us. They have been trying to seperate themselves from us for DECADES yet some BW are still blind and want to continue to march and cape for them. I see young black boys like pitbull puppies. They are cute while small but I know they will become a threat when they get older.

-"White men only want you for sex". Any bm don't? Why are 70% of black kids born out of wedlock?

-A common one said by white feminists is, "ALL women face domestic violence, street harassment, etc. Why do you have to make it about race?" We may face the same issues but they are handled differently due to racism. The police are less likely to help a BW being abused, judges are less likely to prosecute the aggressor of a BW.

The point of saying these things is to distract you from whatever you are doing, They want to persuade, guilt or shame you into thinking like them. My biggest piece of advice is not to engage in conversation with these people. Don't try to explain yourself to them, just ignore it. If they get pushy then say "I don't want to discuss this with you" give them a quick smile and remove yourself from the conversation. Walk away, go back to your work, start a conversation with someone else, etc. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your life choices.

I have a few posts drafted up and almost ready to post. The holidays have made my job very busy and I got married! The wedding was here in Northern California and we had a second ceremony in Switzerland for his family. I hope the Holidays treat you well. Take care!

Attaching your ego to frivolous things

One thing I have noticed about women is that our egos are commonly attached to things that aren't that important. If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought she was better than the next because she didn't wear makeup or has a certain body shape or a college degree, I would be a millionaire!

I think women do this because they have created standards and set of rules in their mind on how others should live their lives. They get on their pedestal and preach about how men like this or men don't like that or "women who do this are _____". In reality they aren't concerned at all about teaching or helping people improve their lives. They attach their body shape, skin condition, lack of plastic surgery or makeup or their relationship status to their self worth. Well, guess what? You are no better than the person who does the opposite.

I blog about femininity and feminine things. I have an interest in makeup, dating, romance, fitness, being a homemaker, etc but I don't dislike women who do not care about this. I believe we all have a place in this world and if we are all the same life would be terribly boring. That may sound corny but that's the way I was raised. The smallest ant is no less significant than a human being, we have our purpose in life. Our Creator made me a biological woman for a reason and I intend to embrace it as much as I can in this modern world that tries it's best to convince me that I'm wrong.

To the women, especially BW, if you feel you do not need makeup then GOOD FOR YOU. I am glad that you are confident but you aren't more "real" than the next women who wears cosmetics. Sorry to break it to you. The amount of makeup you don't wear does not represent your character. You may be more natural but your attitude and judgement of others is an uglier trait than the acne scars someone else is covering up. Now THAT is what is unattractive to men. And when women don't wear makeup or wear perfume, it doesn't mean they don't care about themselves.

I know it's impossible to get all women to stop attacking and judging one another but I just had to get this off my chest. I have seen it all my life and it has always bugged me. Especially in this day and age where material things seem to be more important than human beings. If you do not have an expensive car, designer clothes or other unnecessary stuff than you are not "normal". I don't know about you but I would rather be around people with morals and values than people who don't. I'd rather have a best friend with acne and a kind heart than one with beautiful skin and is a backstabber.

ALSO, I have noticed BW go out of their way to diss women of other races. You are making yourself look bad. You know how people think we are jealous of them? Well, that's how you look when you go out of your way to attack another woman. What's the point of going to a WW's youtube channel and saying that we BW age better? Who are you trying to convince? We know that our melanin affords us to look more youthful, there's no need to brag about it. The world can see our beauty, we don't need to shout it from the rooftop. The things that I have heard from WM who date BW is that not only do we stay youthful but we are more down to earth and humble than most women nowadays. Being humble is an attractive trait.The goal is to be confident in yourself, not bring other people down.

The importance of not forgetting your daughter!

Who wants their daughter to be a high school dropout? A job hopper? A young single mother on welfare? A baby mama?

Not me and I hope not you either!

The grooming of a girl to become a woman of charm and the cherished wife of a good man is best started at a very young age. By very I mean 4 or 5 years old. WHAT!? I know you're probably thinking I'm crazy but listen up. When we are young we are malleable! The things we hear, see and feel shape us in ways we don't realize. As a young girl I would watch Tales of the Crypt with my mother. I was also exposed to classical music and played the violin my entire childhood. I grew up with an interest in "the dark side" and musical theatre, so now as a young lady my interests include musicals like "Phantom of the Opera", "Sweeney Todd", etc. I am also heavily involved in the local community theatre and fine art scene. Do you get it? The lessons we learn, the skills we acquire, the hobbies we indulge in as children influence us for the rests of our lives. That's why it is important for us to raise our children a certain way.

I feel like as a collective, Black women, we have gotten the short end of the stick. Our parents weren't looking out for us. I feel that the women/girls of other races were taught a lot of things that we weren't because the generations before us were so focused on "the brothas". For instance, my white and asian classmates have known things regarding dating, finance, marriage, nutrition/weight control that I have recently learned about the past year! That's horrible! Their families are looking out for them and trying their best to secure them a place in society while the BC is leaving Black girls to fend for themselves and ridicule them for the behavior that accompanies low self-worth, dysfunctional dating habits, fear of men, etc. The struggle is real for us, especially for the BW who were born into not-so-great situations, like single parent household, low-income households, the inner city, etc. If you aren't raised to have a high self-esteem, strive for a fine education, haven't travelled or been exposed to things that will make you well-rounded then it is very hard to socially climb :( There is hope though! I think as long as you are a woman of value and are working to better yourself and are smart about who you date and learn how to take/use advice, you can break free of your less-than-stellar upbringing and secure a fabulous man to marry you and being your family legacy. 

I don't have children yet but I know for sure that I am not going to ignore my daughters! In fact, my fiancee and I have opened a savings account specifically for the expenses involved with the upbringing of our children, such as advanced education (like tutoring or private school), extracurricular activities, summer camps, etc. My fiancee is Caucasian and grew up in a middle-class family so he already knows that the woman's role in society and in the family are just as important as the man's. Yes, the boys carry the family's name but daughters are important too!

My hope is that the women who read this blog will think less about what the BC and society thinks about us and more about improving yourself from the inside out and creating the life you want! I want to see less depressed struggling single mothers and more happy wife and moms.

Being an Angry BW is understandable but don't let it take over your life!

Why are BW angry? How we can stop being angry?

Short answer: We are the victims of racism and sexism. We can stop being angry by not giving a f&*k! LOL

First, let's define anger. Anger is an emotional response to one's psychological interpretation of feeling threatened. Anger is based upon projection of fear.

Feeling threatened as a BW is completely understandable seeing as how we face discrimination from both racists and sexists. We have the unique experience of being Black and a woman. The women who march, protest and rally for Black male victims of violent racism are the women who focus only on racism; they do not see or care that they face sexism from the very same men who they risk their lives protecting. These women do not see how these very same men are the ones who do not protect them when they are victims of racism, too. They believe that if there were no racism then their lives would be easier but that is not the case. They still would be oppressed because they are women. They refuse to accept the fact that we are not the preference of “our” men . They refuse to see that the modern BM's response to racism is not to rebuild the community and be self-sufficient, but to get revenge on the WM who oppress them and the BW who failed to raise them to be real men.

BW are not bitter, we are disappointed. Modern BM are the bitter ones. They punish women who remind them of their mother because they blame her for failing to raise him and teach him how to be on level with WM, AM and HM. He knows that he can't compete so instead of improving himself and encouraging other BM to do the same, he resents his own mother instead of his absent father (isn't that funny?). The ultimate revenge for him is to “steal” a WW, AW or HW from their men who show him up in every way and try to “taint” that women and produce children that are half him. It's all a game to get revenge but instead of hurting WM, he is entertaining them. Every other race is laughing at his desperate attempt to get even instead of get on par. If BP back in the day had continued to build up Black America instead of integrate with White America, the BC wouldn't be in the state it is now.

Black women are angry because we are intelligent. We see the world for what it is and deep inside we know what the BM's agenda is. We handle this higher awareness by becoming angry. We stew in the anger and turn it inward, that's when it becomes depression, low-self esteem and other self-destructive behavior.

What should we do about anger? Get rid of the self-destructive habits that are caused by anger but keep enough (a small amount) to fuel the spirit to do better! Turn the disappointment from the BC into motivation to improve our lives. Not just your own life but for our daughters, nieces, sisters, friends and neighbors. I don't expect every BW to jump on board as we have been brainwashed to hate ourselves, thus some of us hate each other. I have hate in my heart for NO ONE but I saw the world, especially the BC for what it is at a VERY young age.

Here are some tips for letting go of anger:

1. Acknowledge it
2. Seek help. I'm a big believer in therapy.
3. Channel it. Not only will exercise help you mentally but physically as well. Same with creative outlets like writing poetry and singing.
4. Decide that you don't want to add hate to this world.
5. Replace revenge and seeking justice with a plan to strive for a better life.

BW need to concentrate less on the negative things about us on the tv, radio and social media. Purge your life from the bull crap! What do you think WW, AW and HW do when they read a negative article or blogpost or someone makes a joke about them? Brush it off and keep doing them. They know they are desired and work on themselves to get the best in education, jobs and men. BW should do the same. We are desired, too. Men of all races love them some sistas, don't let butthurt BM or mammies tell you any different. You may have to move to Europe or change your whereabouts (move to a more populated places like NYC or London, get a job in a male-dominated field, hang out in social hangouts that you normally wouldn't) but there are men out there who not only like BW but prefer us. The next time a comedian makes a joke about BW, do not get riled up and give your energy to this fool! Make a note to make sure not to give this person your resources (time and money) and keep it moving. Let the BM spend his time fighting racism and let the white feminists spend their time fighting sexism. Both these groups have proven that they don't care about BW so forget them! You've got better things to do sista! Like building a fabulous life and enjoying the fruit of your labor and social climbing ;)

From now on, I want you to pledge to yourself that you will dedicate your time to things that are beneficial to your emotional, mental, financial, education and romantic well-being. Despite what you may have heard, BW are naturally beautiful, feminine, intelligent, sexy and creative. We deserve better but to get better we must learn how to respect and love ourselves.

Here is a list of what I will be concentrating on. I'd like for you to take a look at it and come up with your own list of what you'd like to do with all the free time that you have now.

1. Obtaining an advanced degree.
2. Visiting at least 4 more countries.
3. Having a fun and memorable wedding.
4. Losing weight.
5. Finishing the list of books I want to read.
6. Becoming more cultured.
7. Starting a non-profit.
8. Creating multiple streams of income.
9. Buying my first house.
10. Expanding my skill set for access to better jobs and more opportunities for side businesses.
11. Learning a third or fourth language.
12. Improving my water color painting skills.
13. Blogging.
14. Building a fabulous wardrobe.
15. Learning more about fashion and making my own clothing.
16. Growing my hair to waist length.
17. Publish my own cookbook.

If you have any questions or comments, leave a comment below and I will get back to you. I can also be reached at enlightenedfemme (at) gmail.com

The BW's Guide to Escaping Poverty

It's no secret that Black people know what struggle is. We've been struggling since we were brought to this continent and continue to do so. We have the freedom our slave ancestors didn't have but many of us aren't taking advantage of this freedom. I believe part of it is their is a system to keeping us down, in low paying jobs so we can fry the burgers and mop the floors that other people use. But among the Black community, especially the African-American community, there is a system to keep each other down! There is a theory called "crabs in a barrel". It's defined as a syndrome where a group of people hurt those in their community attempting to get ahead. The collective community becomes jealous so they find ways to pull others down so they can all stay at the bottom.

This applies to both genders but to Black women, we are ridiculed more for getting out of poverty/the hood because we are seen as the backbone. We are expected to birth Black babies, to take care of BM emotionally, sexually and financially and everything else. The community's problems are on our backs! Our girls are neglected and left to fend for themselves while we make excuse after excuse for BM, instead of teaching them to be real men. How many times have you heard someone accuse someone else of "trying to keep the Black man down" or letting a BM get away with doing horrible things by saying we can't "lock another brotha up"? How many times have you seen BM or even other BW defend a Black woman's femininity or her civil rights? How often do you see the Black community protecting our girls from rape, harassment and abuse? It's always our fault! 

It is time for Black women to take care of ourselves first. It's not our responsibility to solve all of the community's issues by ourselves. For the Black community to thrive, there needs to be equal effort from both sides and that's not going to happen soon. Trying to pull BM along on the rise is like pulling dead weight. There are good BM out there but it would be THE WISE THING TO DO WOULD BE TO FOCUS ON YOUR OWN PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT, SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEPEND ON HANDOUTS, THE GOVERNMENT OR EVEN YOUR OWN HUSBAND. Being a strong, independent woman doesn't have to be a bad thing. It's good to be emotionally strong and financially independent.

*IF YOU ARE YOUNG, UNDER-EMPLOYED, AND/OR NOT MARRIED, HIGHLY SUGGEST NOT HAVING CHILDREN. THEY ARE EXPENSIVE AND TIME CONSUMING IF YOU AREN'T ALREADY FINANCIALLY STABLE. BY STABLE, I MEAN MAKING ENOUGH TO NOT WORRY ABOUT HOW TO MAKE ENDS MEET. ITS NOT SMART TO BRING CHILDREN INTO THIS WORLD IF YOU CANNOT EVEN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY OR ESPECIALLY FINANCIALLY. BEING A SINGLE MOM IS NOT EASY SO DO NOT DO IT TO YOURSELF. YOU WILL BE SETTING YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD UP FOR "THE STRUGGLE" AND THAT'S NOT FAIR TO THAT CHILD. BIRTH CONTROL IS FREE!!!!!*

STEP #1: Decide that you deserve better!

The BW's relationship with the inner city is like one of domestic violence. It mistreats you, degrades and abuses you yet you still stay. It could be that some women think that's where they belong! No one belongs somewhere that doesn't suit their needs. Or it could be that you are comfortable there. That's not a good excuse though because if you have not experienced different, how do you know where you belong? How do you know there's not a better place out there? I promise you there is. This is a big world filled with interesting places, people and things. Google "the wanderlust project". It's a blog ran by a black woman who teaches abroad in Asian countries. She is gaining life experience, learning and trying new things as well as meeting new people she would have never met here in America! BW like her are inspirational, not the cast of the RHOA! Lol You can do whatever you put your mind to and I know for sure BW are creative, resourceful and intelligent so there's no reason why you can't accomplish your goals if you put your heart into it.

STEP #2: Leave toxic situations/relationships.

It can be dangerous leaving people behind if they were doing you no good. There are countless stories of women leaving abusive relationships and getting murdered. Not just from romantic relationships but from family and friends. When I decided to go to college, my own family members tried to convince me not to; they wanted me to work and help pay bills while my brothers and male cousins lived at home (free of cost) and chased women and worked on their dreams to be rappers (I'm being dead serious). When I refused, I was tossed away and left to fend for myself at 17. It was a tough road doing it myself but I made it and so did many other BW. So can you!

Here are some resources:

Housing

http://coabode.org/ <---- Check this out if you are a single mother. You can share a living space with another single mother and save money/put your resources together to get out of your current situation.

http://www.thehotline.org/ or 1-800-799-7233<----for domestic violence victims. Please don't be afraid to get help. Your life (and children's lives) depend on it. There is help for you.

https://www.onecpd.info/homelessness-assistance/resources-for-homeless-persons/ <----resource for homeless or people at risk of being homeless

Also, local churches (mainly Catholic) help those in need, whether it is rent, food, shelter, etc. You do not have to be of faith but from what I've seen, some do expect you to attend church if you are living in their housing.

For young women, I highly suggest looking into programs like:

Jobcorps (http://www.jobcorps.gov/home.aspx) <--- housing, job training, helps with finding employment after training and will even pay for a year at community college (some campuses, not all)

Youth Build (https://youthbuild.org/) <--- I'm not sure if they provide housing but they work with low income youth so they probably have resources to seek housing for participants

California Conservation Corps (http://www.ccc.ca.gov/Pages/default.aspx) <--- they house and pay you to do environmental work. The pay is not the best but you get to gain job experience, knowledge of the environment, housing and a stipend.

 STEP #3: Obtain legal employment.

No matter how sucky the pay, you need money. An hourly job won't get you completely out of poverty but it could keep you off the street, keep your belly full and help you while you pursue a higher education.

Some places still use paper applications but technology is taking over. Here are some websites that posts vacant jobs:

craigslist.org

indeed.com

snagajob.com

monster.com

*Also, some companies don't post that they are hiring because they don't want to sort through a bunch of applications. Cold calling works too. Look up what companies are in your area, call to see if they are looking to hire or even go in and ask yourself.

Here are a list of companies that I know hire at 16 and up:

McDonald's

Forever 21

Panera Bread

Baskin Robbins

Marshall's/TJ Maxx

Papa John's

JcPenney

KFC

Boston Market

Einstein's/Noah's Bagels

Burger King

Arby's

Chick-fil-A

Jamba Juice

Walmart

Target

and many other fast food, retail places.

I'm not sure if these programs below provide housing but they are still FREE programs that provide work experience and a paycheck. They all have experience working with people from low-income backgrounds. There is an age limit, though. If you don't qualify they will most likely point you in the direction of some place that will help you with your trade, education, employment goals.

Americorps (americorps.gov)

City Year (cityyear.org)

Student Conservation Association (thesca.org)

STEP #4: Learn a trade!

Not only will having a certificate and/or an AA degree increase your pay but you can also work for yourself. You can get a certificate at a trade school but beware that for-profit schools are usually expensive and can be a scam. A local community college or apprenticeship can give you a certificate or AA at little to no cost. Chances are, if you are using this guide, you qualify for some sort of financial aid.

Here are some ideas/examples:

Cosmetology certificate-can be attained by attending a trade school, community college or through apprenticeship. With this certificate you can work in a salon, work from home or work for a cosmetics company at a beauty counter or store like MAC, Salon Centric, MACY's or Nordstrom. This trade has a stigma but there is a lot of money to be made in the beauty industry. After you gain some experience you can even own a beauty supply store (check your state's requirements for business licenses) or start your own hair care company. With social media nowadays, there are many ways to solicit customers.

Construction-this can be attained by community college or apprenticeship. I know what you are thinking: "A man's job?" It doesn't have to be! The labor union in the city of San Francisco encourages women and minorities to apply for the apprenticeship. So as a BW you definitely have a chance of getting it. It starts off at $22/hr and 40 hours a week and you get paid weekly. A friend of mine did it and even though she was capable of pulling her own weight on the work site, they trained her to be an elevator electrician. Her small size and flexibility (due to being a woman lol) helped her as an elevator electrician and she makes over $60/hr. She is is only 23!

Real estate-local community college or classes at Adult School. Lot's of people attempt this and fail. It's not for everyone but the information is useful to know. There's a lot of money in real estate, especially commercial real estate! After you finish your classes, I highly suggest seeking a mentor who works in a higher end market.

Here are some others:

Dental hygienist

Medical secretary

Paralegal

Web Developer

Court stenographer

Administrative Assistant

Notary

Insurance Agent

Bookkeeper

STEP #5: Set goals!

Now that you have gotten out of your current situation, it would be wise to ensure that you are never in the poorhouse/hood again. Saving money, no matter how small, is important in case of emergencies. Also, seeking higher education is very very important. Having an AA degree/certificate is good for getting a non-minimum wage job or starting a business but having at least a bachelor's or masters will not only increase your pay and employability but a college education helps you to become a well rounded person. If you like the current field you work in, you can obtain a degree in that field.

For example, you are a bookkeeper and love your job but want to move up. You can go to college and major in Finance or Accounting. That degree will widen your options, career wise.

If you are in the labor/construction field, you can get a business degree and own your own construction company. Or you could major in civil engineering and build communities in undeveloped areas or even move to a different country and work there!

The possibilities are endless with a college degree! It takes a lot of time and money to get one but it's possible. Don't stress yourself out. If you cannot afford to go full time, then you can attend class part time after work or take some of your classes online. Progress is progress. For help paying for it, there are scholarships, grants and even loans you can take out to help you.

Visit:

fafsa.gov

fastweb.org

STEP #6 Invest and save!

When you are living paycheck to paycheck it is impossible to save. Even people who have five or six digit incomes have a hard time saving because of the necessary expenses like rent, food, car notes, insurance, etc. Start off slow, like adding $1 to your savings account. Next week, $2, then $5, then $10.

Here are some tips:

-live with roommates. With the right people it will be more affordable. The extra money you have left over you can save or invest in other things, like going to college or buying reliable transportation or paying off a debt

-coupon. There are a myriad of resources available online. Just google "how to coupon" or "couponing for beginners"

-turn your hobby into a side job. If you are skilled in something, you can use it as an opportunity to make extra cash. Good with babies? Babysit on the evenings or weekends? Can you do makeup? Make a facebook page of your work and network for birthday, prom and wedding gigs. Get creative

-shop at discount stores and never pay retail price. If you must have it, buy it online and use websites like ebates.com or ebay.com or look for online coupons

-buy clothing at thrift stores in wealthier neighborhoods. They will have name brands like J. Crew or even designer clothing. I've found some brand new clothing that still had the tag on it

-look up consumer testing in your area. You can test snack as well as video games and receive payment for your participation. I have taste tested iced coffee, strawberry shortcake ice dream, granola and energy drinks for $50 each as well as playing video games for $75 gift cards. Be wary of skin products, though.

Currently, interest rates on savings accounts are at the all time low but it would be wise to research your options for savings accounts. I will do a post on this later but it won't hurt to take a trip to the library and read books about investments.

I hope this guide was useful for those of you looking for a way out of poverty. If you know someone who needs help, please send them this post. If you have any more ideas, leave a comment and I will add it to this post. Thank you!!!

Feminine Tips-General Beauty (kind of long post)

Hey sweethearts, how are you and how was your 4th of July weekend?

I've been reading many articles and books on helping women recognize their femininity and improve on it. I think it's been a struggle for ALL women to look and feel like the woman they want to be because the society we live in now encourages women to be the opposite. Here are some that I have noted:

1. Highlight your positive features.
Do you have big eyes? Wear mascara. Small waist? Wear a pencil skirt. A nice smile? Smile more often. Knowing that there's something about you that you like and that is attractive builds confidence.

2. Style your hair in a flattering way.
Find a style that frames your face shape, a color that suits your skin tone and an appropriate length and maintenance that fits your lifestyle. I'm not into the whole natural versus relaxed debate. I believe it's up to the individual to assess what fits their wants and needs. I happen to love braids, updos, twist outs and layered straight styles on Black women.

3. Embrace your curves but maintain a healthy weight.
This is a big problem among Black women. Yes, we are naturally curvy but many seem to take that as a reason to not take care of their figure. There is a thin line between curvy and thick and sloppy. Not only is a toned body more attractive and feminine but it's a lot healthier to maintain a healthy weight. Diabetes, high blood pressure, and kidney and heart diseases are well known risks of being overweight.

These women range from thin to average to bigger/muscular. All very toned, in shape and feminine.

4. Have clear, soft, buttery skin.
Black women come in various shades. Which one you are does not matter. What is more important is having clear, healthy and blemish free skin. I advocate for an effective skin care regimen, which should include a cleanser, serum, mask and do NOT forget sunscreen. Black people aren't immune to skin cancer; in fact there are forms of skin cancer exclusive to people with melanin. There are many vitamins and supplements that can help with achieving beautiful skin.

5. Wear pretty lingerie.
It's hard to explain in words but there's something satisfying and sexy about wearing lingerie, especially lacy lingerie. Give it a try ;)

6. Smell good.
Wear a perfume or some kind of scent all the time (if you can). It will brighten your mood and attract men lol. A high quality perfume can be pretty pricey but there are alternatives. Eau de parfums are slightly less concentrated than perfumes but still strong. Eau de toilette is even less concentrated and lasts less time on the skin. Eau fraiche has less than 3% of perfume oil. I do not suggest body sprays as they do not last longer than an hour and can smell very alcohol-y.

I also suggest layering scents. What that means is use bar soap and/or body wash, then lotion and then perfume, all the same scent of course. For instance, use vanilla scented body bar soap to cleanse, then slather on vanilla scented body butter then apply a perfume that goes along with it. You will smell good all day.

7. Don't smell cheap or artificial.
Stick to scents found in nature, like floral, citrus, or spicy scents. Nothing like sugar or bubble gum, as it screams fake and juvenile.

8. Keep your nails done.
Whether you prefer your natural nails, shellac or acrylic/gel overlay, keeping your nails done makes you look more polished. Nude or pink nails fit every occasion. Red nail polish is sophisticated and perfect for an important event. Bright, fun colors look best on the toes. As for designs, that's up to you but there's a very thin line between creative and tacky.

9. Smile sincerely or not at all.
I am all for Black women smiling but don't do it unless it is genuine. It will come off like this:

instead of this:

10. Wear clothes that fit and stick to a classic style.
Not only does this look good but it saves you money. Buying staples/classics and leaving the trends to the accessories is more cost effective.

You can use accessories like jewelry, watches, scarves and handbags (purses) to try out new trends and colors.

11. Wear dresses and skirts, flowy material and feminine patterns.
They look so beautiful!

Those are just a few of my tips. I have more for your inner femininity, too. However, it's very late and I need my beauty sleep :) I will post more soon. Please leave comments and questions below! I love to hear from you all! I read all my comments and can be reached via email at enlightenedfemme (at) gmail.com

Thanks for reading! xoxo

What is femininity?

There are some debates surrounding this question. Some women loathe the word "feminine" and equate it to everything pink, frilly, girly and weak. That's understandable but not quite the truth. Yes, those things can be associated with femininity but in truth it is about being who you authentically are. That's it. It's different for each woman.

I like pastel colors, lace, animals and makeup but that doesn't make me more feminine than a woman who plays football and drives a monster truck.

If that woman is confident, has inner strength and is emotionally connected and passionate then she is a feminine woman, whether she likes it or not LOL Her feminine energy will flow and men and women alike will be drawn to her. A feminine woman is a force of nature!

There are some core aspects associated with all feminine women, such as:
Empathy, sensitivity, tolerance, and softness.

There are many more but those are the first that popped into my head. Were you expecting me to mention "beauty", "long hair" "red lipstick" or "dresses"? Yes, those things can make a woman seem more feminine in looks but they do not make someone more feminine in nature. From experience, I can say that those things can help you feel more feminine, though!

There are many reasons why Black women as a group aren't seen as feminine or why you, as a Black woman, may not feel like a feminine woman. This blog is a platform of positivity and growth so I will not go into depth about why and who's "fault" it is. There are many other blogs and facebook pages for that. This also isn't a place where I will continually bash Black men or trash White women. They will come up, when I post about relationships (friendships as well as dating and marriage) but I'm not the type to badmouth others and curse ;) I will bring up social issues that we face as Black women and how to combat them with class and grace.

Black women have had to adopt masculine traits to protect ourselves since The Black Power Movement and the Feminist Movement has failed us. I don't believe it's necessary to be the stereotypical  "strong Black woman". You don't have to be loud to get your point across or aggressive to protect yourself. Our passion and inner strength is admirable but we must be smart about what we put our energy into.

I know I am physically and mentally strong but I also recognize my feminine nature. I love men. I want to get married and have children and that doesn't make me weak. I believe women make this world a better place. Our nurturing, compassion, love, determination and overall essence contribute to positive things in this world. The world needs us :) This photo below is just as much as a strong Black woman as any other Black woman.

Please comment and share your thoughts about femininity and what it means to you.

Finding inspiration in your journey (non-celebs)

We all need someone to look up to for motivation and inspiration. As young black women, our potential role models are limited to risque, hyper-sexualized entertainers such as Beyonce or Rihanna. Not bashing those two as I like their music (sometimes) but they don't come across classy at all and send across a wrong message to young girls.

There are quite a few Black women I've discovered here on the internet that I look to for style, lifestyle and general inspiration. All beautiful black women!

TheLuxeBabe

She's a gorgeous, well spoken woman with a tall model-like figure and such classy style! Not only that but she is educated, speaks multiple languages and is happily married. I think she's from Germany but I could be wrong. She has a love for cosmetics (like me) but doesn't over do it and apply it heavily like a drag queen like some other sisters on youtube do. TheLuxeBabe is a good role model for women who value elegance and grace.

Shirley B. Eniang

Shirley is a fashion blogger/vlogger from the UK. Isn't her accent adorable? I adore her style of dress because it's classy but also youthful, hip and sexy! She doesn't over do it on the makeup either and maintains a healthy lifestyle with healthy eating and exercise. Her figure is to die for and she is also educated! She is a breath of fresh air.

Derin (http://wonders-of-beauty.blogspot.com/)
Derin is a blogger from the UK. Her smooth dark skin and taste in makeup is what made me subscribe. Her hair extensions look realistic and well maintained and from the comment section of her posts, she is a sweetheart.

If there are any bloggers/vloggers/youtube women that you think represent a feminine, classy young Black woman, please leave their info in the comments. I would love to hear from you all!

What is femininity and why is it important to African-American women?

According to Wikipedia, femininity is a set of attributes, behaviors and roles generally associated with girls and women. Femininity is socially constructed but made up of both socially-defined and biologically created factors. Both women and men can be feminine. Personality traits traditionally cited as feminine includes gentleness, empathy, sensitivity, compassion and nurturance. Physical traits vary due to social and cultural norms. For instance, in the Western world, light skin, thinness and long hair are considered ideal feminine traits but in other countries, that might not be the case. For example, in parts of Africa, having large hips and dark skin is what men look for in women.

Why is femininity important to African-American women? Society has convinced women of all ethnic backgrounds that being feminine is inferior, when in fact it isn't! But for African-American women, we have been denied the opportunity to be feminine! From being forced to do labor on plantations, to having to work outside the home, to being the victim of harassment and bullying in the media, our image and self esteem has taken a huge blow.

Do you think women in the early 1900s were allowed to stay home and care for their children, or even explore hobbies? No, they had to work and work hard outside the home and care for other people's families in order to make a living. Those days are over (in some ways) but our image is still that of a mammy, Aunt Jemima, Jezebel. How many sistas have the opportunity to take care of their families without having to worry about doing it as a single mother? How many have a man love and respect her role as a wife and mom? Yes, there are many but especially among the lower- and working-class, this sounds like just a dream.

When many people hear the words "Black women" they think of loud, obnoxious, bald headed hoodrats with bad attitudes, baby daddy drama and no education, living off welfare in the projects who say things such as "I'm a strong. black woman and I DON'T NEED NO MAN!!!" We are hypersexualized and dogged-out in pop culture by rappers with broken hearts and mommy issues. This is not only what the media focuses on and tells the rest of the world that we are like! This is not all of us. We are beautiful, loving, sexy, sweet, caring, intelligent and creative women and deserve to be treated as such. We deserve to be respected as much as the rest of the world's women but we must fight for it. It starts with lifting each other up, assimilating (without selling out) and demanding respect ( in a feminine way, of course).

Many African-American women these days suffer from low self-esteem because we are often told we are ugly, unwanted and our issues are ignored by both the Feminist Party and the Black Community, who serves to uplift the "Black man who needs a break". All we have is each other and reclaiming our femininity is a step in repairing our minds, bodies and souls. I will admit that many of these problems affect women of all ethnic and economic backgrounds. I welcome all readers and hope everyone can learn and become comfortable in their bodies and minds! Welcome :)